The Tucson Homeskillet (Sort Of) Year In Review

Why the "sort of" in parenthesis for a year in review? Well, officially The Tucson Homeskillet got its humble humble start in 2011.

At the time, I, Metal Mark, was working as a chef and kitchen supervisor while my dear partner in culinary crime, She-Ra, continued her rise to fame and power at her base of beer and food operations at Old Chicago. It was around this era that the both of us came to the conclusion, as we discussed future plans, that we would love to open a place of our own. You know, a fun bar concept that serves up really good food. Or...something like that, we're still working on it. So in the moment I thought it would be cool to start a sort of food blog to track our path to small business ownership.

Yeah, well...we still have a long long way to go before we are even close to being in business for ourselves.

At first the Homeskillet was just a once in a while "when we got around to it" blog that was very basic, very homey without any real care, ambition or focus. It was just sort of a...'whatever' thing with us.

The Tucson Homeskillet debuted in 2011 with this funky banner

We did things like recipes with leeks, how to save money during the lean times of the summer here in Tucson and, of course, eating crap fast food when we (I) got too drunk. It was just an amusing venture to do when we got around to it and that was honestly all there was to that.

But then, suddenly, the Tucson Homeskillet came to a skidding halt.

In 2014 She-Ra and I experienced a very tragic, very emotionally trying year, one that was wrought with the loss of five, count them five, family members in the course of a few short months. We don't want to go into it but, yeah....2014 sucked and the last thing on our minds was writing about our favorite happy hours, how to cook leeks or the secret to our amazing homemade burgers.

(It's infusing bacon and brisket into the beef...shhhhh!)

Man, I was really in love with that stupid font

The aftershock of such a terrible and draining collection of months stayed with us (me especially, since I lost both of my Dads within a few short weeks) was so devastating that all I could do was work my day job in a zombie-like haze and eat and drink just to get by. It was rough. Really rough. For quite a spell "Metal Mark" was definitely not himself and that alone was just sadness piled on sadness making a sadness cake of bummed out sad.

After wallowing in my own suck mire for long enough, I decided that it was time to move on. Not so much 'get over it', but at least try and get back into the groove of real life. So I made a short list of things that make me happy and try to find some amount of inspiration and solace in that.

Here is what it said:

She-Ra

Food

Metal

My friends

Bad movies

A good honest drink

Our garden

Lil Poundcake 

(who adopted us on New years Eve of 2014, so she was like the best thing ever...still is)

So I broke it down and decided that if I could infuse all of those elements into a fun project I just might be able to pull through. But how, but what and but where?

Hey, why not revive the Homeskillet?

Another early promo when the Tucson Homeskillet was (kind of) just known as The Homeskillet

That seemed fine and dandy and all but, really, I didn't feel like giving life to some silly old blog, one fixated with the AR Christy font and cartoon bunnies as my header logo.

Huh. When I put it like that, the bunny thing seems kind of cool. Still...it was time to take the site to a new level.

To motivate me into the foray of food journalism I contacted the one big name in town, a food site that covers any and all culinary goings on around town and one that I had been following for about a year or so.

I met with the head honcho of the food site and I immediately started pitching ideas. He liked my one about the best banh mi sandwiches in Tucson so I was soon off and running around southern Arizona, looking for, finding and then eating the delicious Vietnamese delicacy. In about a week I had consumed about a good dozen or so banh mi sandwiches and, yes, to this day, I still have yet to touch another one. They're good and everything, it's just that, well...when you've done nothing but eat one item everyday in such a close amount of time the smell and flavor of it all becomes a trite prosaic, even unappetizing. But I got my first assignment in and was soon on to my next article for the site.

Love me some banh mi sandwiches but after that piece...ugh

Well, it didn't take long to see that I was a poor fit for that particular website. My style is just too loose and my focus is far from the downtown hipster scene or the newest and trendiest eateries in Tucson, which is what the site kind of prides itself on.

I turned in three articles then we parted ways. But it wasn't a total loss. To contribute to the site you had to have a badass camera, so I had purchased myself one and, eventually, was able to finally pay it off with tax returns. Plus it had lit a fire under by butt and in my belly that I had the chops to do this food blogging thing on my own.

So on a day off, while She-Ra was at work, I sat down and reconfigured the design of the Homeskillet, added a bunch of extras, got rid of that lame AR Christy font and blasted the header with a picture I took after a run from a farmers market alongside an old piece of pizza I found in the microwave.

The idea was simple: Put all of the elements I had written down and just turn the Tucson Homeskillet into a fun passion piece.

After I had gotten the design to a decent specification, I threw this post up just to see what would happen:

The blog reboot in 2015 with this proclamation

Not much happened. I think a good dozen or so people saw that post. I mean, it really wasn't much of anything so I then decided that my first real article was going to be a fairly big one.

I took a long day trip down 6th Avenue, sampling some of the food truck fare, visiting the massive Food City, eating pastries at La Cave's and just getting myself out there to see what I could see. It was a clunky piece, fairly unfocused, but it was a start into a new and bigger direction. Promoting it online and such got me more responses but just a scant above the usual low double digits or so. It was then that I made the decision to be a proper website and not just a blog page.

So I registered the name, paid the small fee and from then on Google allows me to be www.tucsonhomeskillet.com. It was then that things started to take off.

Sort of.

Once we got the web address, the adverts started going out

Still small time compared to some of the heavy hitters in the food writing sites and publications here in Tucson, but with a goofy edge and a Metal song waiting for you at the end, my subscription page began to grow...ever so slightly.

But I needed more content. My goal was at least one post a week, and my posts aren't just lil' blurbs and a photo or two of food. Oh no. The idea was to have at least a dozen full color photos and the writing was to be fluid and conversational with an emphasis on the food and, above all, to tell stories. I needed to have a different angle than most food sites, blogs and periodicals that I have come across in all of my pre-blog relaunch research.

The Tucson Homeskillet was to be broken down into two nouns and a verb: Food, Fun and Metal.

Seems simple enough. With those words emblazoned on the splash page it was time to hit the streets and get the lowdown on what is happening in the underground and hidden in plain sight food scene of Tucson.

One of the first features on the new site to get a few hundred hits

If I wasn't driving around town in different neighborhoods trying to find a hidden gem, I was online doing searches such as "worse burrito", "weirdest sushi", "scary place, good food". When I would find something of my liking, I, and oftentimes She-Ra or a close pal, would go out there and check it out. The results were sometimes awesome. occasionally tasty and even totally gross here and there.

Yes, I did find the worst burrito in Tucson. Blecch. That was a rough assignment.

Luckily I have a day job that allows me to research some of this when I am manning the front desk and it's slow enough. I've been working for the Pima County Library since 2012, a strange and welcome transition from my time as a chef and kitchen manager, but one that lets me utilize my background in literature and theater. For that I am grateful.

But because of the Tucson Homeskillet and my occasional blog post on the library's website, I am now known as the resident "food guy". Which is cool, but trying to answer everyone's question on where they should go to lunch can sometimes be a little, well...daunting. Because I don't know. Most librarians don't want to eat in dark dive bars or hunt for street tacos from a vendor in an abandoned lot somewhere.

Metal Mark works in a library to support his food blog habit (yes, I was on bus benches promoting the library's job help program for quite some time...cool right?)

So the design of the site was pretty good, better than the first installment. I had a proper web address. I made a Facebook page for the blog. Got me some business cards. When I contacted various food trucks, restaurants or bars to feature them on the site, most said yes, which was and is very cool. Unfortunately a decent amount said no or just never got back to me. Which is not so cool.

Here's one example of a rejection I got because the Tucson Homeskillet isn't so widely known:

A big charity organization that does a huge Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless, was interested in me covering, at first, their preparation for the free feast, enough that I met with some of the higher ups and organizers in order to do so. Cool, I thought. Getting the word out about all of the hard work it takes to serve thousands of hungry and homeless people in Tucson seemed like an amazing article to me.

Then about a week before the event, I got an email from them. It basically said that after they reviewed the Tucson Homeskillet, I, and the site, were deemed "inappropriate" for what the charity stands for. Inappropriate? Really? It must be the Metal thing because nothing else on the Homeskillet is offensive or "inappropriate". I don't even curse on the site. Fxxk that. This is a family friendly food blog and for that I became even more disillusioned with the good Christian organization.

Not going to say who they are, but the bell ringers every Xmas outside of stores gives you an indication.

Still don't know? Um, they rhyme with Cralvation Blarmy.

Yeah. There you go.

The Tucson Homeskillet's first big break was covering the good folks at the Tucson Hop Shop which was the first time an article gathered over a thousand hits

It wasn't until I happened to find a tucked away beer shop that things began to change for me and the Tucson Homeskillet.

Up a few blocks from our favorite bar, a new place called The Tucson Hop Shop opened up. Run by a husband and wife team, the beer venue sits among the art encampments in the Metal Arts Village off Dodge Blvd. and was only open a few short weeks when I pulled up and checked it out. The Hop Shop was really cute, had a great beer selection and the fact that it was 100% local made me contact them the minute I got home. When asked for an interview and feature, both Jessie and David, who own and run the shop, agreed to be a part of the Tucson Homeskillet.

Within a few days after posting the article I had hit the 1,000 views mark.

Wow, I thought. People are actually reading my stuff. Thanks to the Tucson Hop Shop, my goofy food blog was starting to get recognized.

But the next one I posted, something about holiday gift giving, didn't even come close to 1,000 views. So that knocked me down a bit. Although right after that I did a feature on the food truck American Flying Buffalo and, boom!, I was back in the thousands again.

Then not much. Then not much again. Then something slightly better. So on and so forth.

It became very clear that it depends on who shares my posts and how I promote each piece that gets the biggest hits.

I'm still learning this whole online promotion thing.

I just want to eat, drink and write about it. The rest I am totally winging it.

 Mmmmm....wings.

This logo will soon be everywhere

One day in early 2016, as I was checking my email, I found a glorious message with an attachment on it. My good pal Josh Cicci, who is a cartoonist and comedian, drew up a rough sketch of what will soon become our new logo. Yes the one right above all of this. Look up!

"I love your blog," Josh said, "so I thought you'd like this."

Yeah, he just drew it up one afternoon, scanned it and sent it my way. It is beautiful and with a little finesse and clean up we can do great things with it.

Now here comes the funny part.

Lately I have been getting business "mail" with letters and such all addressed to not just me but to the Tucson Homeskillet.

Oh yeah. Ever since we went dot com I have received catalogs aimed at (get this) the shipping and distribution manager for the Tucson Homeskillet. Shipping and distribution? Manager? Guys I sit in my underwear uploading food photos then writing clever copy on a crappy laptop in my living room as the cat tries to jump in my way hoping that, maybe, a few folks might click on the link and read my stuff.

Shipping and distribution manager indeed. Love it.

The best is getting these random business "credit cards" with my name and the Tucson Homeskillet etched out in raised yellow letters and numbers. What the heck is National Funding anyway? Total scam I'm sure but, man, they really want me to start an account with them. For now, my one debit and one credit card is all I need to buy locally produced beer and the signature dish from a food truck parked in a dusty lot.

Here and there I get free product when I chat them up but for the most part I have to budget in food and drink costs. So the Tucson Homeskillet is more than just a non-profit...it's an anti-profit! Whee!

Whatever. I love what I do and I'm just glad that some of you out there appreciate what we do and read and share our wacky little website.

Thanks for that. If it wasn't for you all in Tucson (and beyond!) the Homeskillet wouldn't be what it is today. Heck, I'd probably shut it all down and try to write another book.

Naw. Screw that...this is too much fun!

Because book writing suuuuuucks.

Yeah, credit cards and business proposals for a blog that makes absolutely no money...sweet

So the first year of the new Tucson Homeskillet has been an amazing one. We are still learning, still evolving and are always up for a new challenge.

It's fun to go back in time to the first few posts, from like 2011-13 and see how the page has developed and improved. Heck, even the first few from the revamp in '15 were kind of wonky and archaic, but it was a step in the right direction.

The goal, for now, is a new post every Friday (which is a chore seeing as I am doing this, almost, by myself with a full time job and a life..sort of) and to deliver something worth reading, worth looking at and above all worth getting you out there to try some delicious food and drink. The Tucson Homeskillet may be home grown and relatively small, but we are having way too much fun to care. With our good friends and readers such as you all we can do is keep doing what we are doing, keep moving up and moving forward and hopefully we will ride along with the other bigger food sites, blogs and periodicals here in town (and beyond!) as a contributing member of what truly counts in life:

Food, Fun and, of course, Metal.

Thank you Homeskilleteers for making this the best year ever! Just keep reading and, more importantly, just keep eating.

Cheers!

She-Ra and Metal Mark doing what they do best...thanks everyone!

Some Camera, Mostly Typing and Often Remembering
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Monsoon Season, 2016

Metal Influence:

ELECTRIC WIZARD

"Return Trip"

Kneel Before The Altar Of A Meatless God!

Pretty sure it all started with a link.

It was a few years back, I had just left the life of a chef to work in a library and start a food site. Me being a lifelong fan of Metal music and also being a big time eater and lover of food, I'm pretty sure someone sent me a link via social media with the tagline: "Dude, you gotta check this guy out."

The link took me to a YouTube page dedicated to someone calling himself the Vegan Black Metal Chef. Okay. The Black Metal thing I was immediately down with as was the chef part...but "vegan"? It looked cool but I wasn't immediately sold.

So I clicked on a video where he was making Pad Thai. Sure. I mean, I was pretty convinced that this whole thing was a joke. Some guy in corpse paint, maiming food and then sacrificing it all to some slop altar all in the name of instant and brief internet fame.

But then...I kept watching.

After the initial bleating of his name over and over again in the sort of goblin squawk that some Black Metal vocalists strain, the video actually turned a respectable corner. Wearing chain mail and harsh vinyl gauntlets, the man in the makeup began to actually cook food. Brandishing a wicked blade you might see in a Dungeons and Dragons playbook and doing it all in candlelight, the Vegan Black Metal Chef took you from what ingredients you will need, what to do first, how to cook and assemble and all the while using non-animal products to do so. About halfway in I didn't even mind that he was cooking vegan. In fact, I really didn't notice. This guy knew what he was doing and I was an immediate fan.

His book, his tome, his offering unto the world

The best part was, the Vegan Black Metal Chef was funny. Keeping with the whole "Black Metal" motif, he tells you to "crush the s--t out of the peanuts" and "this is so much better than store bought because store bought sauce suuuuuuuucks!"

Not only was I learning, but I was laughing too, all the while getting my Metal fix in as blistering darkened music loomed in the background while his lesson goes subtitled seeing as he is near gargling the recipe to you in demon speak. When that video ended I instantly started another. Then another. Pretty soon I was a subscriber to his site, followed him on social media and began posting his newest videos on my own online pages.

And I'm not even a vegan. Far from it.

But I was hooked.

The man, the makeup, the lover of animals

A few months ago I got a message on social media: The Vegan Black Metal Chef was writing a cookbook and created a Kickstarter campaign to get it going. Oh, I may not have a ton of money, but this guy is going to get some of mine because I want that cookbook out on the shelves for everyone to savor. Vegan or not, the guy in the bat wing shoulder cloak knows what he is doing and I knew that his manual would envelop most run of the mill Food Network inspired cookbooks. Forget the boring old 'brunch ideas' and 'super simple supper' recipes you've bored over again and again, the Vegan Black Metal Chef is here to burn all that tripe down (well, not actual tripe, that would mean cruelty to a cow) and build a tasty fortress of gastro-ingenuity without the use of real cheese or meat.

I've seen it be done on YouTube, now I just need it bound and printed.

There was even an incentive to donate to his cause. If you gave a certain amount, not only would he get closer to publication and you get a copy of the book once it was published but he would mention you and promote your website as well. This, I thought, was too good to be true. Seeing as the Tucson Homeskillet was in the infancy of its rebirth at the time, we could use all the help we can get. Heck, we still can! So I gave what I could and waited...

Ingenious recipes, easy and animal free

Then one day I got an email. It was from the man himself. He received my donation and just needed the link to my website. So I sent him the address and not too long after he responded:

"Your website has an image of a piece of pizza that clearly has animal based product on it. Since I cannot condone the use of animal based ingredients, can you send me something else?"

So I sent the Vegan Black Metal Chef a few articles that could be deemed "vegan"; one was about a local beer house and the other was a local brewery. That's...what I had. Luckily those links seemed to satisfy the dark lord of the kitchen and on November 3rd 2015, myself and the Tucson Homeskillet got a nod from the wicked sorcerer de cuisine sans animale.

A couple of months later, a package arrived. In it was his cookbook.

Immediately I flipped through it and just as quick I knew this thing was amazing.

Breaking it down like the villages of the forlorn doomed to have their huts engulfed in flames

"The Seitanic Spellbook" (for those that might not know, seitan is pure wheat gluten that a lot of vegetarians and vegans use in the place of meat, it has a similar consistency to some lean proteins especially when cooked and seasoned correctly) is what you would expect from the magic realm of the Vegan Black Metal Chef. Right off from opening the blackened folio of heightened consciousness cuisine, there are skulls, fire, pentagrams and most importantly a mission statement.

The master invokes the conclave of what "traditional" plant based cooking is meant to be and smashes that notion like the brains of his enemies. He sticks tried and true to keeping as close to non-animal based components as possible but using his own experience and taste to elevate each dish. But just like his website and videos, the VBMC crushes the usual elitist and sometimes tasteless takes on what it means to eat and live vegan. This guy makes it fun. Like really fun.

And that is something the lifelong devotees and the curious onlookers of the vegan cabal need these days. 

I know I do.

Your unearthly trip across the globe

The book starts off with a breakdown of cuisine from around the world. Not too sure what they are dining on in Hell these days, but I am sure it might involve a lot of garlic and some Sriracha, which the chef here uses a good amount of.

Peppered among the glorious offerings of less than barbarous fare are essays and helpful hints to assist you in your ascent into a food coma oblivion. Such as, and I had no idea about this, there are "vegan" wines compared to other wines. Did you know this? We sure didn't.

Apparently some wines are filtered through bone marrow and fish parts....but why? Anyway, the good thing is that vegan wine is cheaper than those that invoke gelatin to make them sweeter or more palpable to the common tongue and for that we bow our heads before the enlightened deity and continue forth on our quest for real yummy vittles. 

Further uses of the components you already possess in your pantry of doom

You are taken on a journey from Euro-American, through Asia, South America, Indian cuisine, Italian and the Middle East. Each stop, much like the notion of this entire hell spawn of recipes and concepts, breaks down the "traditional" approach to each dish. The best thing is, the change is really quite simple. All you have to do is tweak a bit here and there, perhaps spend more time at Asian markets and co-ops to get you ingredients, but overall the switch really isn't that grotesque.

And this is coming from a Metalhead that eats whatever he wants. Honestly, "The Seitanic Spellbook" really makes me want to challenge myself and go vegan once in a while. I like vegetables. If it wasn't for the potato how would we get french fries and vodka? Think about it.

Perhaps you going vegan wouldn't be so rough if you follow the examples set in this book. I bet you can do it.

Let's see if you can.

Metal Mark's weakness, Indian cuisine, which is nearly vegan to begin with

Each section opens up to one initial recipe, folded between the two pages. On the left, you have the "Spell Reagents" (aka the ingredients), which are always stripped down and easy to obtain and follow. Next comes the play by play on cooking the dish all done with the vernacular that we have all come to love and fear from his online videos. Sure there's no Black Metal playing (um, this is a book yo), so you're going to have to supply that on your own.

Might I suggest some early Emperor, Mayhem, Dark Throne, Carpathian Forest and that Chris Gaines thing that Garth Brooks did trying to do some sort of switcharoo on us and all he did was don a black wig and flavor savor.

Oh, and you need to cook by candlelight. And with a dagger of eternal nightmares. And pepper.

Lots of pepper.

Scoop out the flesh of yon avocado of death

Intertwined in these works of gloom and deliciousness, are the Chef's advice on how to shop. Oh you think you can just waltz into any Piggly Wiggly, buy some non-meat item and then be all "Hey, looka me...I'm all vegan and crap!" No. You need to read the labels, you need to seriously give some thought into what you are putting in your cart and then putting in your mouth. Hidden in so many so called "vegetarian" products contain microbes of animal spleen or cricket dust. It happens and if you want to follow the doctrines of the Vegan Black Metal Chef you are going to have to change the way you shop.

All it takes is perhaps a course to a different food supplier, maybe sourcing from a local farmers market or not supporting the gratuitous big box gluttony that is slowly poisoning you with their labels of "organic" and "healthy". This scripture of evil benediction will guide you into the darkened light of a new consciousness with just the simple task of modifying a thing or two here and there.

Regardless, this book is just chock full of instructions on how to inventory your kitchen to create the best freakin' food you could possible conjure up to appease the wicked gods of the culinary underworld.

Did you know you can recreate the flavor of shrimp by using the Japanese Konjac root and a few spices?

Me either.

Apparently bacon is a state of mind, not just a fatty pork product

My favorite parts have to be the "Oracles of Inspiration" which are extensions of the meal plan and recipe you were just provided with and uses the components to further your excursion into the deep forest of flavor.

You have the vegan cheese and made black bean "cheese" burgers...now what? How about mac 'n cheese? A burrito? Lasagne maybe? He doesn't just proclaim "Go get me some green beans for this one dish!" and then leave you hanging. Using the index in the back, locate 'green beans' and pursue your way into the vortex of heavenly spite and yummy tummy scorn. There is no end to the concepts of eating vegan in this book and flavor is just the beginning.

Or the end. Bwahahahahaa!!!

You all have spiked bowls of infernal grimness I hope

Through it all, the Vegan Black Metal Chef arrives on occasion to inspire and be the torch down the long dungeon of uncertainty and possible fleeing. With that razor sharp wit and confidence, he has pages dedicated to knowing what the book's intentions are, what it means to live a cruelty free life and to be the best darn person you can be. All the while cursing, praising Satan and making you laugh the whole time.

This cookbook may not be for all people just due to the subject matter and the use of Black Metal and skulls to mach your guacamole, but no one can deny the care, thought and time it went into creating such a demonic reach of exquisite food and flavor. If you are looking for fancy vegan cuisine using only the dried berry emulsion from the rarest bloom found on the tallest mountain only cultivated by a secluded indigenous people for one week out of the year...you need to talk to you dietitian/yoga instructor named Chip because this guy uses onion powder and stuff you can purchase down the street. The idea of going vegan shouldn't be terrifying or really that hard. It should be about awareness and caring about how you live in this world and what you do as a part of it. That and eating some good stuff.


The only "terrifying" thing is his collection of battle weapons. I mean, how do you chop a leek with a double bladed axe? Not too sure, but the Vegan Black Metal Chef makes it look so easy.

And fun.

By the fires ov Hell, the food was delightful

"The Seitanic Spellbook" needs to be in the collection of any serious home cook looking for options, vegetarians and vegans needing a well needed push into safer territories and for Metal fans because this man does it right. It's smart, it inventive, it cracked me up and above all it made me super hungry. I look at cookbooks all the time and this one actually had me panting and drooling. Best part is, there isn't one animal ingredient in any dish and I'd like to see Bobby Flay pull that off. Plus I don't think he could pull off the corpse paint either. Or maybe he could. I'd like to see him try.

Blessings and curses to you Vegan Black Metal Chef. This scroll of savory darkness is one to cherish and keep bound forever in a sarcophagus buried deep in the forlorn wastelands of Nefelheim only to be procured by the summoning imps beyond the freezing damnation mist when their hunger becomes malevolent.

Or keep convenient on top of the fridge like I do.

Either way.

We of the Tucson fold know our tacos, and these are good tacos

You can visit the Vegan Black Metal Chef HERE

Watch his videos HERE

Eventually buy the book but for now get it for your Kindle HERE

Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
In the Permafrost of Late Winter, 2016

Metal Influence:

GORGOROTH

"Carving A Giant"

The Tucson Homeskillet Gift Giving Guide for Xmas 2015!

Welcome to the first annual Tucson Homeskillet Holiday Gift Giving Guide! It's 2015 and oh what a year it has been. We've had so much fun eating and drinking across Tucson and now it's time to settle in for Xmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzza, Festivus, etc etc which means even more eating and drinking...which is our favorite thing ever so, bring it. 

But, you know, we've grown quite weary of the same thing year after year. Presents we're talking about here. You always go to Amazon or whatever on Cyber Monday to get discounts on things nobody wants or watch in horror as greedy idiots who have been waiting all night in front of big box stores on Black Friday to get deals on stuff they don't need in the first place. Nor do the people they plan on giving those gifts for need or want as well. 

 Well dear readers, The Tucson Homeskillet is here to help!

Seeing as we like to keep things local, we thought it would be great to send out some unique ideas for gift giving this holiday season courtesy of two of our favorite supermarkets in Tucson. 

We are talking about the Asian persuasions themselves, Lee Lee and Grantstone Supermarkets, respectively. 

Having always been a big fan of these markets, we recently came across a plethora (you heard it right kids, a plethora!) of out of the ordinary gifts from those stores for those hard to shop for friends and family members. 

You ready? Here we go... 



Part 1: Lee Lee Oriental Supermarket

Our first stop is Lee Lee Supermarket (1991 W Orange Grove Rd.)

Having the Homeskillet home base be decidedly midtown Tucson, getting to Lee Lee is a bit of a trip, but what a worthwhile journey it is! This place has everything and I mean everything. Looking around the vast expanse of the store had me jotting down all kinds of ideas for presents this year, mainly for people I have no idea what to get in the first place. 

So if you follow our lead here you just might be inspired to wrap these, shall we say, "uncommon"?, gifts for those finicky or difficult to please members of your immediate present exchange holiday circle. 

1) For the person that wont settle for anything less

Aunt Maggie sure is tough. She only enjoys the "finer" things in life. Well these chestnuts without their shell should impress her only because they are the best. And, best of all, they are ready to eat! It says right there on the package: Best. Why would this product lie? I mean, look at the dude in full bar-be-que gear. He's stoked! He is eating the best roasted chestnuts. Like ever. But...it doesn't say 'grilled' or 'BBQ' so...what's he doing on the cover? Now I'm confused. 

Whatever. The best!

2) For the little entomologist

Lil' niece Gertrude sure does love butterflies don't she? She sure does. Always has. Heck, she even has her room decorated like the Botanical Gardens when they do their butterfly magic expo. Now you can crank her weird obsession up a few notches and have her actually eat the things she loves most. Aww, isn't it cute? Look at her, just gnawing away at various monarchs and swallowtails. 

The holidays are magic!   

3) For the bodybuilder in your life

Your neighbor Pete is always at the gym, always telling you how you need to "buff up" and "get hard" and "stop peeing in his bushes late at night". Oh Pete. Well, now you have the perfect gift for him; some squid that is just as shredded as he is. This aint no girly man snack we're talking about here, no sir. This stuff is only for the ripped and the swole. And it's spicy too! This is a man's man kind of gift that will keep on giving even if he keeps stealing your mail that's wrapped in anonymous brown wrapping. 

Don't you just hate neighbor Pete? 

Salud! 

4) For the "going through puberty" kid

Your cousin Virgil just turned 13 and 'things' are starting to happen to him. His voice is changing, strange urges abound and hair is starting to grow where once was smoothness. This fuzzy squash is a sure fire hit letting him know that you too went through "the change" and that everything will be alright. Unless of course he starts getting real zitty, then he's toast. 

Oh, he is a bit spotty. Well, maybe he'll grow tall and play basketball. Let's go with that.  

5) For the indecisive person on your gift list

Let's face it, your sister Myrna can be quite the pain in the patootie sometimes. First she wants fish then she wants steak, first its "Oh Tom Hardy is the sexiest man ever" then it's "I think that kid that played Steve Urkel is hot", and on and on. Just can't make up her mind can she? Well with these salted duck parts she gets all kinds of fun variety and will never have the same bite twice. Was that a leg? Probably. A breast? Maybe. An anus and duck bill? Whee!

The adventures will never stop this Xmas because Myrna will always have to keep guessing what the heck she just chewed and swallowed. She loves you! 

6) For the "adventurous" type

Here are the facts: Durian fruit has the consistency of snot curd, smells like Pete's gym locker and tastes as if an onion couple just gave birth to a fart. So when "Wild Will", your globe trotting and totally lame second cousin arrives for the holidays, hand him a gift wrapped spiky yellow ball of spite and tell him that it came from some indigenous tribal tree just outside of (Make Up Fake Country Here) and that only the most virile men can eat it. Then sit back and watch the magic. Watching that insufferable Will eat a durian fruit and pretend to enjoy it makes the holiday season even more tolerable. That'll keep him locked and silent in the lavatory for a while.

God bless us, everyone. 

7) Part two for the puberty kid

Virgil sure has a lot of questions, especially when it comes to girls. Well, since you're not his mom or dad (thank Jeebus for that) hand him a bag of these steamed bananas and watch his eyes glow with curiosity and slight arousal. Then pat him on the back, nod your head and say, "You were asking about girls, right? Yeah. It's...kind of like that."

Oh the enchantment.  

8) For that annoying juggler boyfriend


Look, your little sister is going through a phase. She met Kyle (ugh...) at Burning Man and now they are a "thing". He wears Teva sandals with socks and is all bummed that his hacky sack fell down the gutter. To make things worse, Kyle likes to juggle...down by the beach. Well to show your support of his, uh, talent, give him some fresh items to impress the crowds (okay, that one weird guy who wears a tube sock around his head like a bandana who cheers him on now and then is usually his "crowd") such as these fish heads. Yessir the eyes will be a poppin' much like the recently decapitated here. Can you smell that? That's the scent of joy coming off of Kyle as your sister just looks up at him and thinks, 'This guy is lame. I'm sure there will be cute guys at Coachella.'

And Kyle isn't even that cute! Oh the blessings!

9) For the, shall we say, "questionable" one you know

Here's a cleaver little gift (see what I did there?) for that one person you know would just LOVE to handle and operate a full on slasher movie weapon. That's right, found on aisle 5, next to the tea kettles and embellished cats waving their right paw for eternity, I found just the perfect item for that exceptionally quiet kid or uncle with the "exotic hobbies" or even that jacked up nephew that calls himself a Juggalo and goes "whoop whoop" everytime he walks into a room. This handy dandy present is one that those, uh, "special" people in our lives will treasure forever. Or until their parole hearing.

Whichever comes first.  Glad tidings!

10) For the aging ska punk enthusiast

Fishbone the band was a seminal product of music stylings combining ska, punk, funk, rock and soul. This gift for your buddy Terry "Two Tone" will delight and send strange flashbacks from 1980's bathroom stalls where Terry and his rude boy pals were all gathered together snorting glue and doing shots of warm Rumple Minze stolen from his granddad's liquor shed before the band took stage. Once they did, the skanking took over and Terry got the spins real bad and before you know it he threw up on frontman Angelo Moore, then known as Dr. Madd Vibe, who whacked Terry with his saxophone sending him to the hospital but couldn't afford the care so he snuck out and slept in an old dumpster still wet from the rain and made good friends with a dead racoon he named Danzig.

Terry will call you Santa Clause for years to come! 

11) For the self satisfying hybrid car driver

Oh goody, here come Carol and Sebastian, those "hippie" relatives of yours that rake in more than 100k a year and still insist they live off the grid somewhere in Berkley. Because of their constant, constant, chatter about the wonders of their hybrid automobiles, you just went ahead and took it a full rung higher. The parrot fish has the flavor of a mackerel yet possesses the ability to talk non-stop about nothing...just like them! It's perfect for when they entertain Birkenstock wearing clones of their ilk with balding ponytails and personal yoga instructors named Selene, going on about "sustainability" and how this fish was caught wild by the hands of a Native American wearing only mud and the light of the sun god.

Sure. That and I just farted in your Chevy Volt.  Christmas miracles abound!

12) For the average Joe on your list

"Hey, thanks for the present."
"How'd you like it?"
"It's good."
"That's it?"
"Yeah. It was good."
"I thought it was special."
"I dunno. It's good though."
"Okay. So how are things?"
 "They're good."
"And the kids?"
"Good."
"Job?"
"Good."
"Great. Say, I'm going to go drink turpentine now. Will you excuse me?"
"That's good." 

13) For the slave to the routine

Everyday aunt Fernelda gets up she does exactly 10 leg squats and 10 arms lifts. Then she has oatmeal with exactly half a shaker of Splenda. Then she watches the news, her judge shows and The Price Is Right before going and doing her shopping.  When she comes back, she naps, plays bridge with the girls, eats dinner, plays Grand Theft Auto 5 with a 40oz of King Cobra and goes to bed. That's what she does. 

Now it's time to add some color to her palate. Something she can do on a, oh...regular basis. Something...often. You know what I'm trying to say here right? She needs something that she can rely on...on a...um...usual time slot?

Oh, it'll come to me. I've been drinking spiked eggnog since Tuesday.  Cheers!

14) For the wise one of the family

Hey, you are one third there buddy. All you need now is some balm and a precious metal. Wouldn't be Christmas without it. Because, you know, little babies need an aromatic resin to go with the gold and myrrh that those dudes brought. Am I right? 

Welp...see you in hell! 

15) For the calorie counter you may know

Those folks you know that are constantly dieting? Here's just the thing.

What is it? I don't know! But, hey....zero calories!

 Do the wonders of the holidays ever cease?

16) For the diet fad anarchist

First of all, no, you are not gluten intolerant. .01% of people actually have Celiac Disease which is what the whole gluten free revolution was based off of. But a bloaty tummy when you eat a sandwich doesn't mean you immediately have a gluten allergy, it just means you ate a sandwich that disagreed with you and take a Tums. 

This gift here is a big middle finger to that whole multi-million dollar fear industry and for that the lil elves that made this in their workshop are giggling knowing your brother's fiance, Judith (ugh), will just shriek with disgust knowing this is even in the same house as her. Because, you know, she reminds eveyone about every fifteen minutes how she is gluten free and has been for the last month or so.

By the way Judith, that 7th glass of wine you just downed sure as heck isn't gluten free and you sure seem to be having a great time. 

Oh, Judith is talking about the economy now. Time to make snow angels!

17) For the up and coming marketing exec

So little Erma wants to go into product marketing does she? Isn't that just precious. Well here is something you can learn from Erma. 

Just take a look. That's right. Now what do you see?

Black slat? What's black slat? There's no such thing as black slat. You know why?

Because it's supposed to be black SALT. You had one job translator typesetter guy. One job. And you blew it. 

 At just 10 years old, Erma is now running things at Laxmi Brand. She moved to Flushing and is doing just fine. 

Oh the weather outside is frightful... 

18) For your friend Miguel/Miguelita

Well, here you go. Merry Christmas. Huh? What is it? Um, I'm not really sure. But apparently it's a blend you might enjoy. And it's been trusted for about 70 years....so. Yeah. Oh hey, can I get that hammer back that you borrowed, like, oh...a few months ago. Kinda. Need. It. Yeah, the one with the red handle. Thanks. 

 Feliz Navidad!

19) For Metal Mark

Remember when I ordered Kewpie mayo special from Japan and the shipping and handling cost three times the amount of a tube of the stuff? Yeah. It's just sitting on the shelves at Lee Lee. 

For all my smarts, oh man am I dumb... 

Part 2: Grantstone Supermarket

Where Lee Lee sits in a comfy if not bland area of town surrounded by a gas station and various strip mall restaurants, Grantstone (8 W. Grant Rd) rests in a rather questionable location with visitors of all creed, mainly those jabbering nonsense as they hustle by in a fume of longtime crazy wearing bags on their heads. Once you get past the ramshackle and noise, you are treated to a wondrous expanse of variety from all across the globe. 

This is why Grantstone should be your one stop shopping mecca for all the hard to shop for folks that just seem to enjoy re-gifting that special item you found last minute at Walgreens, drunk after that holiday party. There will be no re-gifting here my friends. Oh no. Mainly because the items here are still wriggling around. That and there's a strict no return policy. 

Let's go!



20) *please see #19

It comes in gallons here? BLERG!!! 

21) For the eternal optomist

Uncle Hank is always in a good mood, he always has something good to say. Why is this? Because he is slowly dying inside. Three divorces, on his second mortgage and his dream of being a famous puppeteer came crashing down when he discovered booze and blow in the late 80s. So to keep from completely imploding, Hank is always whistling a jaunty tune (ugh...whistlers), always looks on the bright side of life and habitually keeps his flask nice and full. 

This holiday season, give him a happy promise he can keep all through the winter, because, honestly, he's gonna need it. Because that isn't chocolate mister.

 Joy to the world!

22) For that one person that still watches "Duck Dynasty"

You know the TV show. A bunch of camo wearing beardos from the swamp lands of nether-America struck it rich making duck calls and now they are famous and like to say racist things publicly whenever they get the chance. 

Like ducks do ya? Well have you tried duck balut? No? Wait....you don't even know what it is? Well then, you are in for a Xmas treat! Nothing says "Ho Ho Ho!" than chomping down on a partially developed duck embryo, boiled and eaten raw in the shell. Yum yum. I'll have seconds please. Pass it around, don't think grandma has had any balut yet. Good thing you have those beards because finding secret sprinkles of half eaten bird embryo in them later is like having angels bless you with happy stardust. 

 Merry, merry to all!

23) For the glutton on the list

Like chicken? Like soup? Like chicken soup? Like to eat a whole lot as well? 

Dig in! You just combined all of Esther's and "Big" Jerry's favorite things in one single bowl. You are their favorite now. Unfortunately Esther likes to give you kisses, especially after she has eaten most of the fruitcake (yes....Esther actually eats the fruitcake, yes even the old ones from like 10 years ago) so be prepared. 

 Glory be!

24) For that hard to shop for stoner

Know someone that likes to get mad turnt whenever possible? This "special" curry powder will turn any dish into a trip down the blazin' trails of the high country. 

Think that's a chicken he's smoking? Wait...is it? Dude, it totally looks like a chicken...or a bird of some kind. Isn't that weird? Oh man, I am so wasted. 

Happy...uh...um...what was I saying?

25) For that bowler dad of yours

Admit it, dad's bowling game has been off since...ever. He thinks when he breaks 100 he can make the pro circuit. Your dad also likes to smell gas when he's pumping it down at the Circle K. 

Let him know that it's time to move on. Fill his ball bag with something useful...like this octopus. It's round, it's kinda heavy and, best of all, it tastes delicious on crackers! What crappy blowing ball can say that? They can't! It's a ball. At least an octopus can look back at you when you're trying to get the golden turkey. But the suckers on the tentacles will prevent him from even getting halfway down the lane, so...there's that.  

Yuletide!

26) For the Black Metal fan in your fam

Ellie is just Goth and likes to be somber and wear black while shopping at Hot Topic. But Megan, MEGAN!, is into the real deal, she loves Black Metal. All over the walls of her bedroom are posters for Dark Throne, Mayhem, Gorgoroth and the like. Let her know that you oh so approve by getting her something she can really use:

Pork blood. 

Sure, wearing corpse paint makeup out in the open is cool and gets some looks, but imagine Megan just drenched in real pigs blood when she boards the bus to school. Heck, she just might be the new lead singer for Emperor just on principal alone!  Hallelujah! 

 I mean...hail Satan!

27) *see number 24

28) For the Hollywood gossip type

Someone on your list that can't get enough TMZ, or reads the National Enquirer religiously or thinks the Kardashian's are America's first family? Nothing says "hungry for more celebrity gossip" than actually being able to ingest your favorite worthless pastime. 

When you say "Megan Fox is so hot I could just eat her up!", open a can of Celebrity Luncheon Meat and pretend to do just that! It's also best to just keep some of this handy while you binge on a "Real Housewives of...whatever" marathon. Isn't that crazy ho a dish?

Now she is!

 Mangia!

29) For that random Tracy Ullman fan

Remember Tracy Ullman? Yeah, so does Rick. He loves her. Always has. Can't stop reminding people that The Simpson's got their start on her show. 

Now he can wear her on his...wait. That looks nothing like Tracy Ullman. Does it? No. Well...

 Eh. Rick huffs gold paint. He'll never know the difference. 

Huzzah!

30) For that 'in constant danger' person

Tilly always thinks she is being followed. She's not. She lives in a small New England township where everyone knows the business of everyone, unfortunately all she does is watch crime shows and Fox News when she's not conspiracy theorizing. But, apparently, there is always a lurking marauder skulking in the bushes ready to strike. 

To ease her paranoia just give her a big bin of mace. She'll love it. When that invisible masher comes a knockin', all she has to do is grab a handful of this stuff and toss it in his face. That'll show 'em. 

Either that or she can make a mess of donuts for you so, really, it's the gift that keeps on giving.  
Oh the glory!

31) Finally for the person that has everything, except...

Know someone that drives nice car, has a great job, money in the bank, lots of hip, sexy people always hanging on them, houses in Milan, New York and Paris, but is just sick and tired of being called "Hey You"?

Then look no further. 

At Grantstone they can get the one thing that has eluded them their whole life. You will be their Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzza miracle with this gift. And when you present them with it, all you have to say is: "Now you really do have it all."

Then they might fall into a deep pit of despair knowing there is nowhere else to go and drive that Lamborghini off a cliff. So there's that. Good luck!

 Oh rapture!

Hope this list helps!

Happy Holidays from Metal Mark and the Tucson Homeskillet!



Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Early December, 2015

Metal Influence (well...punk really)

LIP CREAM