More Than Just Quesadillas...

We are about two weeks away from the first day of spring and already it is beginning to feel like summer out there.

The short time we had with "winter", a few nights that dipped in the 30s and days where you had to bring a hoodie just in case, is pretty much all but gone. And I like the cold. I'm from northern California where temps huddle around the 50 degree mark for most of the seasons. In fact, summer has always been the foggiest due to the inland getting so toasty and bringing the dense moisture towards it. I wont quote Mark/Sam Twain/Clemens right now but I'm sure you are familiar with his saying of the coldest winter he ever spent.

Yeah.

See? Tacos, tortas, more stuff like that

It was one of those unseasonably warm days that we lit out in search of some entertainment and shade (aka, the movies, we saw "Logan" and, wow, yeah...wow) but beforehand we needed some vittles and refreshment.

Being in the area of Grant and Craycroft we were lucky to find a hidden away food hut nestled between a convenience store and a crappy cell phone retailer just off that busy corner. It may have been a bit rough getting there and the parking wasn't great but once we stepped foot inside we knew that things were about to get a whole lot better.

The house namesake...so good

The Quesadillas is not that new by any standard. Opening up with little to no fanfare in late December of 2015, it has been the online reviewers and social media sharers over the past year that has gotten this cozy grub shed some respect and notoriety, and rightfully so.

Having only been there once before it was time to check back in and see if the food was still as good as the first time.

No.

It was better.

Movin' on down the line

The place was packed this day. The other time we were here we were the only ones in the place. But a late lunch crowd had crammed into the tight space, a line almost out the door, but luckily we found a table under the TV that was happily showing an episode of "The Chew".

We love that show. Hi Carla!

If the name of your place is The Quesadillas then, well, we better order up some quesadillas. So we got a selection: the carne asada, pollo asado, the championes (mushrooms) and a plain bean and cheese variety. The smiling girl at the counter rung us up and the two guys manning the kitchen were a fury of haste and preparation. Even with a full house our food came out quite expeditiously so we wasted no time and dove in.

Such simple splendor

A place such as The Quesadillas isn't going to change the world (well, it might...) but quality food made with quality ingredients by qualified folk could change your outlook on things.

It was stuffy in the place but we didn't mind. The meat was mesquite grilled and seasoned with care, the cheese had a really good pull and smoothness to it and above all the salsas were tangy, tart and well crafted. Every bite was a treat and every variation of a quesadilla was a simple masterpiece. The last time we were here we tried their ribeye tacos and, man, those lil' cajolery folded bits of madness enticed and delighted. All of it, so most awesome.

You don't need much more than this. Plus with prices barely breaking the $5 mark, you can see why they were jammed on a rather hot day an hour or so past the prime lunch rush.

No wonder we had such a rough time finding parking, everyone in the immediate area had the same idea as us. Huh.

Smart people.

Go ahead, pile it on

It may not look like much from the outside and, sure, it can be a bit of a hassle to find it, get there and then if you're lucky nab a table, but if you can muster up the courage to brave a slight hindrance you will be well rewarded by delicious food cooked and served by talented and kind people.

Oh, and be sure to try their flan, some of the best we have ever had...and we're not big on desserts. It looks more like a cake but tastes more like a spongy sweet custard loaf, one that was mixed and baked in some angelic blessed gilded kiln. Although Anita does a pretty good job as it is.

We think that was her name.

Owning and operating a Mexican restaurant here in Tucson is a risky endeavor; so so much competition. But a place like The Quesadillas will do fine because they only have a few things on the menu and the few things they do have on the menu are uncomplicated yet so complex. You need to get there and try at least one of each.

That's what we plan on doing.

You ready?

Let's do it!

Flan you very much

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
A Perfect Afternoon in March, 2017

Metal Influence:

SLAYER

"Kill Again"

Spinning Meat, Bring The Heat!

Officially trompo means "spinning top", you know like what kids play with. But in the case of Polo's Taqueria (918 W. Prince RD) it means a rotating meat girth of awesome.

The owner, the restaurant's namesake (and no it's not pronounced pollo like 'chicken' but Polo, like the game, or clothing line or Marco's last name), is from Mexico City where this style of cooking meat is totally normal. We are used to seeing beef and such cooked on a slowly rotating spit in Mediterranean or Greek restaurants, but here the flavored goodness that gets sliced up nice and thin right from the dripping tower of carne gets put on tortillas instead of pita. And believe us, this is the real deal.

So ready to get down with this mess.

A fresh slab gearing to get tasty

It's a pretty inconspicuous place, in fact when we drove by it we, well...almost drove right by it. Located in a shopping strip, Polo's rests next to a laundry facility and if it wasn't for the big yellow banner out front with the words "HOT DOGS" written on it we probably would have kept on driving.

Once inside you are treated to an extremely casual environment with a tight menu over the register area and festive music playing to get you in the chow down mood. Polo's has all kinds of yummy offerings such as burritos, tacos, sopes, tortas, caldos and even a hamburger...like all good taquerias do and should. To the left you get to witness to the slow spinning beef mash that is topped with a half pineapple with an onion base. El Trompo!

We almost got down on our knees to worship at the altar of revolving splendor.

Almost.

It was that glorious.

Al pastor tacos in all of their glory

The prices are what you would expect, like almost 2 bucks for a taco, but it is the care and quality that you are paying for and these looked like they are fawned over with loving grace. Plus our orders came out fairly quick, so that was good, because we were plenty hungry and ready to dive into the al pastor that was cut fresh right in front of us.

So stoked.

Full salsa bar at your disposal

Polo's has the requisite toppings and salsa bar and the lady running the front counter even came out and suggested how we festoon each item. That was really cool even though her English was almost as bad as our Spanish, but we got the gist.

Not too sure if they were having refrigeration issues that day but the salsas and lettuce were way too cold and were a bit wilty. That is our only critique. Better that than being too warm and going all gush and limp. Whatever. We are survivors.

After we got all of the tacos, burros and sopes in check it was time to sit down and go for it.

The sopes were kind of the best thing ever

The al pastor was amazing. Really juicy and thanks to the fruit and onion infusion it took on a citrusy and savory whimsy. Everything was fresh and all of it, the chicken, the carne, the cabeza, the frijoles, etc, was delicious.

Our favorite though had to be the sopes, which are basically mini taco salads made with a thick tortilla and filled with all sorts of wonder. These things ruled. Maybe its because you can get a good taco or burro almost anywhere here in Tucson but a tasty sope is a bit of a treasure hunt. We struck gold here folks. Best thing is they are kind of heavy so when you eat one, or twelve, you know you are going to get filled up. We did not leave there hungry.

Next time we visit Polo's we are definitely going to try the Cubano torta and a caldo which is a hearty soup filled with thick veggies and rustic cuts of meat. Can't wait.

Now you know kids. Just keep your eyes open because you don't wanna miss the Mexico City radness of this place even though you need to kind of look for it. And everyone was friendly too. That is always a plus and seems to make things even tastier.

Cheers!

Thank you Polo's Taqueria!

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
The First Time In Almost A Month, 2017

Metal Influence:

MAD BUTCHER

"Burn It Down"

The 2016 Tucson Homeskillet Year In Review

OK, so 2016 has gotten a pretty bad rap this, well, year, mainly because it took so many celebrity lives. You know, Prince, Mrs. Brady, Snape, Princess Leia, her mom...and some others apparently. Yeah, that sucks when someone you admire and has been in your life for so long passes but for us here at the Homeskillet, we actually had a pretty banner year.

This was the year where this lil' dopey blog started to break, in a manner of speaking. We went from just a few hits to a bit more hits. That alone is reason to celebrate! Our likes on social media went to literally none to almost some. Hot doggers! And we owe our success to you guys, the readers, the followers and the believers.

Thank you for believing in the Tucson Homeskillet.

So to look back on a most eventful and delectable year, we compiled the most popular and talked about posts and how they all came about. This should be fun, right? Right.

2017 should be just as awesome if not more so because Metal Mark is now the new food guy for the Tucson Weekly. So we are up to the challenge of eating all of the foods. How thrilling!

Anyway, you ready to get this year in review thingy started? Because we are.

Cool. Here we go...

JANUARY:

Our ode to Bowie and Lemmy

January started off with a bang as we gave you some suggestions on how to cure your hangover from various remedies across the globe which then segued into a piece about Metal Mark's lifelong obsession with the pastrami sandwich. 

But the highlight and most hits came from our blog about the world losing both Lemmy from Motorhead and David Bowie. That was a big shock for everyone. Still is. 

Okay, officially Lemmy died in 2015...ON METAL MARK'S BIRTHDAY! Yep. As the crew settled down for some birthday libations, the notice came out that Lemmy died and we all got even drunker than usual. Then as 2016 rolled in, Bowie called out. Not the best way to start a year.

So what we did was find recipes that were inspired by both iconic artists. David Bowie loved shepherd's pie and Lemmy loved cold spaghetti and we think we did alright with the recipes we found. 

Not to mention we told you how to make the "David Bowie" cocktail and, of course, the Lemmy (Jack and Coke). This was a really fun post and we are so stoked that you liked it as much as we had fun writing about it.  

FEBRUARY:

We reviewed the Vegan Black Metal Chef's cookbook

We at the Homeskillet are far from being vegan but we do like delicious food and we do love us some Black Metal. So when Brian Manowitz (aka the Vegan Black Metal Chef) came out with his own cookbook you know we had to get our greedy mitts on this thing.

The recipes he supplies will make you forget you are eating a dish that has absolutely no animal products in them. With the use of spices, sauces and ingenious components, the Vegan Black Metal Chef takes you on a worldwide journey of flavor all the while invoking the darkness of foreboding lore at the same time being funny as all heck. 

This is a cookbook that everyone needs but probably not everyone will get. We really can't see Aunty Myrtle cozying up to a recipe for aloo palak as the VBMC asks you to "stare into the abyss" while "unholy spirits" command you to add more ginger. 

We love it, we love him and obviously you loved this post. Yay!

*insert wailing banshee shriek here, but...all happy like*

MARCH:

We discovered Yogi's Indian Food and Market

We literally just drove by this place on Stone Avenue and went "Whaaa?"

Not hearing anything about it; no notices or twitters, we slammed on the brakes, stepped inside and decided to see and eat for ourselves. 

Luckily, Yogi's was awesome and we have been back a few times not just for their cuisine but for their vegetables and goods as well. This place rules and we are so happy that they are doing well. 

The food at Yogi's is lighter than most other Indian restaurants in town, and that's what we love about it. Each dish just has a airy freshness to it and when you want to gorge or delicious Indian food (as we usually do) it's nice to come out of it feeling nourished as opposed to feeling like you want to food nap for a few hours. 

So if you are in that area and have a craving for some delicious Indian food (as you should) step into Yogi's and say that you heard about them from the Tucson Homeskillet. Then the Bhati family will just look at you funny and be all "Um...sure."

Trust us here. 

APRIL:

We celebrated the Omar sandwich from the Sausage Deli

April was an awesome month. It was the month where we discovered Manna From Heaven Indian fry bread tacos, ate at the wildly overrated Blake's Lotaburger and explained why we don't like covering downtown eateries. There was a lot going on but the post that took the prize that month was our ode to the Omar sandwich.

The Sausage Deli offers up a ton of delectable treats served between bread but the Omar is an entity all its own. It sounds pretty simple when you break it down: turkey, salami, Swiss cheese, onions, peppers, mustard and Italian dressing, but when you bite into it you know you are eating something special.

We love the Omar so much we took it to the fair, for a beer, to an Iron Maiden concert and then finally let the Homeskillet's own compound cat, Lil' Poundcake, get in on the action.

It was a grand day out with one of the grandest sandwiches Tucson has to offer and we are so happy that you guys liked the post as well.

Cheers!

MAY:

We just can't get enough of Bam Bam Food Truck's Korean / Mexican fusion

It is well known that we are food truck obsessed. Some of our best posts have been because of the efforts and cuisine from the various carts, trucks and trailers set up serving absolute deliciousness. 

In May we confessed to our inclination to Bam Bam's Korean / Mexican fusion. Oh dear lord, is their food fantastic. 

Owned and operated by Fernando Sanchez, a Tucson native that was raised in Mexico, he is able to meld together the tang, spice and elegance of two rather different regions only to fuse them into a savory journey that we still just can't get enough of. The tacos, the yakisoba noodle dishes the...everything, is just divine. We have yet to have a bad dish from him and his truck. 

Lately Bam Bam can be found by the Flycatcher on 4th most nights, so when you're in the vicinity and need some amazingness in your life, Fernando will clearly set you up. 

So good.

JUNE:

We introduced you to Big Mike and the Bronx Tale food truck

Our favorite go-to bar, Danny's, always gets a good supply of food trucks and we were lucky to feature a good amount of them for this site. But one truck that stood out for us was The Bronx Tale. 

Run by the gentle giant of a man, Michael Eure, Bronx Tale dishes out some "New York" style BBQ and the few items he does offer are simply exquisite. 

The ribs are saucy and fall apart at the bone, the pork sliders are tender and juicy but what we really fawn over is his catfish sliders. 

Not too sure if it is the seasoning, the crunchy yet creamy slaw or what but these things are addictive. His mac 'n cheese is rich and heavenly as is his strawberry cornbread which we can't decide if it's a dessert or a meal unto itself. Doesn't matter. 

So when you see the usually hidden red truck with the little sign that reads "BBQ", you need to pull over and get your face into that mess. And its a good mess. Its a New York saucy mess. 

And thanks for reading and sharing this post. It was almost as fun writing about him as it was eating his food. Yum.

JULY:

We hung out with Tucson's own competitive eating champ, Michelle Lesco

It was summertime and things were heating up, even though there wasn't a whole lot of new stuff to write about, food wise that was.

Luckily Tucson's own competitive eating champ Michelle "Cardboard Shell" Lesco hung out with us at Boca Tacos n Tequila and we chatted about what it takes to take down 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, how one gets into the competitive eating circuit and how the heck does someone stay so skinny when they eat the Lindy's OMFG burger on a regular basis. 

Michelle was awesome, we became good friends and best of all she invited us to come along and try to accomplish some of the other food challenges around town. We still have yet to take her up on it but perhaps in the new year we will be brave enough to take down a 5 lbs burrito or hot wings that register just off of the "are you fxxking kidding me" scale in Scoville units. 

Don't give up on us Michelle. It's just that we need to train for those challenges just like you do before heading off to Coney Island for the Nathan's eating event. 

Does drinking beer and marathoning old VH1 elimination game shows like "Rock of Love" and "America's Most Smartest Model" count as 'training'? 

We hope so... 

AUGUST:

We ate a bunch of weird potato chips and fast food so you didn't have to

When we eat garbage food the general public seems to, um, eat it up. Every time we gather around to ingest sandwiches infused with flaming hot crap or seasonal shakes that taste like minty toothpaste, the few that click on this here blog go a little nuts. 

This time we ate potato chips that were flavored like tzatziki, szechuan chicken, tikki masala and Brazilian spit meat. All we can say is that, well...it didn't go so great. Not that we didn't have fun trying them, we sure did, but the flavor combos on those chips were like dusty, curdled waves of horror. But that's the nature of the food blogging biz. Sometimes you eat the deliciousness and then sometimes you eat the toilet that the delicious food eventually winds up in.  

Luckily for us we were able to hand off these bags of crispy swill to some rather intoxicated suckers, uh....customers down at the end of the bar and leave with a scant amount of dignity. 

Don't try this at home kids. Leave the garbage food eating to the pros...

SEPTEMBER:

We ate the Whopperito and (sort of) lived to tell you about it

And speaking of garbage food. Holy god forsaken crap for crap!

The friggin' Whopperito. 

Ugh. 

We ate two of these things. We are not proud of it. We went a little insane.

Can we move on from this one please?

Thanks.

Done. 

Next...

OCTOBER:

We looked back on some recent restaurant closures and how we felt about them

It's always sad to see one of your favorite places to grab a bite to eat totally eat it. 2016 was fraught with all sorts of closures and we tracked down a few and told you our feelings about them.

We were totally convinced that the Orenccio's fast casual concept on Campbell Ave would make it but it shut down like a week after opening with a cease and desist note on the front door. Yikes.

Tokyo Rice Bowl was awesome as was Cali Grill (sometimes) but the one we are totally fine with being gone was La Fuente because, man, we never had a good experience there.  Sorry, we know it was open for many years but the food will not be missed.

Hopefully 2017 will be a little more forgiving on some of our favorite eateries, unless its that place where we ate the "Best Burger and Burrito in Tucson" because that poo hut has got to go.

Just saying... 

NOVEMBER:

We gave nods to who we think should have won "Best of Tucson"

November kind of slowed down a bit because of the oncoming holidays, Metal Mark going full throttle with the Tucson Weekly and various other distractions. We did get a chance to review the new cookbooks from Marcus Samuelsson and Anthony Bourdain, which was cool, but the one post in November that garnered a ton of hits (aka, more than 23) was our votes on who should have gotten the Best Of in Tucson.

Not to knock his new gig but every year the Tucson Weekly puts out the "best of" which is totally voted by the reading public. A lot of the winners were fine but a big majority, especially in the food and eating department, we just had to speak up against and give our nods to. 

It just feels as if a majority of readers vote for the same ol' places because its what they know and its what they are comfortable with. Now that Tucson is a food destination and the first official "US city of gastronomy", the way we eat and how it is served up is changing...big time. 

So look back and see what you think. Thank you again for all of the shares and comments. 

DECEMBER:

We introduced you to the Sausage Fest hot dog cart

To round out a most sumptuous year we hung out with our good pal Erik "Chili" Hulten and his hot dog cart the Sausage Fest. This guy not only runs our home away from home but he comes up with some enticing combos and fits it all on some squishy buns.

Squishy buns!

Anyway, so the next time you are at Danny's or various events about town you need to stop by the Sausage Fest and eat one of his creations that usually involve lots of bacon, IPA infused 'kraut, fried green tomatoes, his secret chili (hence the nickname) and most importantly Chili's house made pickles. So good and such a good guy.

Thanks again for making 2016 a fantastic, fun and food filled year. We are looking forward to another year of eating, drinking and writing all about it. 

You guys rule.

Cheers!

Camera, Typing and Looking Back

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

New Years Eve, 2016

Metal Influence:

IRON MAIDEN

"Remember Tomorrow"

The Tucson Homeskillet Gift Giving Guide for Xmas 2015!

Welcome to the first annual Tucson Homeskillet Holiday Gift Giving Guide! It's 2015 and oh what a year it has been. We've had so much fun eating and drinking across Tucson and now it's time to settle in for Xmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzza, Festivus, etc etc which means even more eating and drinking...which is our favorite thing ever so, bring it. 

But, you know, we've grown quite weary of the same thing year after year. Presents we're talking about here. You always go to Amazon or whatever on Cyber Monday to get discounts on things nobody wants or watch in horror as greedy idiots who have been waiting all night in front of big box stores on Black Friday to get deals on stuff they don't need in the first place. Nor do the people they plan on giving those gifts for need or want as well. 

 Well dear readers, The Tucson Homeskillet is here to help!

Seeing as we like to keep things local, we thought it would be great to send out some unique ideas for gift giving this holiday season courtesy of two of our favorite supermarkets in Tucson. 

We are talking about the Asian persuasions themselves, Lee Lee and Grantstone Supermarkets, respectively. 

Having always been a big fan of these markets, we recently came across a plethora (you heard it right kids, a plethora!) of out of the ordinary gifts from those stores for those hard to shop for friends and family members. 

You ready? Here we go... 



Part 1: Lee Lee Oriental Supermarket

Our first stop is Lee Lee Supermarket (1991 W Orange Grove Rd.)

Having the Homeskillet home base be decidedly midtown Tucson, getting to Lee Lee is a bit of a trip, but what a worthwhile journey it is! This place has everything and I mean everything. Looking around the vast expanse of the store had me jotting down all kinds of ideas for presents this year, mainly for people I have no idea what to get in the first place. 

So if you follow our lead here you just might be inspired to wrap these, shall we say, "uncommon"?, gifts for those finicky or difficult to please members of your immediate present exchange holiday circle. 

1) For the person that wont settle for anything less

Aunt Maggie sure is tough. She only enjoys the "finer" things in life. Well these chestnuts without their shell should impress her only because they are the best. And, best of all, they are ready to eat! It says right there on the package: Best. Why would this product lie? I mean, look at the dude in full bar-be-que gear. He's stoked! He is eating the best roasted chestnuts. Like ever. But...it doesn't say 'grilled' or 'BBQ' so...what's he doing on the cover? Now I'm confused. 

Whatever. The best!

2) For the little entomologist

Lil' niece Gertrude sure does love butterflies don't she? She sure does. Always has. Heck, she even has her room decorated like the Botanical Gardens when they do their butterfly magic expo. Now you can crank her weird obsession up a few notches and have her actually eat the things she loves most. Aww, isn't it cute? Look at her, just gnawing away at various monarchs and swallowtails. 

The holidays are magic!   

3) For the bodybuilder in your life

Your neighbor Pete is always at the gym, always telling you how you need to "buff up" and "get hard" and "stop peeing in his bushes late at night". Oh Pete. Well, now you have the perfect gift for him; some squid that is just as shredded as he is. This aint no girly man snack we're talking about here, no sir. This stuff is only for the ripped and the swole. And it's spicy too! This is a man's man kind of gift that will keep on giving even if he keeps stealing your mail that's wrapped in anonymous brown wrapping. 

Don't you just hate neighbor Pete? 

Salud! 

4) For the "going through puberty" kid

Your cousin Virgil just turned 13 and 'things' are starting to happen to him. His voice is changing, strange urges abound and hair is starting to grow where once was smoothness. This fuzzy squash is a sure fire hit letting him know that you too went through "the change" and that everything will be alright. Unless of course he starts getting real zitty, then he's toast. 

Oh, he is a bit spotty. Well, maybe he'll grow tall and play basketball. Let's go with that.  

5) For the indecisive person on your gift list

Let's face it, your sister Myrna can be quite the pain in the patootie sometimes. First she wants fish then she wants steak, first its "Oh Tom Hardy is the sexiest man ever" then it's "I think that kid that played Steve Urkel is hot", and on and on. Just can't make up her mind can she? Well with these salted duck parts she gets all kinds of fun variety and will never have the same bite twice. Was that a leg? Probably. A breast? Maybe. An anus and duck bill? Whee!

The adventures will never stop this Xmas because Myrna will always have to keep guessing what the heck she just chewed and swallowed. She loves you! 

6) For the "adventurous" type

Here are the facts: Durian fruit has the consistency of snot curd, smells like Pete's gym locker and tastes as if an onion couple just gave birth to a fart. So when "Wild Will", your globe trotting and totally lame second cousin arrives for the holidays, hand him a gift wrapped spiky yellow ball of spite and tell him that it came from some indigenous tribal tree just outside of (Make Up Fake Country Here) and that only the most virile men can eat it. Then sit back and watch the magic. Watching that insufferable Will eat a durian fruit and pretend to enjoy it makes the holiday season even more tolerable. That'll keep him locked and silent in the lavatory for a while.

God bless us, everyone. 

7) Part two for the puberty kid

Virgil sure has a lot of questions, especially when it comes to girls. Well, since you're not his mom or dad (thank Jeebus for that) hand him a bag of these steamed bananas and watch his eyes glow with curiosity and slight arousal. Then pat him on the back, nod your head and say, "You were asking about girls, right? Yeah. It's...kind of like that."

Oh the enchantment.  

8) For that annoying juggler boyfriend


Look, your little sister is going through a phase. She met Kyle (ugh...) at Burning Man and now they are a "thing". He wears Teva sandals with socks and is all bummed that his hacky sack fell down the gutter. To make things worse, Kyle likes to juggle...down by the beach. Well to show your support of his, uh, talent, give him some fresh items to impress the crowds (okay, that one weird guy who wears a tube sock around his head like a bandana who cheers him on now and then is usually his "crowd") such as these fish heads. Yessir the eyes will be a poppin' much like the recently decapitated here. Can you smell that? That's the scent of joy coming off of Kyle as your sister just looks up at him and thinks, 'This guy is lame. I'm sure there will be cute guys at Coachella.'

And Kyle isn't even that cute! Oh the blessings!

9) For the, shall we say, "questionable" one you know

Here's a cleaver little gift (see what I did there?) for that one person you know would just LOVE to handle and operate a full on slasher movie weapon. That's right, found on aisle 5, next to the tea kettles and embellished cats waving their right paw for eternity, I found just the perfect item for that exceptionally quiet kid or uncle with the "exotic hobbies" or even that jacked up nephew that calls himself a Juggalo and goes "whoop whoop" everytime he walks into a room. This handy dandy present is one that those, uh, "special" people in our lives will treasure forever. Or until their parole hearing.

Whichever comes first.  Glad tidings!

10) For the aging ska punk enthusiast

Fishbone the band was a seminal product of music stylings combining ska, punk, funk, rock and soul. This gift for your buddy Terry "Two Tone" will delight and send strange flashbacks from 1980's bathroom stalls where Terry and his rude boy pals were all gathered together snorting glue and doing shots of warm Rumple Minze stolen from his granddad's liquor shed before the band took stage. Once they did, the skanking took over and Terry got the spins real bad and before you know it he threw up on frontman Angelo Moore, then known as Dr. Madd Vibe, who whacked Terry with his saxophone sending him to the hospital but couldn't afford the care so he snuck out and slept in an old dumpster still wet from the rain and made good friends with a dead racoon he named Danzig.

Terry will call you Santa Clause for years to come! 

11) For the self satisfying hybrid car driver

Oh goody, here come Carol and Sebastian, those "hippie" relatives of yours that rake in more than 100k a year and still insist they live off the grid somewhere in Berkley. Because of their constant, constant, chatter about the wonders of their hybrid automobiles, you just went ahead and took it a full rung higher. The parrot fish has the flavor of a mackerel yet possesses the ability to talk non-stop about nothing...just like them! It's perfect for when they entertain Birkenstock wearing clones of their ilk with balding ponytails and personal yoga instructors named Selene, going on about "sustainability" and how this fish was caught wild by the hands of a Native American wearing only mud and the light of the sun god.

Sure. That and I just farted in your Chevy Volt.  Christmas miracles abound!

12) For the average Joe on your list

"Hey, thanks for the present."
"How'd you like it?"
"It's good."
"That's it?"
"Yeah. It was good."
"I thought it was special."
"I dunno. It's good though."
"Okay. So how are things?"
 "They're good."
"And the kids?"
"Good."
"Job?"
"Good."
"Great. Say, I'm going to go drink turpentine now. Will you excuse me?"
"That's good." 

13) For the slave to the routine

Everyday aunt Fernelda gets up she does exactly 10 leg squats and 10 arms lifts. Then she has oatmeal with exactly half a shaker of Splenda. Then she watches the news, her judge shows and The Price Is Right before going and doing her shopping.  When she comes back, she naps, plays bridge with the girls, eats dinner, plays Grand Theft Auto 5 with a 40oz of King Cobra and goes to bed. That's what she does. 

Now it's time to add some color to her palate. Something she can do on a, oh...regular basis. Something...often. You know what I'm trying to say here right? She needs something that she can rely on...on a...um...usual time slot?

Oh, it'll come to me. I've been drinking spiked eggnog since Tuesday.  Cheers!

14) For the wise one of the family

Hey, you are one third there buddy. All you need now is some balm and a precious metal. Wouldn't be Christmas without it. Because, you know, little babies need an aromatic resin to go with the gold and myrrh that those dudes brought. Am I right? 

Welp...see you in hell! 

15) For the calorie counter you may know

Those folks you know that are constantly dieting? Here's just the thing.

What is it? I don't know! But, hey....zero calories!

 Do the wonders of the holidays ever cease?

16) For the diet fad anarchist

First of all, no, you are not gluten intolerant. .01% of people actually have Celiac Disease which is what the whole gluten free revolution was based off of. But a bloaty tummy when you eat a sandwich doesn't mean you immediately have a gluten allergy, it just means you ate a sandwich that disagreed with you and take a Tums. 

This gift here is a big middle finger to that whole multi-million dollar fear industry and for that the lil elves that made this in their workshop are giggling knowing your brother's fiance, Judith (ugh), will just shriek with disgust knowing this is even in the same house as her. Because, you know, she reminds eveyone about every fifteen minutes how she is gluten free and has been for the last month or so.

By the way Judith, that 7th glass of wine you just downed sure as heck isn't gluten free and you sure seem to be having a great time. 

Oh, Judith is talking about the economy now. Time to make snow angels!

17) For the up and coming marketing exec

So little Erma wants to go into product marketing does she? Isn't that just precious. Well here is something you can learn from Erma. 

Just take a look. That's right. Now what do you see?

Black slat? What's black slat? There's no such thing as black slat. You know why?

Because it's supposed to be black SALT. You had one job translator typesetter guy. One job. And you blew it. 

 At just 10 years old, Erma is now running things at Laxmi Brand. She moved to Flushing and is doing just fine. 

Oh the weather outside is frightful... 

18) For your friend Miguel/Miguelita

Well, here you go. Merry Christmas. Huh? What is it? Um, I'm not really sure. But apparently it's a blend you might enjoy. And it's been trusted for about 70 years....so. Yeah. Oh hey, can I get that hammer back that you borrowed, like, oh...a few months ago. Kinda. Need. It. Yeah, the one with the red handle. Thanks. 

 Feliz Navidad!

19) For Metal Mark

Remember when I ordered Kewpie mayo special from Japan and the shipping and handling cost three times the amount of a tube of the stuff? Yeah. It's just sitting on the shelves at Lee Lee. 

For all my smarts, oh man am I dumb... 

Part 2: Grantstone Supermarket

Where Lee Lee sits in a comfy if not bland area of town surrounded by a gas station and various strip mall restaurants, Grantstone (8 W. Grant Rd) rests in a rather questionable location with visitors of all creed, mainly those jabbering nonsense as they hustle by in a fume of longtime crazy wearing bags on their heads. Once you get past the ramshackle and noise, you are treated to a wondrous expanse of variety from all across the globe. 

This is why Grantstone should be your one stop shopping mecca for all the hard to shop for folks that just seem to enjoy re-gifting that special item you found last minute at Walgreens, drunk after that holiday party. There will be no re-gifting here my friends. Oh no. Mainly because the items here are still wriggling around. That and there's a strict no return policy. 

Let's go!



20) *please see #19

It comes in gallons here? BLERG!!! 

21) For the eternal optomist

Uncle Hank is always in a good mood, he always has something good to say. Why is this? Because he is slowly dying inside. Three divorces, on his second mortgage and his dream of being a famous puppeteer came crashing down when he discovered booze and blow in the late 80s. So to keep from completely imploding, Hank is always whistling a jaunty tune (ugh...whistlers), always looks on the bright side of life and habitually keeps his flask nice and full. 

This holiday season, give him a happy promise he can keep all through the winter, because, honestly, he's gonna need it. Because that isn't chocolate mister.

 Joy to the world!

22) For that one person that still watches "Duck Dynasty"

You know the TV show. A bunch of camo wearing beardos from the swamp lands of nether-America struck it rich making duck calls and now they are famous and like to say racist things publicly whenever they get the chance. 

Like ducks do ya? Well have you tried duck balut? No? Wait....you don't even know what it is? Well then, you are in for a Xmas treat! Nothing says "Ho Ho Ho!" than chomping down on a partially developed duck embryo, boiled and eaten raw in the shell. Yum yum. I'll have seconds please. Pass it around, don't think grandma has had any balut yet. Good thing you have those beards because finding secret sprinkles of half eaten bird embryo in them later is like having angels bless you with happy stardust. 

 Merry, merry to all!

23) For the glutton on the list

Like chicken? Like soup? Like chicken soup? Like to eat a whole lot as well? 

Dig in! You just combined all of Esther's and "Big" Jerry's favorite things in one single bowl. You are their favorite now. Unfortunately Esther likes to give you kisses, especially after she has eaten most of the fruitcake (yes....Esther actually eats the fruitcake, yes even the old ones from like 10 years ago) so be prepared. 

 Glory be!

24) For that hard to shop for stoner

Know someone that likes to get mad turnt whenever possible? This "special" curry powder will turn any dish into a trip down the blazin' trails of the high country. 

Think that's a chicken he's smoking? Wait...is it? Dude, it totally looks like a chicken...or a bird of some kind. Isn't that weird? Oh man, I am so wasted. 

Happy...uh...um...what was I saying?

25) For that bowler dad of yours

Admit it, dad's bowling game has been off since...ever. He thinks when he breaks 100 he can make the pro circuit. Your dad also likes to smell gas when he's pumping it down at the Circle K. 

Let him know that it's time to move on. Fill his ball bag with something useful...like this octopus. It's round, it's kinda heavy and, best of all, it tastes delicious on crackers! What crappy blowing ball can say that? They can't! It's a ball. At least an octopus can look back at you when you're trying to get the golden turkey. But the suckers on the tentacles will prevent him from even getting halfway down the lane, so...there's that.  

Yuletide!

26) For the Black Metal fan in your fam

Ellie is just Goth and likes to be somber and wear black while shopping at Hot Topic. But Megan, MEGAN!, is into the real deal, she loves Black Metal. All over the walls of her bedroom are posters for Dark Throne, Mayhem, Gorgoroth and the like. Let her know that you oh so approve by getting her something she can really use:

Pork blood. 

Sure, wearing corpse paint makeup out in the open is cool and gets some looks, but imagine Megan just drenched in real pigs blood when she boards the bus to school. Heck, she just might be the new lead singer for Emperor just on principal alone!  Hallelujah! 

 I mean...hail Satan!

27) *see number 24

28) For the Hollywood gossip type

Someone on your list that can't get enough TMZ, or reads the National Enquirer religiously or thinks the Kardashian's are America's first family? Nothing says "hungry for more celebrity gossip" than actually being able to ingest your favorite worthless pastime. 

When you say "Megan Fox is so hot I could just eat her up!", open a can of Celebrity Luncheon Meat and pretend to do just that! It's also best to just keep some of this handy while you binge on a "Real Housewives of...whatever" marathon. Isn't that crazy ho a dish?

Now she is!

 Mangia!

29) For that random Tracy Ullman fan

Remember Tracy Ullman? Yeah, so does Rick. He loves her. Always has. Can't stop reminding people that The Simpson's got their start on her show. 

Now he can wear her on his...wait. That looks nothing like Tracy Ullman. Does it? No. Well...

 Eh. Rick huffs gold paint. He'll never know the difference. 

Huzzah!

30) For that 'in constant danger' person

Tilly always thinks she is being followed. She's not. She lives in a small New England township where everyone knows the business of everyone, unfortunately all she does is watch crime shows and Fox News when she's not conspiracy theorizing. But, apparently, there is always a lurking marauder skulking in the bushes ready to strike. 

To ease her paranoia just give her a big bin of mace. She'll love it. When that invisible masher comes a knockin', all she has to do is grab a handful of this stuff and toss it in his face. That'll show 'em. 

Either that or she can make a mess of donuts for you so, really, it's the gift that keeps on giving.  
Oh the glory!

31) Finally for the person that has everything, except...

Know someone that drives nice car, has a great job, money in the bank, lots of hip, sexy people always hanging on them, houses in Milan, New York and Paris, but is just sick and tired of being called "Hey You"?

Then look no further. 

At Grantstone they can get the one thing that has eluded them their whole life. You will be their Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzza miracle with this gift. And when you present them with it, all you have to say is: "Now you really do have it all."

Then they might fall into a deep pit of despair knowing there is nowhere else to go and drive that Lamborghini off a cliff. So there's that. Good luck!

 Oh rapture!

Hope this list helps!

Happy Holidays from Metal Mark and the Tucson Homeskillet!



Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Early December, 2015

Metal Influence (well...punk really)

LIP CREAM