What's That Smell? Oh, It's Romance In The Air!

It's that time again Homeskillet fans. Time to get snoogy woogy with your bestest love muffin, dole out perforated cards stating pre-drafted sentiment like "Use the force...and be mine!" and above all spend your hard earned dollar on big plush bears, dyed pink, scented like roses with doughy wet eyes holding a heart that says "I Wuv Wou!"

That's right! It's Valentine's Day and we at the Tucson Homeskillet are all about romance. We love food. We love booze. We love Metal. And...uh...well I'm sure there's more to life but at the time being we can't really think of anything else.

That said, the Tucson Homeskillet is here to help those that are stuck on what to do to court that special someone. It's not widely known, but Tucson is the romance capital of, um, anywhere between Phoenix and Nogales. Betcha didn't know that did you? Well...now you do! Yes, this fine city is chock full of enchantment and beguiling charms of the heart. In fact, the word Tucson comes from the native people's word for "city by the hills" and history has shown those hills were the curvaceous rump of a lovely O'odham lass named Becky who was the peach in a missionary named Rondor's eyes as he killed her family because they did not believe in Jesus. Afterwards, he put beans and mayo on a hot dog and, well, the rest you know.

So here are some things we came up with to get yourself magically whisked away into a incandescent rainbow colored tsunami of love and unplanned bulges as young hearts race and long term marriages begin to go through that "should we try something...weird...to make this work?" phase of their commitment. Yes, let us guide you into the thudding abyss of silk sheets, scattered flower petals and some hitchhiker named "Cody" and wiggle down the choo-choo tracks of  lust and questionable charges on your credit card.

You ready? Well bend over Methuselah because here comes the cupid juice!

Ignite The Passion At Furr's Family Buffet

When you walk through the door you and your valentine will be suddenly transported into another world. Bask in the glory as the local elders take in heaps of steamy "food" and cram it down with bottomless ice tea refills all the while getting confused by the sneeze guard. The look on the servers face alone with tell you what's on their mind: They're not in it for the money, oh no. They are in it for the excitement of it all, the occasional "Thank you sweetie" and waking up grandpa Jack when he goes face first in the pea soup.

The best part is that you two can gaze longingly into each others eyes over a potato product of some kind, knowing that you are, or are becoming, a couple as tables are nearly unoccupied let for one lonely soul, still looking for their mate I guess. Yes, even those in their golden years are still on the market as they stab green beans and enjoy the fine music of yesterday played through a dying Casio in speakers from the Nixon era. Sometimes the solitary dreamer just stares out into the ether wondering what the heck they just ate and where might their long lost heart's desire reside. Here at Furr's Family Feedbag, the old and companionless sit for hours doing just that and isn't it high time to get your fantastic journey of tender submission to the sweet gods of amour underway? We think so...

It also helps if you play old Tom Waits while eating and looking at the single seniors sitting on naugahyde and enjoying 1950's inspired cuisine.  It makes for lovely cabaret.

Take A Romantic Stroll Down Miracle Mile

Nothing says "Oh la la" like vintage neon signs, bowling alley churros and a $9 prostitute wearing a neck brace. Yes, Miracle Mile is a lovers stroll down the city's history. Just take it all in. No really, just lean your head back and breathe in deep.

Quite pungent isn't it? That's decades of frolic and antics from yesteryear. Sure there's the refurbished Monterey Court with it's newfangled shops and fruity art galleries along with that hoity toity cafe of theirs, but that's not what you're looking for, right? No! You're looking for an authentic Tucson adventure to ease your date into a state of wonder followed by a woozy foray that could almost be described as "straight roofied".

Might we suggest taking a tour of the historic Ghost Ranch? We might.

These days it isn't a ranch at all. In fact it's better than a ranch. It's an apartment complex!

Think about all the fun you kids can have by just knocking on doors and making new friends! It's like an instant Valentine's Day party. All you gotta do is knock, introduce yourselves, walk right in and help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. Perhaps going through their medicine cabinet can be the start of a muy romantico evening. What's that on the TV? A 'Criminal Minds' marathon? I say it's time to sit down on that couch with your new apartment pal, kick back and enjoy. Maybe slowly put your arm around your date as the man in the brown terrycloth robe phones the authorities. Smooth move there Don (or Joan) Juan.

After the cops take down your information and set you two loose on the streets, you need to embrace some of the higher quality culture that Miracle Mile boasts. This can only mean one thing:

It's time to take in the local dance theater that is TD's Showclub.

Ballerinas have nothing on these prima dancers, let me tell you. First of all, ballerinas don't glisten and shimmer with fairy dust, these ladies do. Ballerinas can't shimmy up and down a fireman's pole and do all sorts of Cirque du Soleil gymnastics as the dancers here can. And I'm sure ballerinas don't make that much money because these light on their feet fillies literally have cold hard cash thrown at them and all they have to do is become art models for a moment and sometimes wow you with their derriere dexterity. Really, it's quite the spectacle. One cheek goes this way, the other in another bouncy direction. Now that's talent!

If you two love birds get hungry, nothing says "I've got a crush on you" like various chicken parts doused in Tabasco water, or "here's lookin' at you kid" much like hockey pretzels slathered in a fine duck butter glaze and served with a kiddie pool filled with cheese squirt, all served up by a lady that didn't make the dancer cut so now she cuts herself at night just so she can feel something. Yessir. There's a bit of ol' Old Pueblo magic at TD's and when the coke raids start at midnight, you know your love will last forever.

Plus there are plenty of places to sleep on Miracle Mile, when that time arrives (wink wink). For less than $20 you can rest your love soaked head down on some rubber matted sheets and enjoy the rhythmical pastorale of folks expressing their Second Amendment rights, enthusiastically and more often than you anticipated. You'll find it hard to beat saying "good night dear one" like an angry pimp trying to explain to his female employee that she has not provided enough payment for the evening and he is now just wondering where the other payments might be residing. The coo of her desperate pleas will inspire many cloud puffed dreams as your neighbors violently make love to one another and call out the name of our Lord whilst the rapping of their headboard offsets the almost Christmas-like lights from squad cars fill your room with the warm glow of sheer heart racing bewitchment.

They don't call it "Miracle Mile" for nothing. The sheer benediction of this long stretch of road can only bring couples closer, reignite the passions of those long married and entice those that just locked eyes and know they will be together forever. And if that isn't a miracle...we don't want to know what one is.

Except for that one drunk guy warbling Dire Straits down at karaoke night at Nevada Smith's Saloon some evening. That wasn't just a miracle. It was something else making angels weep. Hopefully he will be available to croon you two into marital bliss because only true love can follow Chad from accounting five-rums-in squelching "Man in the Mirror". Let his song be your drift into wedded rapture!

Enjoy Our Signature Valentine's Cocktail 

Okay lovebirds, time for a nitecap. 

He likes beer while she prefers a good stiff drink. You are both reeling from the evening and noticed that you filled your pocket full of gravy from Furr's which just makes you two laugh and laugh. Not wanting to waste anything, especially this delicious and sensuous moment, you decide to make everyone happy so here is what you will need to set the mood for a night you will never forget:

1 part Rumple Minze

1 part Four Loko Malt Liquor Energy Drink

That day old gravy

Shake the Rumple Minze and Four Loko together. Strain in a dirty glass you got at the swap meet. Top with the gravy. Serve and enjoy. 

And what is the name of this mighty potion of desire?

A Rumple Four Skin

You're welcome Tucson. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Typing and Uploads
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Valentine's Day, 2016

Metal Influence:

GWAR

"I Hate Love Songs"

The Tucson Homeskillet Food Truck Spotlight: Presenting the Zany Beaver!

But before I get around to answering that age old question, let me tell you how I discovered not only poutine, but one of the best food trucks here in Tucson.

It was a chilly early autumn evening, She-Ra and I were at the pub when a shiny white van pulled up outside. The bartender informed us that a new food truck had volunteered to feed the hungry and cold drinking patrons inside.

"It's poutine", said the bartender. "Ever hear of it?"

Luckily, we have. Being big time cooks and fooders, we knew it was a Canadian comfort food which consisted of fries covered in gravy and topped with cheese curds. Sounds weird right? Yeah, we thought so too. But being not only food adventurous we were also quite hungry, so we went out to the truck to see what was going on.

The truck was called the Zany Beaver, the name alone made me love them immediately. It was run by a nice middle aged couple and they not only offered up the standard poutine fare, but also ones topped with bacon, and pulled pork and chicken and bacon and....wait, did I mention bacon already? Ah, who cares! Fries, gravy, cheese and bacon. Sold! So we placed our order and waited inside.

After a few minutes, the lady working the front window delivered two heaping bowls of the stuff. From the crisp night air, steam rose off the curds and gravy, the bacon glistened in the moonlight and fresh cut fries jutted out from under the weight of the toppings like a deep fried tentacled seabeast waiting to be devoured. It didn't take long for us to fork up, tuck in and go for it.

Let me tell you...it was glorious. For some divine reason, all of those flavors and components, together, freaking worked like a magical chalice of joy and carbs. It did not take long for us to become mega fans of not only poutine, but of the Zany Beaver.

So, to answer your question, here, my dear readers, is what poutine is:

Owned and operated by Canadian native husband and wife team Craig and Dianne Brewer, the Zany Beaver became a labor of love because both of them had pretty normal jobs before running a successful food truck.

"I worked as a photojournalist for many years with weekly and daily newspapers in Tucson, and Westfield, MA, " Dianne tells me as she hands off a bowl of goodness to a lucky customer. "Ironically I had a weekly food column in Westfield, featuring family favorite recipes that I wrote on. Craig has always worked in I.T., and still does."

I then had to know what was her early influence as far as food and cooking was.

"I would say my dad was a huge influence in cooking," Dianne muses.  "I would watch him throw things together in a pinch and always come up with some amazing meals that I now realize would be classified as stir fry these days. I always loved to dabble and experiment with cooking. Eating wise, I can go far back to my grandmother’s rice pudding. It’s a British dish. To this day it’s still one of my favorite treats. Unfortunately, my grandmother and only one of my aunts took it to their grave, and no one else in the family learned how to replicate it. All my cousins and myself are still trying to figure that one out."

Have some fries with those cheese curds? Yeah man!

With Canada, currently, being a culinary hub and go to location for serious chefs and eaters, I wanted to get her take on what defines Canadian cooking.

"Many, many different dishes. I love Quebecoise tortiere," she says with a flourish and smile. "It is a special meat pie made with ground pork and other ingredients that is prepared for special occasions. There's also salmon pie, fish and chips, shepherd’s pie, butter tarts, Nanaimo bars, pouding chomage, (which defines as a poor man’s pie) and, of course, poutine!"

Of course.

Check the poutine skills. Amazing!

 When it came time to quit their jobs and open up a food truck I just had to know...why poutine?

"Why not?", Dianne reacts with a chuckle. "I watched poutine make it’s trip across Canada once it crossed the Quebec border in the 1990’s as the wave continued over to British Columbia. And as it moved down the west coast of America into California, Arizona seemed to be the logical next step."

Dianne serving up poutine realness...

 

"Poutine starts with a base of French fries, then topped with cheese curds and gravy," she informed when I asked her to define the dish to those not in the know. "Traditionally, in Quebec, this was the go to dish. As it skipped across the country, others added variants to the dish, like meat, etc., and changed the concept. It is basically translated into a mess, but it’s oh so good! Imagine a fully loaded deep fried potato as compared to fries. It’s the same concept. It means good eats with beer after a long night for those who have never experienced this."

 

Poutine fully loaded!

So now that they knew they wanted to make poutine full time, I then had to know about how the concept came about.

"We were watching a food network show on deep fried anything one night. We made a joke about many things that we could deep fry. Somehow I got onto the concept of how I missed my poutine, and it was like a light went on over both our heads, and the concept was born from there."

 

Thank you for the concept because this is incredible...

"As for the name, well, my husband had this wacky idea which I’m not even going to delve into as a start," Dianne starts with a wink and nudge. "It was a little bit too risqué for myself. It did involve the word beaver though, as the beaver is actually Canada’s official animal, kind of how the eagle is in America. I knew I wanted that in my name, to communicate to fellow Canadians here. We agonized for months trying to figure out what would work with beaver, and it wasn’t until we were lost on a business trip in Phoenix one Sunday that we saw this billboard on the Interstate 17 advertising “Zany” prices on their product. We believe we got lost for a reason on that trip, because zany just seemed to go so well with beaver, and of course, it reflects some of my personality. We loved it!"

 

And Tucson loves you!

So Dianne and Craig had a concept, they knew what they wanted to serve up and after getting a name and a truck, their day to day goes something like this:

"Crazy long days," she admits looking a bit tired just talking about it. "Lots of product planning, ordering, and prepping on the truck, then traveling to events. It takes a lot of time. Once we get to the event, it’s either very very busy, or slow. It can be a lot of hurry up and wait, or hurry up and keep that line moving. I have sometimes been up at four in the morning to pick up supplies at the local restaurant supply stores, to finish the day by midnight or even later, when we get extremely busy."

On a busy night, gotta keep the line moving, keep those dupes rolling...

The highs of owning a food truck?

"The highs are working with the foodies (and fooders!) and the enjoyment of watching people as they sample their first poutine." 

And...the lows?

"The lows are the many many hours of off-site work that not everyone is aware of in what it takes to run a small business. A food truck is a small business, it involves accounting, paying taxes, filing tax returns, bookkeeping, budget planning, and great organizational skills to keep it going, as well as looking for and confirming events. One of the major major lows is when equipment on the truck, or something on the truck breaks. It can add up in loss of income and events."

Go face deep in the poutine goodness...

So what's next for the Zany Beaver?

"We have a lot of ideas that we’re tossing around at the moment," she mentions with a knowing glance. "We’re not sure quite what direction we’re heading in though. We fancy the idea of a brick and mortar in time, but we’re not quite sure where in town it would be most successful, and if we’re willing to take that plunge. We’ll just continue to keep on trucking for now."

Zany Beaver manager Cassie (L) with owner Dianne (R)

"My favorite dish varies on any given day," Dianne admits when I asked what her favorite menu item was. "One day I want to say chicken, then I lean over to bacon, then pork. I guess you can say that the menu was based on all my very favorites. In Quebec they have a specialty deli meat called 'smoked meat'. If ever there was a favorite poutine for me that is it, but unfortunately the ingredients in the brisket inhibit the sale of that product here in America."

For now, we here in Tucson just want to thank the Zany Beaver for even being here. Poutine isn't an everyday dish (well, for some it might be, but you gotta have uncanny gastro-dynamics) but it is a special treat when you see the bright white truck with the smiling beaver on the side. On those particularly cold days here in Tucson, or you've had 5 too many to drink or you wanna bulk up for that hike up to the K2, poutine is the ideal meal to get you motivated. It is luscious, it is decadent, it is dense and it is crazy delicious. The Zany Beaver have this Canadian comfort food on lock down and will most likely be the only real poutine game in town for quite some time. 

And we here at the Tucson Homeskillet, are perfectly alright with that. 

 Sante!

Camera and Typing

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

Late July, 2015

Metal Influence

Voivod, "Rrroooaaarrr"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRgLIq-SXEA