"A Dumpster Fire Wrapped in a Tortilla"

"Did you hear that Gene Wilder died?"

"What? No. Crap. Man, he was amazing. What memories. 'Young Frankenstein'. 'Willie Wonka'. 'The Producers'. 'Stir Crazy'. 'Blazing...'"

"You know what? They now make a Whopper as a burrito."

Brief silence

"Well I guess we can't grieve forever..." 

For God's sake!

(What you are about to read are the strained notes and recordings of a very harrowing 24 hours. This is all part of the Tucson Homeskillet eating a fast food mega-conglomerate's version of one of their signature beefy sandwiches turned "Mexican". Yes. Spiced burger meat with lettuce, pickles, onions and some kind of cheese drool wrapped in a gummy tortilla and served up for like $3 or something. We lost count of the cash. Because we have none. We lost count of the amount of drippy tube woe we ordered. Because we went a little insane. Please read with caution because things kind of got ugly. And greasy. And somehow nearly got one of us deported.

But for those brave enough, please enjoy and endure our descent into a flame grilled, made with 100% beef hallucination. One that can only be described as: 'Iffy'.

Now sit back, relax and pray for those that barely made it out without the aid of Zantac and a priest.

We give you...The Whopperrito!)

As big as Chili's head...and that's a big head

Taking the Whopperritos out of the bag

"These things are kinda big."

"Yeah. Kinda heavy too."

"How much were they?"

"I dunno. Four bucks or something. Each."

Unwrapping them, staring at them for a moment

"We live in Tucson. Is this some kind of sacrilege?'

"It totally is."

"I'm a little scared."

"Me too buddy. Me too..."

No going back now

Taking bites, contemplating, examining, nervously adjusting in our seats, grimacing

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"Tastes like a dumpster fire wrapped in a tortilla."

"Yep. Sorta like a Wilford Brimley pap smear."

"I get the Whopper thing but...that aint burger meat. No idea what that is."

"Is this...'cheese'?"

"Could be. Like hockey nacho squeeze gone seriously rogue. Good thing it comes with a salsa."

"Is that what that is?"

"Is it?"

 "Are we, you know, gonna be....okay?"

Long pause

"I doubt it."

*heavy sighs* 

Unholy creation...be gone!

"Well...what do we do now?"

"We wait."

10 seconds later

"I feel....funky."

"Things are not going our way I'm afraid."

"I can smell...shapes."

"Absolutely. Like Selena Gomez is crawling up my leg right now. I think she...wants something."

"Too late now. Better cave in to her demands. It's for the best you know."

"I think she wants some sort of Satanic ritualistic sacrifice. Is that...true?"

"Dunno. You wanna play darts?"

"Is that legal?"

*Best Emperor Palpatine impression*

"I will make it legal!"

Some darts to lighten our darkening moods

"What possessed them to make the Whopperrito in the first place?"

"Not too sure. Same goes for Mount Rushmore. Nothing like desecrating sacred land with honky propaganda. Say, I can't feel my thumbs!"

Bit of a pause, things get garbled here, some mumbling

"Yeah but how many times have you seen 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'?"

"Is there a number that can climb that high?"

"More alcohol?"

"Is there a number that can climb that high?"

This is when the madness began to settle in

"Did you just make a cocktail out of a Whopperrito?"

"It's what the King would want."

"Elvis?"

"JEEZE! Is he here?"

"That's the cheese ooze terror talking. You know he's shacked up with Salman Rushdie and Marilyn Monroe in Jersey right? He can't be here."

"Twenty six grams of fat, almost two grams of saturated fat, seventy five milligrams of cholesterol, fifty nine grams of carbohydrates and well over one thousand milligrams of sodium!"

Another break

"So. Foosball?"

"It's what the King would want."

It's just a foos paradise

"So would you ever order one of these things again?"

"I can't even see my shoes. What kind of question is that?"

"I heard a bunch of people like this thing. Why is that?"

"Nickleback has sold millions of albums. Competitive vaping is a thing. Ann Coulter. It's just, well...part of our landscape. It's just..."

"Whoa! What the heck is that?"

*Unnerving shaking and swirling of darkness into our immediate reality*

"Wait. Is this...normal?"

"Huh. Never thought about it. The summoning rift between our reality and that brought on by the fact that we ate Whopperritos without any inclination of consequence or thought to what we might do to the ensuing churn of possible human plight due to our gluttonous disposition."

"Yep."

"Yep."

"You ready for another one?"

 "Um. Sure. But first, lemme..."


*Heads off to the lavatory only to...*

The abyss stared back...hard

Madness.

*Roiling, contorting, singing tunes from "South Pacific", but not all that good*

"So....what do we do now?"

"There's only one thing really."

"You mean? No! You can't mean...."

"Yes. I do mean."

Pause. 

*More demonic stuff happening here, like crazy weird shizz...not cool but way awesome*

"Wait. What do you mean?"

"There can be only one that can explain all this tortilla wrapped insanity."

"Word. And the tortilla isn't even that good. It's all chewy and mass produced. Not a good accompaniment to..."

"SILENCE! We must now consult with the almighty master of wisdom and bad food authority."

"You mean...?"

"Yes. We must seek out the advice and guidance from none other than...Lil' Poundcake!"


*Angels sing, harps strum, horns bellow, can openers buzz and spill tuna water all over the kitchen floor*


Amen!

I will do thy bidding oh great fuzzy master

*After licking her butt for six minutes*

"You must go to the Mexican Consulate and seek redemption. This is my mandate and it is the only way to achieve true vindication of such heinous crimes against the burrito universe."

"But...it's not my fault. I just ate the stupid thing."

"You will then get me tasty fishy treats and rub my belly for an hour. I will love it but I will show you displeasure by biting your hand whilst you rub. But if you stop, I will only look at you as if you are some kind of monster. And then! When you begin to rub my belly again, I will kick at you with my hind legs trying to throw you off."

"But....why? Why oh fluffy empress who occasionally poops in the hall?"

"It is a puzzle wrapped in a enigma then wrapped again in a riddle then packaged in a quandary and then shipped off to the island of seriously-what-the-fxxk."

*Bows head*

Later

At the Mexican Consulate

"On behalf of all guilt ridden and slightly privileged Caucasians, please allow me to extend our deepest and most sincere apolo..."

Gets immediately bum rushed by security, thrown out, then asked to turn off cameras and to see our credentials 

"Hey man. It's not my fault. You see, my cat, Lil' Poundcake, had very firm, very direct instructions for me to..."

Gets tazed 

"I....I have failed you, oh wise and...fuzzy master..."

Dies

You can't say we didn't try, only following orders our cat gave us

(It was at this point that things got blurry. The line between reality and the severely battered subconscious grew dimmer and dimmer.

The Whopperrito had won this battle but thanks to some fans of the Tucson Homeskillet, and the advice of a spectral Selena Gomez, a dark ritual was performed and redemption came in the form of an altar of sacrifice, banishing the forsaken fast food menu item to the deepest dimension of spicy beef hate and tortilla wrapped torment.

So let this be a lesson of warning to you dear food blog reader: Proceed unto the drive-thru with extreme caution. We did not fare well with this challenge so with a bit of luck, an iron stomach and taste buds that have long been put to pasture due to stupid food trials such as this one, you might do a bit better than the recent victims here did.

Or just skip this crap all together. There are a lot better options to get your burrito fix in. Just saying.

The choice...IS YOURS!)

Back to the realm of shadows with you!

Thank you for reading.

Good night and good luck.

P.S. : No toilets were harmed in the making of this blog.

Just kidding. We destroyed a couple.

Just kidding. A ton of toilets were laid to waste.

Sorry about that.

Sincerely,

The Tucson Homeskillet

RIP our bowels and sanity

Camera, Typing and Still Missing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
First Accursed Week In September, 2016

Metal Influence:

DEATH

"Scream Bloody Gore"

Vegan "Burgers" That Taste Just Like Beef? Oh We Gotta Try This...

It's summer. The 4th of July is upon us. Other than watching the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest (go Matt Stonie!), what is more American that firing up the grill and cooking up a bunch of burgs 'n dogs for the kids, your neighbors, the gram and gramps and that one weird guy that says he lives near you but only shows up when you're cooking out, all yelling "Hey, smells good!" while wearing some loud Acapulco shirt and cradling a 12er of Hamms under his pit as he crashes your shindig.

We of the Tucson Homeskillet fold love and honor this tradition just like handing out candy at Halloween, roasting a turkey all day for Thanksgiving or drinking to excess during the holiday season. It's kind of what we do. But, you know what? We're a bit bored of tradition and thought it might be fun to swing things up a notch just to see what the results could be and hopefully make us appreciate the tried and true custom of burning meat in the summer heat.

So what are we doing to do this time around?

Kids...we going vegan.

Alright...let's do this

Gasp! Shock! Horror!

No no, chill Homeskilleteers. We got you on this one.

See there is a new product out there by a company called Beyond Meat and they apparently have "beef" products that are 100% plant based that claim to taste just like the real animal thing. It's been circulating 'round the culinary belly for a spell and some of our veggie friends swear by this stuff.

Thing is, Beyond Meat is about to drop a major food bomb on us omnivores. Pretty soon, in select fancy grocery stores and then eventually in regular ol' shops once the idea takes off, they are going to sell something called the Beyond Burger.


The Beyond Burger is full on vegan "ground beef", no animal products of any kind and it will be sold in your grocers meat section. That's right, vegan meat sold next to real meat.


Bold right? Yeah, we like that.

Here's the selling point: the Beyond Burger is said to cook, smell, juice and taste just like real beef. No, really. We've been watching some of the bigger food sites get advanced samples of the stuff and all of them have said they were blown away by how good it is. For real...juices like real meat? How...how is that even possible?

Well, we're going to have to wait on that one but for now we wanted to try a few of their other products to see if it lives up to their own hype.

Well, we almost went vegan (yes that's real cheese)

So we went to a local Co-Op and got ourselves two items from Beyond Meat; the Beast Burger and some beef crumbles served in a handy lil' pouch. The idea was to see if they could stand the Homeskillet taste test for two of our favorite foods: burgers and tacos.

We just had to do it. We're dumb/awesome like that.

First up was the Beast Burger.

Hot grill skillet to get things going

Unlike the Beyond Burger, which will be sold along regular ground beef in the refrigerated section (as mentioned before), these products are frozen. Whatever. Like we said, veg pals stand by this business like no other, even if they haven't had real meat in decades.

So, yeah...how do you know what real meat tastes like? You don't! We eat meat, like, all the time and we know how beef is supposed to feel, smell like and taste. You've been grubbing on leaves and bark and mulch since the Clinton administration, so what do you have to compare to what "real meat" really does to your tongue and gut? This is dumb. We out. Tucson Homeskillet OUT!

Shhh....calm down, calm down. No need to freak out. We're just hungry so let's get this challenge started shall we?

Sheesh.

It sorta looks like meat

The Beast Burger didn't look to bad. Honestly, it looks like a real frozen beef patty. So we took it out of the plastic jacket, oiled up a hot grill pan and tossed it in.

Kinda smells like meat

First up was the sizzle. Yeah, the "burger" had a great sizzle to it, just like for real meat. That impressed us right off the pan handle. It smelled good too while it cooked.

So far, not too shabby vegan food item.

That aint meat

One concern was the fact that the patties had grill marks already on them. So...are they pre-cooked or what? We followed the easy instructions on the box but nowhere did it say they were already griddled then flash frozen and sealed up.

Whatever.

After a few minutes on each side, it was time to assemble our sandwich.

But it sizzles and smells (kinda) like meat

We wanted this one to be pretty special so we made sure the toppings and accessories for the burger were legit.

We topped the burgers with our homemade pickles and some bibb lettuce from our garden along with Tucson farmed tomatoes and onion, nice cheese from a local deli (you didn't expect us to go full vegan here did you, that noise is rough so we broke down and added some deep melty Swiss) and a brioche bun from a nearby bakery. It was so on!

Feeling frisky we also made a quick aioli, spread some on either side of the lightly toasted bread and put it all together.

Here is the result:

Sorry, but the sandwich building game was on point

Check the skills right? Anyway, enough of the self back patting on our sandwich building prowess, how did it taste?

You know what? Really good. Probably not at the level that the Beyond Burger is going to be but, honestly, if we went to a vegan cookout (blerf!) and this is what they were serving up, we'd be totally stoked about it. Seriously.

The patty had a bit of a grainy feel to it and the chew was a little granular but overall we were happy to be eating a plant assembled "beef" burger. It was straight up tasty.

Keep this in mind for your veggie friends that you invite over for your next cookout. The heartiness of the patty will surely hold up to the strains of a hot grill on a hot 4th of July afternoon. And because of the success of the Beast Burger we are now really stoked to try the Beyond Burger.

Now that is something to look forward to, meat eater or not.

Strangely delicious, oddly satisfying

Alright then. First challenge down and so we move on to the next.

Let's make some tacos with this lot:

Okee dokee, let's see what you got non-beef beefy crumbles

We live in Tucson. Tucson has some of the best food around, especially Mexican fare. We have had our share of tacos. Oh yes, a good fair share. So we just couldn't stop with a burger test could we? No. If beyond Meat makes a "beefy" crumble, we thought it best to see if it stood up to a Tucson taco challenge.

It's our job. It's...what we do.

Metal Mark's super secret taco seasoning that you can find anywhere on the internet

First off was to get some good supplies from one of our favorite local shops, Carniceria La Noria, on 1st Avenue and Prince. All of their salsas are handmade, as are their tortillas, and we also picked up a bag of their freshly grated cheese. Again, we just can't go completely vegan here. The use of cheese is just oh so too tempting.

Paired that with Metal Mark's secret taco seasoning (one where he just mixes different recipes found online and hopes that it comes out okay...this time it worked!) and a fresh pepper and lettuce from the garden, this round of the Beyond Meat taste test proved to be interesting and hopefully delicious.  

Grow your own and buy local

We greased up a hot grill pan, yes the same we used for the burgers, and tossed in the "beef" crumbles then slowly mixed in the taco seasoning.

Once again, the 100% plant based food alchemy was making sounds just like a good grind of real meat would whilst cooking away on the stove top. Crazy. As we stirred in the seasoning we noticed that the product lacked a bit of tenderness and was a fairly dry. To help this we added more oil and a bit of water to let it steam in and hoped that the combo of the two would work out.

Maybe you like your taco meat to be a bit arid but us Homeskillet choads like it mega moist and bursting with flavor. Again, we live in Tucson. Our tastebuds are competing with some incredible carne asada and beef tacos out there.

But the extra oil and water seemed to help.

And Metal Mark's seasoning. Don't forget about that...

Lookin' and smellin' pretty good

Much like the burger "meat", the "beefy" crumbles were already sort of cooked and all we had to do was heat it up, season it up and bring it to life.

Once the temperature and consistency of the vegan beef was up to snuff, we assembled the tacos to our liking and dug in.

Honestly, we were glad we added a bunch of seasoning to the "meat" because without it we thought that it really wouldn't stand much of a chance. That said, with the other components, our Beyond Meat tacos were really tasty. Having had some of the greatest beef tacos that southern Arizona has to offer and then some, our tongue was used to that authentic flavor and character, so the countless ingredients that make up the lab tested food product was a little odd. But it definitely was not the worst vegan meat we have tried...far from it! As a matter of fact, it was probably the best, but being good omnivores and sporting a bit of a taco obsession, it just took some getting used to.

After a couple of bites though, we didn't even notice that we were eating Franken-beef. In fact, we were kind of getting into it.

Good job Beyond Meat. You pretty much have us convinced.

Yep, those are tacos

The best part is is that you can get this stuff at a lot of local grocery stores, even big box ones. But we encourage you to get it from local/Arizona vendors such as the Food Conspiracy Co-Op, Natural Grocers and Bashas. Okay, so they're not like super super local and small biz but...it's the best we can do here. C'mon. We're trying our best!

Point is, our mouths are already starting to drool and our stomachs are beginning to rumble just thinking about the Beyond Burger. If these already available products at most decent shops can make us not notice the fact that we were eating non-meat, we can't even fathom what the new stuff is going to be like. But that's another Homeskillet article all together.

Thanks again Beyond Meat! You made believers out of us.

But we're still not going to go vegan. Or even vegetarian. Oh no.

I mean, have you had the beef tongue (de lengua) tacos at La Fresita? Yeah. That's why.

Cheers!

Good stuff, now you give it a try

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
First Day Of July, 2016

Metal Influence:

SORCERER

The Best Burger AND The Best Burrito In Tucson? Alright...Let's Do This.

Okay, we almost feel bad about posting this article.

We at the Tucson Homeskillet are not in the food blog game to put anybody down, smear against restaurants that we deem shameful and gross or even turn our nose up at places that make us mad because the service sucks as well as the food. If the place doesn't do it for us we just move on and focus on the stuff that does make us happy.

Yeah, we did feature what we knew to be the worst burrito in Tucson but...we didn't give out the name of the place and we never will. And, sorry, it was kind of funny.

That's sort of the case here.

Well, a lot of you have been asking if we could do this particular challenge and, yes, we did (with a heavy sigh) and to not let you down we went ahead and published the results. So without further ado, here is our take on a place that claims to have the best burger and burrito in Tucson!

(Apologies to those who know who we are talking about and more apologies to the place in particular...because you know who you are. But maybe this can be an inspiration to not ride on the results of a readers poll from years past. Just sayin'...)

Well...the chips and salsa were good, so...that's a positive

The Tucson Homeskillet has been meaning to do this piece for a while. Since winning a readers poll back in 2013 for Best Burger in Tucson, this casual Mexican concept up on Broadway also won the same poll for Best Burrito in 2015.

Best burrito and best burger in town? Now that, my friends and dear readers, is quite the boast in a city literally overflowing with amazing burritos and burgers. So on a rather hot afternoon, the Homeskillet crew rolled in to see if the food lived up to the hype.

The mole was choco-chocked and that's about it

The place itself is nice. Its clean with easy to follow instructions on how to order and a menu that is extensive without being overbearing. Thing is, it was high lunchtime on a Wednesday and the restaurant was nearly empty. Not always the best sign, especially for a eatery that is boasting the best burrito and burger in Tucson.

The best huh? Man, this establishment should be booming then. Lines out the door even. If you have huge banners outside advertising the fact that you make the ultimate burrito and burger you'd think folks would be beating at the doors and windows trying to get in.

Nope. Just us, two old ladies and an Asian man on his laptop who looked rather confused about something. Possibly his food.

We give you: The Best Burrito in Tucson!

We get to the counter and order the burger, the winner, medium rare, and the burrito, the winner's circle one as well.

Since there was three of us and two items didn't seem like enough, we also got the mole fries appetizer and the chicken flautas, because if you are a Mexican food joint and screw up flautas, you need to rethink what you're doing and just go into the pest control industry or something.

And...the best burger?

The first item up was the mole fries. Seemed like a decent enough start to the judging of the restaurant's bold claims. We love poutine and fries covered in a good spicy mole sauce sounded pretty good at the time seeing as we were all rather darn hungry.

Let's just say our stomachs were in control and definitely not the brain. Or tongue.

The mole was weird. No real flavor or spice but a definitive chocolate taste overcame the thick black gravy. It clung to the piping hot crispy fries for dear life much like caked mud on a boot. The dish just didn't make any sense. In fact, it just kind of made us sad. It was as if they melted down some Hershey's Kisses into a paste and sprinkled sesame seeds on top. Really odd and really flat.

"Maybe if I just keep powering through my tastebuds wont mind after a while," Chili said as he chomped another tarred up pile of fries.

Nope. It didn't help. So we left the bowl half consumed hoping the entrees would live up to all the hoopla.

The presentation was nice and it stopped there

The flautas were the next to arrive and, sadly, they didn't help much.

The side of rice was cooked nice and the greens were fresh, but the black beans (much like the mole) were gloppy and tedious, without any real flavor and kind of a pain to eat.

The worst though was the flautas themselves.

"Tastes like dog food," chimed She-Ra as she threw one down on the plate, laughing in spite of her spite. So I took a bite and confirmed her observation.

"Yeah," I said wincing. "This beef is terrible."

"Um, that's chicken," she reminded with a grin and grimace.

Oh yeah. Oh wow. Man, so far this place isn't doing us any proper. Oh no.

But the burrito and burger...c'mon, they have to be good, right? No...the best!

Right?

Oh, there it is...yeah, it's kind of medium rare, if you squint

Eventually the two winners of a Tucson reader's poll arrived.

The burrito looked really good and was presented nicely; cut in half and stacked on top of itself with some greens, radishes and salsa on the side. As did the burger, smothered in a chipotle aioli on a decent looking brioche bun and, yes, served with those fries. Sans mole.

But the results on the actual taste of both the (supposed) best burger and the best burrito in Tucson?

Umm...

Not good. Sorry.

Chili says: These fries put the poo in poutine

First off the burger was not cooked medium rare, not even close. It was "cooked", that we knew, but it didn't have a red center until we got deep down into it, and then only if you looked hard enough for it. The bun was okay, the chipotle aioli was fine but the meat seasoning was not all that great and at the bottom of it all was a collection of mystery "greens".

They looked a bit like watercress, didn't really have a distinct flavor but one thing was for sure they were really tough, so much it made cutting the sandwich in half quite a chore. Was it...grass? It might have been grass. Anyway, the patty was juicy enough to pass for acceptable but it was a far cry from being the best burger in Tucson. By far! Most dive bars with kitchens and old school steakhouses put this meager meat flounder to shame. A lot has changed since 2013 and the Tucson burger game is a tough one to beat. Getting people to vote for you via social media seemed to have worked once but I doubt this'll hold up against the magnitude and magnificence of the burgers we have here today.

Might be time to take that banner down.

Please let it end

But what about the burrito?

Yeah, what about it?

The first thing we got was salt. It was really salty. Packed with grilled vegetables such as corn, carrots and red onions, it was also filled with grilled chicken, rice and black beans. And...so what? That's it? That's all you got? C'mon best burrito in Tucson.

It was bland. But salty.

How can this be the best burrito...in Tucson? TUCSON! We are basically Mexico and the Mexican food here in unreal. I've had amazing burritos from small carts parked outside of gas stations, burritos ten times better than this one, one that garnered a "readers poll best of" over three years ago. There was absolutely nothing outstanding about the burrito or the burger, in any capacity. There are way, way better options out there and waiting for you.

Trust us here.

See, we went into this assignment with a bit of hope; we wanted to like the burger and we wanted to like the burrito. A small family run establishment beaming about how they hold the trophy for best burger and best burrito in Tucson? Great! Let's see what you got.

Unfortunately we had to stop what we were doing and just call it a day. This challenge was a bit of a fail, so we left a bit grumpy, a little hungry, and crawled into the oven like car to try and find some immediate salvation.

Sorry little place up on Broadway but the Tucson Homeskillet didn't like your food. And good luck with holding onto the "Best Of" votes for that burger and burrito. We just...yeah.

Sorry.

It says John on my shirt and that's where this food belongs

Anyway, our salvation came in a large icy goblet filled with rum, gin, brandy and lots of fruit juices from a dark and cool lounge just up the street. The Scorpion Bowl at Kon Tiki put us back in order and put smiles back on our faces.

Huh...and the food here is good too. Did you know that?

But that is another story all together.

Cheers!

This goblet of firewater made the bad man go away...temporarily

Camera, Typing and (unfortunately) Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Early June, 2016

Metal Influence:

REPULSION

"Horrified"

Blake's Lotaburger Comes To Town And...Sure.

I've seen this place. No really. Road travelling through New Mexico there were a bunch of Blake's Lotaburger  on the side of the highway but we never stopped to try out the food. For some reason we just kept on going and when we finally were out of the "land of enchantment" we kinda forgot all about that Lotaburger stand and continued on with our lives, free to pursue other burger spots and a career of religious fulfillment.

Then a few months ago it was announced that a Lotaburger was coming to Tucson. Oh. Okay. Cool. I guess.

And that's when locals began losing their frikkin minds!

Here it is...and...okay

As a California native, we just took having In-N-Out Burgers every five miles or so apart for granted. They were and are, and will be, always there. It was just road food for me. When driving for a while and you need a fairly expedient, satisfying and reasonable grub stop, the go to was In-N-Out.

But do you remember when one opened up here in Tucson a few years ago? Dude, it was like the second coming of the Meat Messiah. The lines coiled around blocks to get a sample of the West Coast style fries and burgs. It wasn't as if they were giving away free food or that the In-N-Out was suddenly the only place to get a quicky lunch here in Tucson...it's just a burger, man!

I mean, it is a tasty burger...but still.

So when folks started flipping about this Lotaburger joint, of course we had to get a sample and see what all the hype was about.

Packed parking lot and crazy long drive thru lines

Started back in the 50's by a guy named Blake Chanslor, Lotaburger quickly became a staple in the Albuquerque fast food quadrant, eventually expanding to other New Mexico cities to reign supreme in fry grease and cheese. Famous for featuring fresh roasted green chiles on their burgers, the chain soon became a local favorite earning the title of 'Best Green Chile Burger in the World' by National Geographic and now, ladies and gentlereaders...Tucson has one.

Friends who needed a Lotaburger fix asap braved the early soft opening chaos only to report that it took almost an hour at times to get their food. For a burger. When I asked if it was worth the hour wait, the response was a resounding:

"Eh."

Patrons lining up to start waiting to wait

Just "eh" for a burger you waited for up to an hour to eat? Oh man. But then others chimed in claiming that it beats In-N-Out by tenfold in flavors and concept. Heck, Lotaburger even serves up breakfast burritos (take that Taco Bell!) so now it was like 50/50 as far as what I was to expect from this place.

The dust had (sorta) settled from its big grand opening and I got there fairly early, like 10:30 am, on a Wednesday. I got parking right next to the front door so I had thought I lucked out. If you can get rockstar parking at a popular joint, bets are that it's not as hoppin' as it usually is or could be, so I opened the door and stepped inside.

There was a decent amount of people in there and a fair bustle of activity, just not the turmoil I had come to expect. I suppose at such a non-lunch/too late for breakfast time frame this light smattering of burger hungry patrons was to kind of be expected.

Here's the thing: This Lotaburger is pretty small and is set up quite oddly. When you first walk in you immediately are set to queue for your order. The main dining area is off to your left and there are a few tables within butt height and distance to the right. There was one employee on the register who had a few folks asking questions and placing orders with her under a fairly paired down and basic menu which stretched out above them all. The kitchen behind her was a squall of food hustle though. People were running around putting items in bags, manning the grills, taking orders from the drive thru window, slapping meat on buns and then running out to the floor and yelling out numbers.

"Number 283!?", announced a team member in a white shirt which was immediately followed by a dude raising his hand, claiming that he was number 283 and then was handed a sack full of steamy beef promise. Wow, at 10:30 am they were already up to almost 300 orders.

Impressive.

Here it is: the Lotaburger with green chiles

I was standing behind a guy whom I thought was in line, but when the line in front of him began to surge forward the dude didn't move. So I asked him if he was in line. He then turned around and stated that he had already ordered and was just waiting. Huh. So I moved up past him and prepared to order.

Looking around I noticed lots of folks just standing there, holding tickets, staring at the general register/kitchen area hoping their order pops up next. In fact, there were more people waiting for their food in the designated order line than there were actual people gearing up to order food. So people would come in, see some person standing in the queue area, queue behind that person and just stand there like idiots thinking they were in the line, when in fact the real line was a few heads down a notch, being blocked by folks who were just hanging out and waiting for their order to arrive. There is no wait station or area to hang out in as you anticipate someone calling out your ticket number. Kind of a bad move on the Lotaburger design team if you ask me. People just milling about the dining space clutching ticket orders while other people nibble on drippy sandwiches just looked uncomfortable for all parties involved.

So I placed my order, three burgers with green chiles, to go, grabbed my ticket and tried to find a spot where I wouldn't be confused with someone in line or bothering some sap who's just trying to enjoy their burger without some dork standing there going "Hey, maybe my order will come up next...what'dya think?"

It took about 15-20 minutes to get my sack full of burgs and by that time the line to order at the register was out the door. The 11 am, early lunch crowd was beginning to pack it, so I grabbed my goodies and mushed my way through the horde and ran to the car.

But when I got to the car I was blocked in by the teeming mass of drive thru patrons. Again, not the best in design. Luckily a good soul saw my predicament, backed up as much as he could, curbing out a bit onto Speedway, which allowed me to wiggle the rig just enough to make it safely to the street.

Thank you kind person. You know who you are.

Metal Mark in Lotaburger judge mode

My first stop was to drop one off to my lady, She-Ra, to snack on while she was at work.

"You didn't get fries?", she asked.

"No," I replied. "I just wanted to get out of there."

She would later reply via text: 'Well that was a spicy pile of garbage'

Let's play a game: Try to find the green chile topping

Next was to visit our good friend Chili, who co-owns our favorite bar Danny's Baboquivari. You might know Chili from our strip club excursion where we got free burgers and got the go-ahead to take photos of said free burgers in an environment that isn't so spiffy on things like that. Chili is always up for a Homeskillet food challenge and this one was a breeze compared to others we have endured in the past.

We both took a seat on the outside patio, unwrapped the provisions and assessed the damage.

"Good meat to bun ratio," quipped Chili. "But pretty skimpy on the green chiles."

The burgers looked like...burgers. Nothing amazing, nothing groundbreaking. Burgers. Amidst the usual lettuce, pickle, onion fare, the meat was topped with a scant amount of roasted green chile plop. Now, we had heard that Lotaburger was famous for their green chiles and you'd think that they would embellish the Tucson eaters with just a bit more sweet heat than what we were witnessing here.

Whatever. It was time to eat.

Chili is a man of action

Was this burger worth the 20 minute wait? Not really. Does it live up to the hype? I don't think so. Is it the best green chile burger in the world? Umm...not in Tucson, no.

The burger was...fine. It's at that grade of an In-N-Out but not on that level if you know what I mean. Maybe some chains in New Mexico hook it up like no other but for this burger enthusiast, it tasted like a slightly higher class of fast food burger.

Half way through our burgers though, we began to realize why they use so little green chile: The heat and spice is a slow yet palpable burn. If they had slathered more of the green mush relish on the meat we would have been in some trouble. Not crazy napalm scorch but it did have a bite.

And believe me, we can take the heat.

"You know what," Chili said (by the way, yes, we found it funny that our good friend Chili was sampling green chile burgers...we got it, thank you) as he finished his burger and wiped his mouth, "I ate it but I don't think I need to again. Maybe in a year or so when the crowds die down...maybe. But for now, all I can say is: I just ate a burger with some green chiles on it. And, I can move on with my life."

No truer words were said on that fine sunny Wednesday afternoon.

Some folks have waited for up to an hour for this thing...really?

To be fair we did not try the breakfast burritos, we did not sample the fries and we only ate their basic burger with green chiles, so there really wasn't a well rounded account for all that Lotaburger can offer up. But if a place is boasting the "best green chile burger in the world", you better believe I am eating that burger. It's sort of like how I judge diners: if they screw up a simple club sandwich I wont go back. Or if a Japanese restaurant has crappy chicken teriyaki. If you can't get the basics down how is the rest of the menu going to fare?

Listen, there are so many burger options in this town and Lotaburger just seems like the new kid at school that at first appears all fun and shiny but then when you get to the heart of things they are proud of their Nickleback ticket collection and thought that the last Fantastic Four movie was "Oh my god, so good!"

Only to repeat myself: It was a burger. It had green chiles on it. We ate it. And then we moved on.

So to sum up our Lotaburger experience, just let this photo of me tell you what we all thought:

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
First Wednesday in April, 2016

Metal Influence:

NEUROSIS

"The Time Of The Beasts"