"Wait...That Tiki Bar On Broadway Serves Food! Really? I Didn't Know That."

You probably haven't been here since college. But...you know this place.

Kon Tiki.

Yeah, that Polynesian themed island getaway bar that serves up some serious drinks in kitchy goblets and steins up on Broadway and Swan. You know, Kon Tiki. Remember? You 'member.

In college you most likely came here because the drinks were huge and strong and they had a happy hour that dished out some free grub. You were young, you were broke, you wanted to get faced so this was the place you probably ended up in.

Right?

Probably.

The free happy hour buffet...um, thanks but no thanks, although the meatballs were good

But now you're all grown up and you haven't been back since you graduated. You have a real adult job, you drink real adult drinks, you eat at real adult places with white linen set tables or tolerate locations that have jungle gyms and Whack-A-Moles for your kids to play with as you talk about adult things with your adult friends as you sip those adult drinks.

Why should you go back to Kon Tiki after all these years? That's, like...college era you. Right?

So why a feature on Kon Tiki, a bar most Tucson residents have been to at least once, be it voluntarily or talked into by ne'er-do-well roommates?

Uh...because of the food, dude. It's good.

Real good.

Real adults drinking, um...well they're drinking all right

Honestly, we kind of forgot about Kon Tiki too and the fact that they actually served food there. No, seriously.

A few years back, when the Homeskillet was just a once in a while / if we felt like posting 'blog lite', we did a feature on Kon Tiki as part of a short lived series where we buy a Groupon for random places, eat there and talk about it. We did like one or two, maybe three, Groupon article things then just moved on, or forgot about doing it all together. Anyway, even back then we were all "Oh yeah, the food here is great."

So you're probably reading this going, "C'mon, the food can't be that good. Kon Tiki?  It's a weird drunky bar and that buffet kind of sucks. Even if it is free."

Work with us here people.

Monkeys On A Stick, a classic and oh so tasty

True. The gratis fare isn't the subject here. That happy hour buffet is just free vittles for folks that need a bit of a buffer when it comes to quaffing much of their hell grog and it's cool that they do it in the first place. Its just chips, veggies, some dip...stuff like that. But they do put out some of their BBQ meatballs and those are pretty tight. Honestly its just some bits of bites, cheap as free, to keep you going and that's that.

No, you gotta order off the real food menu here kids. Trust us.

Okay, look...check this out.

Hawaiian fish tacos...just like the god Tangaroa used to make

If you can recall Homeskilleteers, a few weeks back we ended up eating the self-proclaimed "Best Burger and Burrito in Tucson"...and they sucked. So bad in fact that we needed booze immediately. Just a few blocks up was Kon Tiki, so we got ourselves a large vessel filled with all of the alcohol and some well needed tasty food.

"Oh wow," we all sort of said as we bit into our nibbles. "The food here is good. Maybe we should write about it."

Um...okay.

And here we go!

The Loko Moko, a delicious burger with an egg on it...so tropical!

So in true Tucson Homeskillet fashion we gathered up some of our closest and bravest friends and decided to order, oh, one of each from the menu.

Both the drink and food menu. C'mon, what else would you expect?

Anyway, here are the results:

JB looking concerned as Rizz slurps down another sacrificial mind drink

First, yeah, the drinks were really strong, as expected. Probably just as strong as when Kon Tiki first opened in the '60s and when you used to come here with a fake I.D. once finals were over with.

We got something called the Pele, named after the pissed off goddess of volcanoes and, boy howdy, did that thing live up to its name. Fiery, powerful and sort of lava like as it went down the gullet. Another called the 'Greenpeace' which felt like washing down a fine lawn mulch but with a distinct fruity alcohol kick to the cajones. Then there was the Fog Cutter, something called Lights Out, the Creepy Tiki, Maiden's Downfall and so forth, all of which did not list ingredients (which is probably for the best) but instead came equipped with brief descriptions of just how you might feel after you finish one:

"If strength you need, drink and it shall be granted!"

"Virgins beware!"

"The original drink was intended for a sacred ceremony until some white man found the recipe!"

Stuff like that. You get the picture.

Moa Nui chicken in coconut sauce...amazing

The crew was getting a bit tipsy but then the plethora of food arrived.

The ton of appetizers was daunting, but oh so delicious. The egg rolls were deep fried yet filled with a garden of vegetables and served with a mighty teriyaki and a sweet and sour sauce so there was a fun balance between decadent and sort of, kind of, "healthy". The BBQ ribs were hearty and sticky and fall off the bone tender. We got our pot stickers steamed which counter balanced the amount of weighty fare that was spread before us. Really good, stuffed full of savory pork with a good chew to the dumpling casing.

Then, of course, there was the classic: The Monkeys on a Stick. Tender, marinated bites of perfectly cooked medium rare steak served mini kebab style. This is essentially what saved us after eating crap food just a few blocks away. Accompanied with a stout viscid dipping sauce this dish is what you need on a daily basis.

So good.

Angry volcano deity sized pile o' rings

As people were queuing up for the free fare at the buffet, we were getting looks from all sorts; bug eyed at the amount of food we had on the table.

"Wait, they serve food here?", I overheard a portly guy ask his doppelganger wife as they glooped ranch dressing on mini carrots and ruffly potato chips atop their drooping paper plates.

Well, we hate to say it buffet jockeys, but you are officially eating food here, so, yes, they do serve "food". But if you mean like burgers, steaks, ribs, shrimp and lobster tails? Yes. Yes, Kon Tiki serves food.

And not just any kind of food, really tasty food with a distinct tropical influence.

So what are you waiting for? Do what we did and dive in!

Possibly some of the best egg rolls in town

The Loko Moko is a half pound burger of good ground beef, seasoned and cooked to order with a nice runny egg on top; it was really hefty, juicy and delicious.

There was also an order of fantastic fish tacos that were tangy and flaky with a crisp slaw and finished with a spicy aioli drizzled over. The house club sandwich could feed about three people but one of us took it down in no time flat. Piled high and served with piping hot fries, this one made us want to join whatever club they had going on, one where we would look like that Israel Kamakawiwo'ole guy in no time flat if we kept eating the way we were.

In fact, all of the plates were generous and all of it really yummy.

No really.

Jana happy/nervous about the size of her chef salad

More drinks, more food, more weird looks from bar patrons.

There was ten of us, but the feast on our tables mashed together looked as if we were on some sort of medieval gorge feast, one that would encourage many trips to the vomitorium so we can continue with the eat-a-thon.

"What did you order?"

"Oh, this is the Moa Nui."

"What's that?"

"It's, uh, a big chicken breast served with this amazing coconut sauce with a side of perfectly cooked rice and a ton of seasoned grilled vegetables."

"Good?"

*not responding because of shoveling more food in face*

The Tucson Homeskillet eating all of the foods

Alright, here is where we have to give some kind of critique.

Our server was amazing, but she was the only one on the floor so sometimes our orders took a bit longer than expected. Big whoop, it happens.

But here's the clincher:

Kon Tiki does not have a modern computer POS ticket service, something that like 90% of busy establishments utilize because, oh, we don't know, it's the 21st century and efficiency is as easy as pushing a few buttons. Sure it might cost a few extra (thousand) dollars but in the end it is so worth it. Our poor but awesome server had to divvy up the five separate checks BY HAND, doing the math, tax and all that using her brain and a small calculator, all the while juggling other demanding tables. So, yeah, we had to wait a while for the bills to arrive seeing as the place was jumping but not totally full and chaotic...enough to keep her very busy let's just say. It wasn't a big problem with us because we ordered more drinks straight from the bar and we were happy to do so, but if this was a table of people that didn't know how hard it is to be a server in a busy restaurant or empathize with a young person, probably in their like first or second job, ever, doing all they can to make things right, it could have gotten ugly.

So, Kon Tiki, this is the Tucson Homeskillet advising you to get a POS system for your servers. It'll make it easier on them, on you in the long run and you'll thank us and your patrons will thank you because of this.

You're welcome.

Metal Mark just had to get in on Jack and Chili's third Scorpion Bowl

Other than that, yes...Kon Tiki serves food. Not just bobbles of celery and broken pretzel fingers on the buffet table, but real authentic and fantastic food.

When you were going to the U of A you probably ate nothing but ramen or crap corporate pizza when you scored a coupon from the bookstore and, at the time, couldn't afford the "adult" prices from the Kon Tiki menu. Not that we're saying Kon Tiki is pricey, oh no, not even close, but when you are 19 with nothing but loose change in your pocket and school debt piling up, a $12 steak might as well be a Bugatti sports car. Thing is, you can't eat a Bugatti sports car. So...where's the fun in that?

Yeah. We don't know either.

Now you know, you gotta go

Now that you are all grow'd up and adulting like a mofo, you should go back to ye olde stomping grounds of Kon Tiki, get yourself a proper drink and order up some really grand food. It's fun, it's local, it's kind of a Tucson tradition and most importantly it's really scrumptious.

Unless you're still in college and are broke as all living heck so you just might have to wait a while. If you ask us we suggest dropping out of school, selling all of your text books and then just blowing it all on a drink and food fest at Kon Tiki. If you do decide to do this, just call us up and we'll show you how its done.

Just kidding. Stay in school kids.

Forget that. Have you had the Mahi-Mahi here? Oh my gosh, so good.

Whatever. You're an adult, you make the decision. But if we were you, we'd just eat Monkey Sticks all day and drink Zombies till we start walking like one. That, of course, is up to you.

Uh huh. Just what we thought.

See you here...

Thanks Kon Tiki!

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
At the Summer Solstice, 2016

Metal Influence: 

GRUESOME

"Savage Land"

Spring Is In The Air...And So Are The Sounds Of Sneezing!

Well kids, it is that time of the year again: Springtime. Where the weather is beautiful, the flowers and vegetables are growing and blooming, occasional rains help keep things cool and hydrated, picnics are to be had, folks are out hiking the hills, easy gusts keep kites in the air while at the same time everyone is also just slightly miserable.

Why you may ask?

Because of allergies.

Pollen levels are really high during this section of the calendar, for obvious reasons, and those that are susceptible to its effects suffer like no other during the post winter/pre-summer months. Ragweed is a big cause of the wheezing and sneezing here in Tucson, along with olive trees dropping their little yellow balls of spite or the Palo Verde trees spreading the love in the temperate afternoon breezes. Just out for a lazy lunch on a patio recently, we were in the middle of a nose blow fest, watching people plop eye drops in instead of enjoying their food; trying to ease the effects of the high levels of dander while their calamari appetizer goes cold and soggy.

Since moving from California ten years ago I have been quite fortunate to find that my allergies have almost subsided. Turns out I was really allergic to the pine tree pollen that blew out of their spores in late winter back in the Central and Northern territory of the golden state. Not a lot of pine trees here in Tucson. So as my friends and co-workers hack and drip in the Spring, I only seem to have a itchy "red eye day" here and there or I might sneeze when I'm sweeping up the patio of all the mesquite tree debris.

So why am I not as unfortunate as those who seem to fall under the grim spell of the hay fever attack this time of year?

Turns out, it happens to be the majority of what I eat on a regular basis.

As the teeming and itchy masses grab the Flonase and Claratin, my intake of yogurt, berries and almonds has been beneficial to my success of avoiding most of the cruel consequences that this time of year bestows upon most. Now, I'm not bragging or trying to sound like I'm above taking allergy medicine or anything like that, but after doing some research on what types of foods can actually inhibit or at least slowly build up a tolerance to the harsh reality of seasonal allergies, I found that my diet is pretty rich with the top rectifiers of springtime afflictions.

Now I didn't include honey in this list of foods that help prevent allergies. Honey is a popular home remedy based on the idea of something called immunotherapy and the notion that if you ingest pollen the allergic reaction to it will subside. Kind of like in "The Princess Bride" where Wesley/ Dread Pirate Roberts develops an immunity to iocane powder by slowly ingesting it over the years and bests the Sicilian in a battle of wits. But honey doesn't work. Sorry. Different kind of pollen all together.

But here are the top 6 foods which I found that will, or at least hopefully should, benefit you when it feels as if Mother Nature just blew sneezing powder up your nose and stinging pepper flakes in your eyes.

Note: None of the foods listed here should be considered cures. No, eating apples everyday will not cure you of your allergies. But it will help.

Check it out...

Fatty Fish

Now I don't eat or cook a lot of salmon...but I do eat a lot of sushi. 

Good fatty fish rich with Omega-3 acids can reduce inflammation that comes with hay fever. Studies over in Japan, a country that consumes a lot of fish, found that people that ate two or more servings of fish a week had a far lower chance of succumbing to seasonal allergies. So don't be afraid to pile on the tuna and mackerel when you feel like grilling or going out to eat because it may just help you with the spring fever blues. 

Trout is really packed with the good fatty acids, so we suggest heading over to Robert's Restaurant for their grilled trout plate. 

And for all your fresh fish needs, we have always loved the care and selection at Rincon Market. 

But keep your preparation simple because you want all of the properties from the fish to help with your allergy inflammation. Soaking a good piece of Bluefin Tuna in soy sauce and oil kind of defeats the point. 

Onions and Garlic

Say it with me: Quercetin.

"Hey! What did you just call me?"

No. That's the main property in onions and garlic that help stabilize the amount of cells reacting to the allergen. Basically these standard (or at least they should be) pantry staples act as an antihistamine. When you cut open that onion and start leaking from the eyes, it's that character that is doing the most good. It can increase the health of your lungs which fall under attack in a a severe allergy onslaught. 

And garlic of course is just the cure-all. In fact, garlic was used to ward off the plague in the 1300s, so if it's good enough to stop limbs from falling off, it should be okay to help with the sniffles when spring dust wafts through the air. Both garlic and onions increase the immune system and in times of congestion crisis you're going to need that. And broccoli. Broccoli has all kinds of quercetin happening so include more of this awesome member of the brassica family too in your diet.

Now say this with me: Bioflavinoids.

"Like the movie with Jaden Smith?"

Uh...no. That's just another name for foods rich in quercetin. Other helpers in this group include apples, green tea and red wine. So eat up and drink up and help boost your allergy resistance. 

For onions and garlic we abide by the awesome folks over at Sleeping Frog Farms. They can be found in farmer's markets, most notably at Rillito Park and St. Phillips Plaza on Sundays. 

Just remember, the stronger the smell from the onion or garlic, the better. Now get crying and get better!

Magnesium Rich Foods

Ah potatoes...is there nothing they can't do?

We're not talking about curly fries at the drive thru. Heavy seasoning and deep frying just takes out all of the good stuff those starchy buddies provide. Thing is, potatoes are just the starting point to get you eating foods packed with magnesium. Magnesium is a bronchodilator, essentially another form of natural antihistamine, so all of the foods pictured above (and a whole lot more) can help. It also acts as a muscle relaxer which can calm the nasal tubes and whole body as well. 

Basically (and I love saying this) just eat a lot of nuts!

Go nuts on nuts such as almonds, cashews, pumpkin seeds, flaxseed and pecans. Don't forget dark leafy greens, kale, wheat bran and kelp too. Yes, kelp. You're going to thank me later when your nose is all plugged up and your throat feels like you just swallowed sawdust. 

For all of your magnesium loaded foods, you need to head over to the Food Conspiracy Co-Op and stock up before the aches and pains of a crappy allergy attack set in.

You're welcome.

Fruits Heavy in Vitamin-C

Good thing spring brings a crop of all the super stuff you need to eat to fight off the microscopic baddies that infest your face. Unfortunately a lot of the foods you need to eat actually provide their own pollen so eating something that is also making you feel like garbage is sort of an act of revenge. Don't you think?

I mean, you should be eating fruits brimming with vitamin C anyway. If you're not, you may be more apt to give into the evil impulses of microbe jerks that wanna ruin your perfectly beautiful springtime afternoon. When you're packing for that picnic, be sure to toss in a good grip of kiwi fruit, some fresh grapefruit, natural lemonade, strawberries and, of course, more apples. The polyphenols in these foods can suppress the symptoms of allergic rhinitis. 

Meaning: You won't be all blecchy. 

If you happen to be in mid-town Tucson, stop by Aqua Vita Natural Foods and get your vitamin C seriously on. And if you don't suffer from hay fever or seasonal allergies and just have a grip of fruit, we suggest infusing that mess in some clear alcohol and have a fresh fruit gettin' you all drunk 'n stuff kind of party. Yee haw!

But seriously...eat fruit responsibly.  

Yogurt & Kafir

Here is where bugs can help you out.

Seriously. The cultures in good yogurt and kafir have something in them called Lactobacillus Casei, which are an essential part in the fermentation process. You need these bugs. Oh yes. These bugs will help get the, uh...bugs out of your system. Beneficial bacteria assists in the swiping away of those sniffles, runny noses and sneezing that seem to be the mainstay of a good allergy attack. 

Yogurt and kafir are also really good for your digestive system which in turn makes your immune system that much more effective. So slap some fresh yogurt on your cereal or granola, dip the fruits we were just talking about in a bowl of the stuff and be sure to slurp down a good kafir yogurt probiotic smoothie when you get the chance. The stuff is crazy delicious and will only benefit you in the long run. 

Honestly you can get good yogurt and kafir almost anywhere, but we're not here to promote the big boys, so we suggest checking out any of the New Life Health Centers and starting eating and drinking those sinus infections away. 

 Bug off allergies!

Spices

Now we're talking.

One reason I don't really suffer from allergies is because I eat a lot of spicy foods. We are talking sinus clearing dishes embellished with heat and flavor that seem to stave off the crapiness that gets in your nose and throat this time of year. Think Indian, Thai, Korean and, duh, Mexican.

Turmeric. The stuff that gives curry its bright yellow color is another paladin in the fight against inflammation. It's not only savory and enticing but it also breaks up congestion. And did I mention it allows the blood and oxygen to flow more effectively through the body? Now I did. 

You need this essential spice to help your allergies. Make sure to also throw in some mustard seeds, anise, fennel, ginger, cinnamon and cayenne. Honestly, any spice that tickles and burns your nose a bit will be beneficial with your wheezing and sneezing. 

Basically, you need to smoke out the pollen. 

Next to Aqua Vita, you can pick up some essential spices at Caravan Market, or get some good spicy food and bulk spice at Jasmine and for all of your Indian spice needs, check out India Dukaan then head across the street to India Oven for a big plate of curry spice goodness. 

Feel the burn gentle reader, not the flerm.

We really hope this helps because it sure has been helpful for us. Like we said, these are just supplements that can ease the swell and odium of the springtime allergy haze. If you have serious symptoms then it's time to take the real medicine and just enjoy the flavors of all the stuff we have listed above. But really, these foods really do the job. 

For the most part. Just eat 'em and see for yourself. 

 Here's to being sneeze free!

Good luck and enjoy the amazing weather by getting out there...

Research, Uploads and Typing

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

Springtime 2016

Metal Influence:

PROBOT

"Silent Spring"