The 2016 Tucson Homeskillet Year In Review

OK, so 2016 has gotten a pretty bad rap this, well, year, mainly because it took so many celebrity lives. You know, Prince, Mrs. Brady, Snape, Princess Leia, her mom...and some others apparently. Yeah, that sucks when someone you admire and has been in your life for so long passes but for us here at the Homeskillet, we actually had a pretty banner year.

This was the year where this lil' dopey blog started to break, in a manner of speaking. We went from just a few hits to a bit more hits. That alone is reason to celebrate! Our likes on social media went to literally none to almost some. Hot doggers! And we owe our success to you guys, the readers, the followers and the believers.

Thank you for believing in the Tucson Homeskillet.

So to look back on a most eventful and delectable year, we compiled the most popular and talked about posts and how they all came about. This should be fun, right? Right.

2017 should be just as awesome if not more so because Metal Mark is now the new food guy for the Tucson Weekly. So we are up to the challenge of eating all of the foods. How thrilling!

Anyway, you ready to get this year in review thingy started? Because we are.

Cool. Here we go...

JANUARY:

Our ode to Bowie and Lemmy

January started off with a bang as we gave you some suggestions on how to cure your hangover from various remedies across the globe which then segued into a piece about Metal Mark's lifelong obsession with the pastrami sandwich. 

But the highlight and most hits came from our blog about the world losing both Lemmy from Motorhead and David Bowie. That was a big shock for everyone. Still is. 

Okay, officially Lemmy died in 2015...ON METAL MARK'S BIRTHDAY! Yep. As the crew settled down for some birthday libations, the notice came out that Lemmy died and we all got even drunker than usual. Then as 2016 rolled in, Bowie called out. Not the best way to start a year.

So what we did was find recipes that were inspired by both iconic artists. David Bowie loved shepherd's pie and Lemmy loved cold spaghetti and we think we did alright with the recipes we found. 

Not to mention we told you how to make the "David Bowie" cocktail and, of course, the Lemmy (Jack and Coke). This was a really fun post and we are so stoked that you liked it as much as we had fun writing about it.  

FEBRUARY:

We reviewed the Vegan Black Metal Chef's cookbook

We at the Homeskillet are far from being vegan but we do like delicious food and we do love us some Black Metal. So when Brian Manowitz (aka the Vegan Black Metal Chef) came out with his own cookbook you know we had to get our greedy mitts on this thing.

The recipes he supplies will make you forget you are eating a dish that has absolutely no animal products in them. With the use of spices, sauces and ingenious components, the Vegan Black Metal Chef takes you on a worldwide journey of flavor all the while invoking the darkness of foreboding lore at the same time being funny as all heck. 

This is a cookbook that everyone needs but probably not everyone will get. We really can't see Aunty Myrtle cozying up to a recipe for aloo palak as the VBMC asks you to "stare into the abyss" while "unholy spirits" command you to add more ginger. 

We love it, we love him and obviously you loved this post. Yay!

*insert wailing banshee shriek here, but...all happy like*

MARCH:

We discovered Yogi's Indian Food and Market

We literally just drove by this place on Stone Avenue and went "Whaaa?"

Not hearing anything about it; no notices or twitters, we slammed on the brakes, stepped inside and decided to see and eat for ourselves. 

Luckily, Yogi's was awesome and we have been back a few times not just for their cuisine but for their vegetables and goods as well. This place rules and we are so happy that they are doing well. 

The food at Yogi's is lighter than most other Indian restaurants in town, and that's what we love about it. Each dish just has a airy freshness to it and when you want to gorge or delicious Indian food (as we usually do) it's nice to come out of it feeling nourished as opposed to feeling like you want to food nap for a few hours. 

So if you are in that area and have a craving for some delicious Indian food (as you should) step into Yogi's and say that you heard about them from the Tucson Homeskillet. Then the Bhati family will just look at you funny and be all "Um...sure."

Trust us here. 

APRIL:

We celebrated the Omar sandwich from the Sausage Deli

April was an awesome month. It was the month where we discovered Manna From Heaven Indian fry bread tacos, ate at the wildly overrated Blake's Lotaburger and explained why we don't like covering downtown eateries. There was a lot going on but the post that took the prize that month was our ode to the Omar sandwich.

The Sausage Deli offers up a ton of delectable treats served between bread but the Omar is an entity all its own. It sounds pretty simple when you break it down: turkey, salami, Swiss cheese, onions, peppers, mustard and Italian dressing, but when you bite into it you know you are eating something special.

We love the Omar so much we took it to the fair, for a beer, to an Iron Maiden concert and then finally let the Homeskillet's own compound cat, Lil' Poundcake, get in on the action.

It was a grand day out with one of the grandest sandwiches Tucson has to offer and we are so happy that you guys liked the post as well.

Cheers!

MAY:

We just can't get enough of Bam Bam Food Truck's Korean / Mexican fusion

It is well known that we are food truck obsessed. Some of our best posts have been because of the efforts and cuisine from the various carts, trucks and trailers set up serving absolute deliciousness. 

In May we confessed to our inclination to Bam Bam's Korean / Mexican fusion. Oh dear lord, is their food fantastic. 

Owned and operated by Fernando Sanchez, a Tucson native that was raised in Mexico, he is able to meld together the tang, spice and elegance of two rather different regions only to fuse them into a savory journey that we still just can't get enough of. The tacos, the yakisoba noodle dishes the...everything, is just divine. We have yet to have a bad dish from him and his truck. 

Lately Bam Bam can be found by the Flycatcher on 4th most nights, so when you're in the vicinity and need some amazingness in your life, Fernando will clearly set you up. 

So good.

JUNE:

We introduced you to Big Mike and the Bronx Tale food truck

Our favorite go-to bar, Danny's, always gets a good supply of food trucks and we were lucky to feature a good amount of them for this site. But one truck that stood out for us was The Bronx Tale. 

Run by the gentle giant of a man, Michael Eure, Bronx Tale dishes out some "New York" style BBQ and the few items he does offer are simply exquisite. 

The ribs are saucy and fall apart at the bone, the pork sliders are tender and juicy but what we really fawn over is his catfish sliders. 

Not too sure if it is the seasoning, the crunchy yet creamy slaw or what but these things are addictive. His mac 'n cheese is rich and heavenly as is his strawberry cornbread which we can't decide if it's a dessert or a meal unto itself. Doesn't matter. 

So when you see the usually hidden red truck with the little sign that reads "BBQ", you need to pull over and get your face into that mess. And its a good mess. Its a New York saucy mess. 

And thanks for reading and sharing this post. It was almost as fun writing about him as it was eating his food. Yum.

JULY:

We hung out with Tucson's own competitive eating champ, Michelle Lesco

It was summertime and things were heating up, even though there wasn't a whole lot of new stuff to write about, food wise that was.

Luckily Tucson's own competitive eating champ Michelle "Cardboard Shell" Lesco hung out with us at Boca Tacos n Tequila and we chatted about what it takes to take down 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, how one gets into the competitive eating circuit and how the heck does someone stay so skinny when they eat the Lindy's OMFG burger on a regular basis. 

Michelle was awesome, we became good friends and best of all she invited us to come along and try to accomplish some of the other food challenges around town. We still have yet to take her up on it but perhaps in the new year we will be brave enough to take down a 5 lbs burrito or hot wings that register just off of the "are you fxxking kidding me" scale in Scoville units. 

Don't give up on us Michelle. It's just that we need to train for those challenges just like you do before heading off to Coney Island for the Nathan's eating event. 

Does drinking beer and marathoning old VH1 elimination game shows like "Rock of Love" and "America's Most Smartest Model" count as 'training'? 

We hope so... 

AUGUST:

We ate a bunch of weird potato chips and fast food so you didn't have to

When we eat garbage food the general public seems to, um, eat it up. Every time we gather around to ingest sandwiches infused with flaming hot crap or seasonal shakes that taste like minty toothpaste, the few that click on this here blog go a little nuts. 

This time we ate potato chips that were flavored like tzatziki, szechuan chicken, tikki masala and Brazilian spit meat. All we can say is that, well...it didn't go so great. Not that we didn't have fun trying them, we sure did, but the flavor combos on those chips were like dusty, curdled waves of horror. But that's the nature of the food blogging biz. Sometimes you eat the deliciousness and then sometimes you eat the toilet that the delicious food eventually winds up in.  

Luckily for us we were able to hand off these bags of crispy swill to some rather intoxicated suckers, uh....customers down at the end of the bar and leave with a scant amount of dignity. 

Don't try this at home kids. Leave the garbage food eating to the pros...

SEPTEMBER:

We ate the Whopperito and (sort of) lived to tell you about it

And speaking of garbage food. Holy god forsaken crap for crap!

The friggin' Whopperito. 

Ugh. 

We ate two of these things. We are not proud of it. We went a little insane.

Can we move on from this one please?

Thanks.

Done. 

Next...

OCTOBER:

We looked back on some recent restaurant closures and how we felt about them

It's always sad to see one of your favorite places to grab a bite to eat totally eat it. 2016 was fraught with all sorts of closures and we tracked down a few and told you our feelings about them.

We were totally convinced that the Orenccio's fast casual concept on Campbell Ave would make it but it shut down like a week after opening with a cease and desist note on the front door. Yikes.

Tokyo Rice Bowl was awesome as was Cali Grill (sometimes) but the one we are totally fine with being gone was La Fuente because, man, we never had a good experience there.  Sorry, we know it was open for many years but the food will not be missed.

Hopefully 2017 will be a little more forgiving on some of our favorite eateries, unless its that place where we ate the "Best Burger and Burrito in Tucson" because that poo hut has got to go.

Just saying... 

NOVEMBER:

We gave nods to who we think should have won "Best of Tucson"

November kind of slowed down a bit because of the oncoming holidays, Metal Mark going full throttle with the Tucson Weekly and various other distractions. We did get a chance to review the new cookbooks from Marcus Samuelsson and Anthony Bourdain, which was cool, but the one post in November that garnered a ton of hits (aka, more than 23) was our votes on who should have gotten the Best Of in Tucson.

Not to knock his new gig but every year the Tucson Weekly puts out the "best of" which is totally voted by the reading public. A lot of the winners were fine but a big majority, especially in the food and eating department, we just had to speak up against and give our nods to. 

It just feels as if a majority of readers vote for the same ol' places because its what they know and its what they are comfortable with. Now that Tucson is a food destination and the first official "US city of gastronomy", the way we eat and how it is served up is changing...big time. 

So look back and see what you think. Thank you again for all of the shares and comments. 

DECEMBER:

We introduced you to the Sausage Fest hot dog cart

To round out a most sumptuous year we hung out with our good pal Erik "Chili" Hulten and his hot dog cart the Sausage Fest. This guy not only runs our home away from home but he comes up with some enticing combos and fits it all on some squishy buns.

Squishy buns!

Anyway, so the next time you are at Danny's or various events about town you need to stop by the Sausage Fest and eat one of his creations that usually involve lots of bacon, IPA infused 'kraut, fried green tomatoes, his secret chili (hence the nickname) and most importantly Chili's house made pickles. So good and such a good guy.

Thanks again for making 2016 a fantastic, fun and food filled year. We are looking forward to another year of eating, drinking and writing all about it. 

You guys rule.

Cheers!

Camera, Typing and Looking Back

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

New Years Eve, 2016

Metal Influence:

IRON MAIDEN

"Remember Tomorrow"

Vegan "Burgers" That Taste Just Like Beef? Oh We Gotta Try This...

It's summer. The 4th of July is upon us. Other than watching the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest (go Matt Stonie!), what is more American that firing up the grill and cooking up a bunch of burgs 'n dogs for the kids, your neighbors, the gram and gramps and that one weird guy that says he lives near you but only shows up when you're cooking out, all yelling "Hey, smells good!" while wearing some loud Acapulco shirt and cradling a 12er of Hamms under his pit as he crashes your shindig.

We of the Tucson Homeskillet fold love and honor this tradition just like handing out candy at Halloween, roasting a turkey all day for Thanksgiving or drinking to excess during the holiday season. It's kind of what we do. But, you know what? We're a bit bored of tradition and thought it might be fun to swing things up a notch just to see what the results could be and hopefully make us appreciate the tried and true custom of burning meat in the summer heat.

So what are we doing to do this time around?

Kids...we going vegan.

Alright...let's do this

Gasp! Shock! Horror!

No no, chill Homeskilleteers. We got you on this one.

See there is a new product out there by a company called Beyond Meat and they apparently have "beef" products that are 100% plant based that claim to taste just like the real animal thing. It's been circulating 'round the culinary belly for a spell and some of our veggie friends swear by this stuff.

Thing is, Beyond Meat is about to drop a major food bomb on us omnivores. Pretty soon, in select fancy grocery stores and then eventually in regular ol' shops once the idea takes off, they are going to sell something called the Beyond Burger.


The Beyond Burger is full on vegan "ground beef", no animal products of any kind and it will be sold in your grocers meat section. That's right, vegan meat sold next to real meat.


Bold right? Yeah, we like that.

Here's the selling point: the Beyond Burger is said to cook, smell, juice and taste just like real beef. No, really. We've been watching some of the bigger food sites get advanced samples of the stuff and all of them have said they were blown away by how good it is. For real...juices like real meat? How...how is that even possible?

Well, we're going to have to wait on that one but for now we wanted to try a few of their other products to see if it lives up to their own hype.

Well, we almost went vegan (yes that's real cheese)

So we went to a local Co-Op and got ourselves two items from Beyond Meat; the Beast Burger and some beef crumbles served in a handy lil' pouch. The idea was to see if they could stand the Homeskillet taste test for two of our favorite foods: burgers and tacos.

We just had to do it. We're dumb/awesome like that.

First up was the Beast Burger.

Hot grill skillet to get things going

Unlike the Beyond Burger, which will be sold along regular ground beef in the refrigerated section (as mentioned before), these products are frozen. Whatever. Like we said, veg pals stand by this business like no other, even if they haven't had real meat in decades.

So, yeah...how do you know what real meat tastes like? You don't! We eat meat, like, all the time and we know how beef is supposed to feel, smell like and taste. You've been grubbing on leaves and bark and mulch since the Clinton administration, so what do you have to compare to what "real meat" really does to your tongue and gut? This is dumb. We out. Tucson Homeskillet OUT!

Shhh....calm down, calm down. No need to freak out. We're just hungry so let's get this challenge started shall we?

Sheesh.

It sorta looks like meat

The Beast Burger didn't look to bad. Honestly, it looks like a real frozen beef patty. So we took it out of the plastic jacket, oiled up a hot grill pan and tossed it in.

Kinda smells like meat

First up was the sizzle. Yeah, the "burger" had a great sizzle to it, just like for real meat. That impressed us right off the pan handle. It smelled good too while it cooked.

So far, not too shabby vegan food item.

That aint meat

One concern was the fact that the patties had grill marks already on them. So...are they pre-cooked or what? We followed the easy instructions on the box but nowhere did it say they were already griddled then flash frozen and sealed up.

Whatever.

After a few minutes on each side, it was time to assemble our sandwich.

But it sizzles and smells (kinda) like meat

We wanted this one to be pretty special so we made sure the toppings and accessories for the burger were legit.

We topped the burgers with our homemade pickles and some bibb lettuce from our garden along with Tucson farmed tomatoes and onion, nice cheese from a local deli (you didn't expect us to go full vegan here did you, that noise is rough so we broke down and added some deep melty Swiss) and a brioche bun from a nearby bakery. It was so on!

Feeling frisky we also made a quick aioli, spread some on either side of the lightly toasted bread and put it all together.

Here is the result:

Sorry, but the sandwich building game was on point

Check the skills right? Anyway, enough of the self back patting on our sandwich building prowess, how did it taste?

You know what? Really good. Probably not at the level that the Beyond Burger is going to be but, honestly, if we went to a vegan cookout (blerf!) and this is what they were serving up, we'd be totally stoked about it. Seriously.

The patty had a bit of a grainy feel to it and the chew was a little granular but overall we were happy to be eating a plant assembled "beef" burger. It was straight up tasty.

Keep this in mind for your veggie friends that you invite over for your next cookout. The heartiness of the patty will surely hold up to the strains of a hot grill on a hot 4th of July afternoon. And because of the success of the Beast Burger we are now really stoked to try the Beyond Burger.

Now that is something to look forward to, meat eater or not.

Strangely delicious, oddly satisfying

Alright then. First challenge down and so we move on to the next.

Let's make some tacos with this lot:

Okee dokee, let's see what you got non-beef beefy crumbles

We live in Tucson. Tucson has some of the best food around, especially Mexican fare. We have had our share of tacos. Oh yes, a good fair share. So we just couldn't stop with a burger test could we? No. If beyond Meat makes a "beefy" crumble, we thought it best to see if it stood up to a Tucson taco challenge.

It's our job. It's...what we do.

Metal Mark's super secret taco seasoning that you can find anywhere on the internet

First off was to get some good supplies from one of our favorite local shops, Carniceria La Noria, on 1st Avenue and Prince. All of their salsas are handmade, as are their tortillas, and we also picked up a bag of their freshly grated cheese. Again, we just can't go completely vegan here. The use of cheese is just oh so too tempting.

Paired that with Metal Mark's secret taco seasoning (one where he just mixes different recipes found online and hopes that it comes out okay...this time it worked!) and a fresh pepper and lettuce from the garden, this round of the Beyond Meat taste test proved to be interesting and hopefully delicious.  

Grow your own and buy local

We greased up a hot grill pan, yes the same we used for the burgers, and tossed in the "beef" crumbles then slowly mixed in the taco seasoning.

Once again, the 100% plant based food alchemy was making sounds just like a good grind of real meat would whilst cooking away on the stove top. Crazy. As we stirred in the seasoning we noticed that the product lacked a bit of tenderness and was a fairly dry. To help this we added more oil and a bit of water to let it steam in and hoped that the combo of the two would work out.

Maybe you like your taco meat to be a bit arid but us Homeskillet choads like it mega moist and bursting with flavor. Again, we live in Tucson. Our tastebuds are competing with some incredible carne asada and beef tacos out there.

But the extra oil and water seemed to help.

And Metal Mark's seasoning. Don't forget about that...

Lookin' and smellin' pretty good

Much like the burger "meat", the "beefy" crumbles were already sort of cooked and all we had to do was heat it up, season it up and bring it to life.

Once the temperature and consistency of the vegan beef was up to snuff, we assembled the tacos to our liking and dug in.

Honestly, we were glad we added a bunch of seasoning to the "meat" because without it we thought that it really wouldn't stand much of a chance. That said, with the other components, our Beyond Meat tacos were really tasty. Having had some of the greatest beef tacos that southern Arizona has to offer and then some, our tongue was used to that authentic flavor and character, so the countless ingredients that make up the lab tested food product was a little odd. But it definitely was not the worst vegan meat we have tried...far from it! As a matter of fact, it was probably the best, but being good omnivores and sporting a bit of a taco obsession, it just took some getting used to.

After a couple of bites though, we didn't even notice that we were eating Franken-beef. In fact, we were kind of getting into it.

Good job Beyond Meat. You pretty much have us convinced.

Yep, those are tacos

The best part is is that you can get this stuff at a lot of local grocery stores, even big box ones. But we encourage you to get it from local/Arizona vendors such as the Food Conspiracy Co-Op, Natural Grocers and Bashas. Okay, so they're not like super super local and small biz but...it's the best we can do here. C'mon. We're trying our best!

Point is, our mouths are already starting to drool and our stomachs are beginning to rumble just thinking about the Beyond Burger. If these already available products at most decent shops can make us not notice the fact that we were eating non-meat, we can't even fathom what the new stuff is going to be like. But that's another Homeskillet article all together.

Thanks again Beyond Meat! You made believers out of us.

But we're still not going to go vegan. Or even vegetarian. Oh no.

I mean, have you had the beef tongue (de lengua) tacos at La Fresita? Yeah. That's why.

Cheers!

Good stuff, now you give it a try

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
First Day Of July, 2016

Metal Influence:

SORCERER

Kneel Before The Altar Of A Meatless God!

Pretty sure it all started with a link.

It was a few years back, I had just left the life of a chef to work in a library and start a food site. Me being a lifelong fan of Metal music and also being a big time eater and lover of food, I'm pretty sure someone sent me a link via social media with the tagline: "Dude, you gotta check this guy out."

The link took me to a YouTube page dedicated to someone calling himself the Vegan Black Metal Chef. Okay. The Black Metal thing I was immediately down with as was the chef part...but "vegan"? It looked cool but I wasn't immediately sold.

So I clicked on a video where he was making Pad Thai. Sure. I mean, I was pretty convinced that this whole thing was a joke. Some guy in corpse paint, maiming food and then sacrificing it all to some slop altar all in the name of instant and brief internet fame.

But then...I kept watching.

After the initial bleating of his name over and over again in the sort of goblin squawk that some Black Metal vocalists strain, the video actually turned a respectable corner. Wearing chain mail and harsh vinyl gauntlets, the man in the makeup began to actually cook food. Brandishing a wicked blade you might see in a Dungeons and Dragons playbook and doing it all in candlelight, the Vegan Black Metal Chef took you from what ingredients you will need, what to do first, how to cook and assemble and all the while using non-animal products to do so. About halfway in I didn't even mind that he was cooking vegan. In fact, I really didn't notice. This guy knew what he was doing and I was an immediate fan.

His book, his tome, his offering unto the world

The best part was, the Vegan Black Metal Chef was funny. Keeping with the whole "Black Metal" motif, he tells you to "crush the s--t out of the peanuts" and "this is so much better than store bought because store bought sauce suuuuuuuucks!"

Not only was I learning, but I was laughing too, all the while getting my Metal fix in as blistering darkened music loomed in the background while his lesson goes subtitled seeing as he is near gargling the recipe to you in demon speak. When that video ended I instantly started another. Then another. Pretty soon I was a subscriber to his site, followed him on social media and began posting his newest videos on my own online pages.

And I'm not even a vegan. Far from it.

But I was hooked.

The man, the makeup, the lover of animals

A few months ago I got a message on social media: The Vegan Black Metal Chef was writing a cookbook and created a Kickstarter campaign to get it going. Oh, I may not have a ton of money, but this guy is going to get some of mine because I want that cookbook out on the shelves for everyone to savor. Vegan or not, the guy in the bat wing shoulder cloak knows what he is doing and I knew that his manual would envelop most run of the mill Food Network inspired cookbooks. Forget the boring old 'brunch ideas' and 'super simple supper' recipes you've bored over again and again, the Vegan Black Metal Chef is here to burn all that tripe down (well, not actual tripe, that would mean cruelty to a cow) and build a tasty fortress of gastro-ingenuity without the use of real cheese or meat.

I've seen it be done on YouTube, now I just need it bound and printed.

There was even an incentive to donate to his cause. If you gave a certain amount, not only would he get closer to publication and you get a copy of the book once it was published but he would mention you and promote your website as well. This, I thought, was too good to be true. Seeing as the Tucson Homeskillet was in the infancy of its rebirth at the time, we could use all the help we can get. Heck, we still can! So I gave what I could and waited...

Ingenious recipes, easy and animal free

Then one day I got an email. It was from the man himself. He received my donation and just needed the link to my website. So I sent him the address and not too long after he responded:

"Your website has an image of a piece of pizza that clearly has animal based product on it. Since I cannot condone the use of animal based ingredients, can you send me something else?"

So I sent the Vegan Black Metal Chef a few articles that could be deemed "vegan"; one was about a local beer house and the other was a local brewery. That's...what I had. Luckily those links seemed to satisfy the dark lord of the kitchen and on November 3rd 2015, myself and the Tucson Homeskillet got a nod from the wicked sorcerer de cuisine sans animale.

A couple of months later, a package arrived. In it was his cookbook.

Immediately I flipped through it and just as quick I knew this thing was amazing.

Breaking it down like the villages of the forlorn doomed to have their huts engulfed in flames

"The Seitanic Spellbook" (for those that might not know, seitan is pure wheat gluten that a lot of vegetarians and vegans use in the place of meat, it has a similar consistency to some lean proteins especially when cooked and seasoned correctly) is what you would expect from the magic realm of the Vegan Black Metal Chef. Right off from opening the blackened folio of heightened consciousness cuisine, there are skulls, fire, pentagrams and most importantly a mission statement.

The master invokes the conclave of what "traditional" plant based cooking is meant to be and smashes that notion like the brains of his enemies. He sticks tried and true to keeping as close to non-animal based components as possible but using his own experience and taste to elevate each dish. But just like his website and videos, the VBMC crushes the usual elitist and sometimes tasteless takes on what it means to eat and live vegan. This guy makes it fun. Like really fun.

And that is something the lifelong devotees and the curious onlookers of the vegan cabal need these days. 

I know I do.

Your unearthly trip across the globe

The book starts off with a breakdown of cuisine from around the world. Not too sure what they are dining on in Hell these days, but I am sure it might involve a lot of garlic and some Sriracha, which the chef here uses a good amount of.

Peppered among the glorious offerings of less than barbarous fare are essays and helpful hints to assist you in your ascent into a food coma oblivion. Such as, and I had no idea about this, there are "vegan" wines compared to other wines. Did you know this? We sure didn't.

Apparently some wines are filtered through bone marrow and fish parts....but why? Anyway, the good thing is that vegan wine is cheaper than those that invoke gelatin to make them sweeter or more palpable to the common tongue and for that we bow our heads before the enlightened deity and continue forth on our quest for real yummy vittles. 

Further uses of the components you already possess in your pantry of doom

You are taken on a journey from Euro-American, through Asia, South America, Indian cuisine, Italian and the Middle East. Each stop, much like the notion of this entire hell spawn of recipes and concepts, breaks down the "traditional" approach to each dish. The best thing is, the change is really quite simple. All you have to do is tweak a bit here and there, perhaps spend more time at Asian markets and co-ops to get you ingredients, but overall the switch really isn't that grotesque.

And this is coming from a Metalhead that eats whatever he wants. Honestly, "The Seitanic Spellbook" really makes me want to challenge myself and go vegan once in a while. I like vegetables. If it wasn't for the potato how would we get french fries and vodka? Think about it.

Perhaps you going vegan wouldn't be so rough if you follow the examples set in this book. I bet you can do it.

Let's see if you can.

Metal Mark's weakness, Indian cuisine, which is nearly vegan to begin with

Each section opens up to one initial recipe, folded between the two pages. On the left, you have the "Spell Reagents" (aka the ingredients), which are always stripped down and easy to obtain and follow. Next comes the play by play on cooking the dish all done with the vernacular that we have all come to love and fear from his online videos. Sure there's no Black Metal playing (um, this is a book yo), so you're going to have to supply that on your own.

Might I suggest some early Emperor, Mayhem, Dark Throne, Carpathian Forest and that Chris Gaines thing that Garth Brooks did trying to do some sort of switcharoo on us and all he did was don a black wig and flavor savor.

Oh, and you need to cook by candlelight. And with a dagger of eternal nightmares. And pepper.

Lots of pepper.

Scoop out the flesh of yon avocado of death

Intertwined in these works of gloom and deliciousness, are the Chef's advice on how to shop. Oh you think you can just waltz into any Piggly Wiggly, buy some non-meat item and then be all "Hey, looka me...I'm all vegan and crap!" No. You need to read the labels, you need to seriously give some thought into what you are putting in your cart and then putting in your mouth. Hidden in so many so called "vegetarian" products contain microbes of animal spleen or cricket dust. It happens and if you want to follow the doctrines of the Vegan Black Metal Chef you are going to have to change the way you shop.

All it takes is perhaps a course to a different food supplier, maybe sourcing from a local farmers market or not supporting the gratuitous big box gluttony that is slowly poisoning you with their labels of "organic" and "healthy". This scripture of evil benediction will guide you into the darkened light of a new consciousness with just the simple task of modifying a thing or two here and there.

Regardless, this book is just chock full of instructions on how to inventory your kitchen to create the best freakin' food you could possible conjure up to appease the wicked gods of the culinary underworld.

Did you know you can recreate the flavor of shrimp by using the Japanese Konjac root and a few spices?

Me either.

Apparently bacon is a state of mind, not just a fatty pork product

My favorite parts have to be the "Oracles of Inspiration" which are extensions of the meal plan and recipe you were just provided with and uses the components to further your excursion into the deep forest of flavor.

You have the vegan cheese and made black bean "cheese" burgers...now what? How about mac 'n cheese? A burrito? Lasagne maybe? He doesn't just proclaim "Go get me some green beans for this one dish!" and then leave you hanging. Using the index in the back, locate 'green beans' and pursue your way into the vortex of heavenly spite and yummy tummy scorn. There is no end to the concepts of eating vegan in this book and flavor is just the beginning.

Or the end. Bwahahahahaa!!!

You all have spiked bowls of infernal grimness I hope

Through it all, the Vegan Black Metal Chef arrives on occasion to inspire and be the torch down the long dungeon of uncertainty and possible fleeing. With that razor sharp wit and confidence, he has pages dedicated to knowing what the book's intentions are, what it means to live a cruelty free life and to be the best darn person you can be. All the while cursing, praising Satan and making you laugh the whole time.

This cookbook may not be for all people just due to the subject matter and the use of Black Metal and skulls to mach your guacamole, but no one can deny the care, thought and time it went into creating such a demonic reach of exquisite food and flavor. If you are looking for fancy vegan cuisine using only the dried berry emulsion from the rarest bloom found on the tallest mountain only cultivated by a secluded indigenous people for one week out of the year...you need to talk to you dietitian/yoga instructor named Chip because this guy uses onion powder and stuff you can purchase down the street. The idea of going vegan shouldn't be terrifying or really that hard. It should be about awareness and caring about how you live in this world and what you do as a part of it. That and eating some good stuff.


The only "terrifying" thing is his collection of battle weapons. I mean, how do you chop a leek with a double bladed axe? Not too sure, but the Vegan Black Metal Chef makes it look so easy.

And fun.

By the fires ov Hell, the food was delightful

"The Seitanic Spellbook" needs to be in the collection of any serious home cook looking for options, vegetarians and vegans needing a well needed push into safer territories and for Metal fans because this man does it right. It's smart, it inventive, it cracked me up and above all it made me super hungry. I look at cookbooks all the time and this one actually had me panting and drooling. Best part is, there isn't one animal ingredient in any dish and I'd like to see Bobby Flay pull that off. Plus I don't think he could pull off the corpse paint either. Or maybe he could. I'd like to see him try.

Blessings and curses to you Vegan Black Metal Chef. This scroll of savory darkness is one to cherish and keep bound forever in a sarcophagus buried deep in the forlorn wastelands of Nefelheim only to be procured by the summoning imps beyond the freezing damnation mist when their hunger becomes malevolent.

Or keep convenient on top of the fridge like I do.

Either way.

We of the Tucson fold know our tacos, and these are good tacos

You can visit the Vegan Black Metal Chef HERE

Watch his videos HERE

Eventually buy the book but for now get it for your Kindle HERE

Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
In the Permafrost of Late Winter, 2016

Metal Influence:

GORGOROTH

"Carving A Giant"