"Wait...That Tiki Bar On Broadway Serves Food! Really? I Didn't Know That."

You probably haven't been here since college. But...you know this place.

Kon Tiki.

Yeah, that Polynesian themed island getaway bar that serves up some serious drinks in kitchy goblets and steins up on Broadway and Swan. You know, Kon Tiki. Remember? You 'member.

In college you most likely came here because the drinks were huge and strong and they had a happy hour that dished out some free grub. You were young, you were broke, you wanted to get faced so this was the place you probably ended up in.

Right?

Probably.

The free happy hour buffet...um, thanks but no thanks, although the meatballs were good

But now you're all grown up and you haven't been back since you graduated. You have a real adult job, you drink real adult drinks, you eat at real adult places with white linen set tables or tolerate locations that have jungle gyms and Whack-A-Moles for your kids to play with as you talk about adult things with your adult friends as you sip those adult drinks.

Why should you go back to Kon Tiki after all these years? That's, like...college era you. Right?

So why a feature on Kon Tiki, a bar most Tucson residents have been to at least once, be it voluntarily or talked into by ne'er-do-well roommates?

Uh...because of the food, dude. It's good.

Real good.

Real adults drinking, um...well they're drinking all right

Honestly, we kind of forgot about Kon Tiki too and the fact that they actually served food there. No, seriously.

A few years back, when the Homeskillet was just a once in a while / if we felt like posting 'blog lite', we did a feature on Kon Tiki as part of a short lived series where we buy a Groupon for random places, eat there and talk about it. We did like one or two, maybe three, Groupon article things then just moved on, or forgot about doing it all together. Anyway, even back then we were all "Oh yeah, the food here is great."

So you're probably reading this going, "C'mon, the food can't be that good. Kon Tiki?  It's a weird drunky bar and that buffet kind of sucks. Even if it is free."

Work with us here people.

Monkeys On A Stick, a classic and oh so tasty

True. The gratis fare isn't the subject here. That happy hour buffet is just free vittles for folks that need a bit of a buffer when it comes to quaffing much of their hell grog and it's cool that they do it in the first place. Its just chips, veggies, some dip...stuff like that. But they do put out some of their BBQ meatballs and those are pretty tight. Honestly its just some bits of bites, cheap as free, to keep you going and that's that.

No, you gotta order off the real food menu here kids. Trust us.

Okay, look...check this out.

Hawaiian fish tacos...just like the god Tangaroa used to make

If you can recall Homeskilleteers, a few weeks back we ended up eating the self-proclaimed "Best Burger and Burrito in Tucson"...and they sucked. So bad in fact that we needed booze immediately. Just a few blocks up was Kon Tiki, so we got ourselves a large vessel filled with all of the alcohol and some well needed tasty food.

"Oh wow," we all sort of said as we bit into our nibbles. "The food here is good. Maybe we should write about it."

Um...okay.

And here we go!

The Loko Moko, a delicious burger with an egg on it...so tropical!

So in true Tucson Homeskillet fashion we gathered up some of our closest and bravest friends and decided to order, oh, one of each from the menu.

Both the drink and food menu. C'mon, what else would you expect?

Anyway, here are the results:

JB looking concerned as Rizz slurps down another sacrificial mind drink

First, yeah, the drinks were really strong, as expected. Probably just as strong as when Kon Tiki first opened in the '60s and when you used to come here with a fake I.D. once finals were over with.

We got something called the Pele, named after the pissed off goddess of volcanoes and, boy howdy, did that thing live up to its name. Fiery, powerful and sort of lava like as it went down the gullet. Another called the 'Greenpeace' which felt like washing down a fine lawn mulch but with a distinct fruity alcohol kick to the cajones. Then there was the Fog Cutter, something called Lights Out, the Creepy Tiki, Maiden's Downfall and so forth, all of which did not list ingredients (which is probably for the best) but instead came equipped with brief descriptions of just how you might feel after you finish one:

"If strength you need, drink and it shall be granted!"

"Virgins beware!"

"The original drink was intended for a sacred ceremony until some white man found the recipe!"

Stuff like that. You get the picture.

Moa Nui chicken in coconut sauce...amazing

The crew was getting a bit tipsy but then the plethora of food arrived.

The ton of appetizers was daunting, but oh so delicious. The egg rolls were deep fried yet filled with a garden of vegetables and served with a mighty teriyaki and a sweet and sour sauce so there was a fun balance between decadent and sort of, kind of, "healthy". The BBQ ribs were hearty and sticky and fall off the bone tender. We got our pot stickers steamed which counter balanced the amount of weighty fare that was spread before us. Really good, stuffed full of savory pork with a good chew to the dumpling casing.

Then, of course, there was the classic: The Monkeys on a Stick. Tender, marinated bites of perfectly cooked medium rare steak served mini kebab style. This is essentially what saved us after eating crap food just a few blocks away. Accompanied with a stout viscid dipping sauce this dish is what you need on a daily basis.

So good.

Angry volcano deity sized pile o' rings

As people were queuing up for the free fare at the buffet, we were getting looks from all sorts; bug eyed at the amount of food we had on the table.

"Wait, they serve food here?", I overheard a portly guy ask his doppelganger wife as they glooped ranch dressing on mini carrots and ruffly potato chips atop their drooping paper plates.

Well, we hate to say it buffet jockeys, but you are officially eating food here, so, yes, they do serve "food". But if you mean like burgers, steaks, ribs, shrimp and lobster tails? Yes. Yes, Kon Tiki serves food.

And not just any kind of food, really tasty food with a distinct tropical influence.

So what are you waiting for? Do what we did and dive in!

Possibly some of the best egg rolls in town

The Loko Moko is a half pound burger of good ground beef, seasoned and cooked to order with a nice runny egg on top; it was really hefty, juicy and delicious.

There was also an order of fantastic fish tacos that were tangy and flaky with a crisp slaw and finished with a spicy aioli drizzled over. The house club sandwich could feed about three people but one of us took it down in no time flat. Piled high and served with piping hot fries, this one made us want to join whatever club they had going on, one where we would look like that Israel Kamakawiwo'ole guy in no time flat if we kept eating the way we were.

In fact, all of the plates were generous and all of it really yummy.

No really.

Jana happy/nervous about the size of her chef salad

More drinks, more food, more weird looks from bar patrons.

There was ten of us, but the feast on our tables mashed together looked as if we were on some sort of medieval gorge feast, one that would encourage many trips to the vomitorium so we can continue with the eat-a-thon.

"What did you order?"

"Oh, this is the Moa Nui."

"What's that?"

"It's, uh, a big chicken breast served with this amazing coconut sauce with a side of perfectly cooked rice and a ton of seasoned grilled vegetables."

"Good?"

*not responding because of shoveling more food in face*

The Tucson Homeskillet eating all of the foods

Alright, here is where we have to give some kind of critique.

Our server was amazing, but she was the only one on the floor so sometimes our orders took a bit longer than expected. Big whoop, it happens.

But here's the clincher:

Kon Tiki does not have a modern computer POS ticket service, something that like 90% of busy establishments utilize because, oh, we don't know, it's the 21st century and efficiency is as easy as pushing a few buttons. Sure it might cost a few extra (thousand) dollars but in the end it is so worth it. Our poor but awesome server had to divvy up the five separate checks BY HAND, doing the math, tax and all that using her brain and a small calculator, all the while juggling other demanding tables. So, yeah, we had to wait a while for the bills to arrive seeing as the place was jumping but not totally full and chaotic...enough to keep her very busy let's just say. It wasn't a big problem with us because we ordered more drinks straight from the bar and we were happy to do so, but if this was a table of people that didn't know how hard it is to be a server in a busy restaurant or empathize with a young person, probably in their like first or second job, ever, doing all they can to make things right, it could have gotten ugly.

So, Kon Tiki, this is the Tucson Homeskillet advising you to get a POS system for your servers. It'll make it easier on them, on you in the long run and you'll thank us and your patrons will thank you because of this.

You're welcome.

Metal Mark just had to get in on Jack and Chili's third Scorpion Bowl

Other than that, yes...Kon Tiki serves food. Not just bobbles of celery and broken pretzel fingers on the buffet table, but real authentic and fantastic food.

When you were going to the U of A you probably ate nothing but ramen or crap corporate pizza when you scored a coupon from the bookstore and, at the time, couldn't afford the "adult" prices from the Kon Tiki menu. Not that we're saying Kon Tiki is pricey, oh no, not even close, but when you are 19 with nothing but loose change in your pocket and school debt piling up, a $12 steak might as well be a Bugatti sports car. Thing is, you can't eat a Bugatti sports car. So...where's the fun in that?

Yeah. We don't know either.

Now you know, you gotta go

Now that you are all grow'd up and adulting like a mofo, you should go back to ye olde stomping grounds of Kon Tiki, get yourself a proper drink and order up some really grand food. It's fun, it's local, it's kind of a Tucson tradition and most importantly it's really scrumptious.

Unless you're still in college and are broke as all living heck so you just might have to wait a while. If you ask us we suggest dropping out of school, selling all of your text books and then just blowing it all on a drink and food fest at Kon Tiki. If you do decide to do this, just call us up and we'll show you how its done.

Just kidding. Stay in school kids.

Forget that. Have you had the Mahi-Mahi here? Oh my gosh, so good.

Whatever. You're an adult, you make the decision. But if we were you, we'd just eat Monkey Sticks all day and drink Zombies till we start walking like one. That, of course, is up to you.

Uh huh. Just what we thought.

See you here...

Thanks Kon Tiki!

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
At the Summer Solstice, 2016

Metal Influence: 

GRUESOME

"Savage Land"

The Tucson Homeskillet Reviews: Crispy's Fish n' Chips (but it's the tacos that are the star here)

When I first moved to Tucson in 2006 from San Francisco, I was quite pleased to find that a decent sandwich shop was right down the street. Called The Daggwood Cafe, it served up all kinds of fresh ideas served between bread and I was a regular customer for a while.

 Then, one day, I called to place an order and the phone just rang and rang. Thinking that perhaps they were so busy that day that their line was just too jacked up from incoming calls, or...something of that nature, I decided to just go down there, place my order and wait it out just like any other lunchtime having shmoe.

But when I arrived, at like 1pm on a Wednesday, the doors were closed. Upon further inspection, I noticed that the doors were not only closed, they were locked. Big chains and a mighty padlock bound the entrance from anyone coming in. Then I saw it; a sign reporting that the establishment is now under city rule for various infringements and would be dark until further notice.

Crap. I was really looking forward to that Jamaican jerk turkey sandwich. Oh well.

Gone, but not...well, kind of forgotten.

Several months later, just a random driving home, I was pleased to see that the Daggwood was open again. Yay. Oh sandwich bliss. So the next day I ordered that jerk sandwich (that sounds mean seeing as it was a really tasty treat) and was happy to have the olde neighborhood lunch spot back open again.

But, uh, this gastro-happiness didn't last long. Just a week or so later the doors were closed again. C'mon guys, get your stuff in order here. And they remained closed for a long time. Just a hollow shell of a sandwich joint next to a laundromat and dive bar reminding us all of tasty vittles from the recent past. 

About a year later, there was activity in the old Daggwood's. A ladder was spotted by the front door, a large grill was sitting on the patio, the inside was turned around and a makeshift sign was up: 

Taco Loco, it said. 

Now, in the neighborhood of Ft. Lowell and 1st Ave, opening up a taco place is really risky. There were decent taco stands in various nearby locations, Food City and La Botana was just across the street and a BK (not Burger King for those outside of the 520 area code, BK is one of the premiere Mexican food depots in the city and boasts the best Sonoran hot dog competing with El Guero Canelo for the top spot in that category and the feud rages on!) but a few blocks away. Another taco stand just seemed like white noise. 

But Taco Loco had an edge. They promised to deliver tacos to your face. Okay then. We might have a winner. It took them a while (like a really long while, Taco Loco stood unopened for what seemed an eternity) but when they finally opened their doors, we were the first to call and have Mexican food delivered. 

The result? Not bad. Pretty good actually. The first time we ordered it seemed as if they weren't ready for the amount of business they would get. The girl on the phone sounded confused, the order took longer than promised and the food itself tasted rushed. A couple days later I order again and things seemed to fall into place. Delivery was on time and the tacos and burritos were made with care and the flavors had stepped it up a few notches. 

Then, disaster struck.  There was a shooting in their parking lot and they were forced to close their doors, again!, for a bit. But once the smoke cleared, the doors stayed closed. I didn't understand. Reading the story online, it sounded like the shooting just happened to take place in that parking area for them, the laundromat and the bar and the businesses weren't involved at all. So why aren't they opening up again? Why is this location cursed with places that can't keep it together?

The Taco Loco sign came down one day and a new one took its stead. 

Crispy's Fish n Chips it said!

My favorite kind of menu: simple, awesome and cheap...

Fish and chips? In this neighborhood? Again, they would be competing with the adjacent Boondocks Lounge because on Fridays they have a fish fry that would rival any chip shop here in the states or in the UK. So freakin' good. But you never know. 

I actually had a chance to chat with the owner, Mario, who was in business with his son, Amer, who told me the shooting was only a sad coincidence because they were contemplating, almost from the beginning of Taco Loco, to re-open as a fish and chips spot. In a city wrought with tacos but naught with pub style fish n' chips, it just seemed wise to utilize all of their fryers and make do with a new concept, especially in midtown Tucson. 

So, as always, like all of the other eateries in this location, we were one of the first in line to try Crispy's Fish-n-Chips and were delighted upon first bite. 

Huge chicken tenders with a spicy BBQ sauce...

Just like with Taco Loco, our first visit wasn't the greatest. The food was, well...fine, but not great. The service was...okay, again not ready for the rush of business they were getting almost immediately. We then decided to give it another week or so and we'd try again.

A basket of deep fried amazing? Yes please...

Just like in the past, it took them a spell to get the creaks out and the map memorized. They were hitting a good stride. The seasoning was less heavy handed and the timing on the fryers were near perfect. 

We ordered their namesake, a four piece cod with fries and coleslaw. Let me tell you, the flavor and texture took me back to a place in San Francisco called the Edinburgh Castle, which was/is a large European style pub that served up Scottish influenced fish and chips nestled in newspaper and cooked by staff from that region. So crazy delicious that on any night you could find locally famous, and even nationally famous, chefs and critics sipping a pint and grubbing down on their incredible fare.

This was as close to that as possible.

Tucson, you have a competitor for the best fish tacos in town...

Then the real trouble started. One night we decided to order a round of fish and shrimp tacos, just to try them. We had been tipping a few back at our friend's pub down the way and didn't feel like cooking.

When we finally got home and dove in, all we could do was low mumble satisfied "Mmmm"'s. They were mad tasty. Cooked to perfection, served with a tangy crema, cabbage and topped with fresh made pico de gallo. Unreal.

Shrimp tacos all day long kid!

Crispy's, we thought at the time, shouldn't just be known for their fish n' chips, because their fish tacos were some of the best we've had, not just in Tucson, but anywhere. I mean Mr. Baja Fish 
and the seminal food truck Taco Fish bring the girth and the heat (did this blog just get filthy?) but Crispy's has a more delicate approach and you should seriously stop reading and go get some. 

No really. This silly website will still be here when you're done. Go!

Fried bits of perfection....

Okay. We are pretty much sold on this place. The fish and shrimp tacos took us to a happy food pasture. So then another night we get their hot wings. Once again, not disappointed. Wonderfully seasoned, a good spice temperature for the sauce and, like all of the other fare, fried perfectly. 

At this point we weren't missing Daggwood's at all and we were all "Taco Loco who?", but  we got nervous because we could see us getting a slight Crispy's addiction. As if a legal drug dealer is always waiting for you just a few blocks away with a "product" that rarely warrants any complaints and is readily available between 10:30am and 8:30pm everyday.

Get in my mouth you!

The chicken strips are about the size of a small child and could put a major fast food corporation out on their ear if they got word about their sheer power. They're not just chicken strips mind you....more like chicken runways or chicken malls. Combined with that spicy BBQ sauce they make on site, you got yourself a chicken strip riot on your hands.

Fill a kiddie pool with this stuff and call it a day...

Let's chat about the sides shall we? The coleslaw is fantastic. When they first opened it was a bit runny and kind of flavorless, but I'm sure a few bad Yelp laments and suggestions from patrons set them right because this stuff is picnic perfect. Crunchy greens and carrots in a zesty dressing make the fried miracles all the more savory. 

The potato salad is good too but not on the same level as the slaw here. Seems like the potato option is a backburner idea for a side while everything else is on point. 

Just sayin'...

Slaw me up man...

Crispy's also serves up fried mac n cheese which is always a pleasure to do business with. Their version is little nibs of the creamy carbs, perfect for the tykes and grandma since she thinks regular old mac n cheese is just "too suspicious!"

I haven't had hush puppies since my travels through the South but these tasty treats brought me back to food shacks in Louisiana and this truck stop in Texas. Soft bite size balls of bready goodness not really accustomed here to the surly southwest but these might make you think otherwise.

For some reason I am never really a fan of fried zucchini, unless its tempura style, because most places get it wrong. The outside is usually alright but then when you bite into it the veggie filling is all soggy and gross. Not here. Oh no, not by a long shot. I actually like the fried zucchini at Crispy's so cheers on making me a believer in the dish because no one else has. 

Then, of course, is my ultimate undoing (next to tater tots) and that would be the dreaded onion ring. This fried orbital of allium stuffed crisis makes me tingle like a stoned monkey arriving on Banana Island for the first time. To be blunt, I love onion rings. Next to Frankie's Cheesesteaks on Campbell, Crispy's has the best rings in town. Dear god they are good, dear god take them away from me. As if chubbo here isn't wide enough. 

Thank you Crispy's for your combo platter of deep fried enchantment. For when I die, please bury me in flour dredge and egg coating because on the other side, when they throw my celestial form onto the pyre in Valhalla, my Metal brethren will eat well and I can go in peace knowing that just down the street from where I used to live a small stand inspired me and kept me from going to the gym on a regular basis. 

Amen.

Yon landscape of 'oh hells yeah'...

Then, of course, came the final test of Crispy's virtue. I brought our cat, Lil Poundcake, a hush puppy from the steamy fried yum pile. 

Her response?

"Get that crap away from me! You think I wanna eat anything with 'puppy' in it's name? Man....you crazy!"

AKA: she loved it. 


Cheers!
 

Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
End of August 2015

Metal Influence
Mastodon, "Leviathan"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sulY3bixDxI