Erin Go BLARG!

I was probably around 7 or 8 years old the first time I had one.

There was a McDonald's across the street from the arcade I hung out in back in Glendale, CA where I grew up. This is the same McDonald's that my dad would take me to after a week at summer camp eating nothing but, well, summer camp food and the taste of a Quarter Pounder was like heaven to my greasy food deprived face. It was just central, fast and cheap so, yeah, I was there a good portion of my off school hours that is when I wasn't at the arcade or busting my head open skateboarding down Verdugo Avenue trying to get to the arcade.

In the 1970s, McDonald's offered up a green milkshake to commemorate St. Patrick's Day calling it, yes...the Shamrock Shake. At the time I really didn't care about a green milkshake. I mean, who does really? The shakes at McDonald's were so thick you nearly popped a vessel in your forehead just trying to get a taste by sucking way too hard on the straw. But when the sludge did finally make its way to the top, it wasn't all that great anyway, so the effort wasn't really worth it. I much preferred the shakes at Dairy Queen or even down at Thrifty Drug Store, so adding green food coloring into the mix didn't excite me.

That is until I saw a commercial introducing Grimace's "Irish" family member:

Uncle O'Grimacey.

Uncle O'Grimacey was just like Grimace except he was green, talked in a funny accent and seemed to be mad high by wanting to paint everything like the color of the Shamrock Shake. Being a fan of all things ridiculously stupid, Uncle O'Grimacey, for that reason alone, made me want to have a Shamrock Shake.

So when March rolled around and the McDonald's started selling the shakes again, I took some time off mastering Donkey Kong Junior to run across the street and try one. And, you know what? It was gross.

It tasted as if all they did was pour minty toothpaste into their vat of regular vanilla shakes and said, "Here! Drink this! Happy St. Patrick's Day sucker!" It was chalky, had a funky aftertaste and turned into a slurping diarrhea when it melted. Luckily it came with a fresh Uncle O'Grimacey hand puppet made out of crinkly clear plastic, so that at least made up for the disappointment of the pointless frosty drink. So I vowed to never again buy and drink the vile beverage again. No way. Never!

That is until recently...

The return of the cold green beast

For some reason this blog here makes me do stupid crap, so when St. Patrick's Day was on it's way, I knew I had to do one thing:

I had to get me a Shamrock Shake!

McMinty O' Leprechaun Shart

McDonald's through all the years has gone through so many changes and have introduced and executed endless concepts and dishes (I still miss the McDLT) but the past few years, riding on the mega success of Starbucks, McDonald's has instituted a similar twist on the trade stupidly called McCafe. You know, coffee drinks, smoothies, all that late '90s coffeehouse noise. And because of dorks like me getting old and turning to childhood establishments such as fast food chains going "Hey...why don't you bring back that failed garbage from the past and see if it works again? I like old school swill,"  McDoogal's have reintroduced the Shamrock Shake exclusively through their McWhoGivesACrap for the McPublic in Mc2016 to be McSuckedDown through a McStraw on McDay in McTucson which is located on McPlanetEarth.

So with that in mind I headed down to my local McCrefflins to get a McGreenPoopSwirly and share it with my good friend Chili, owner of our favorite bar, Danny's Baboquivari. You might remember Chili as my wing man when we ate free burgers at a strip club. Always up for a Homeskillet challenge, I know this one would be an easy one for him.

 Mainly because we plan to add McBooze to it.

Uncle O'Grimacey would be McProud

Here's the thing: McDonald's stepped up their Shamrock Shake game. The thing wasn't bad. In fact, it was actually pretty tasty. Not too thick with a distinct mint element and a welcome refreshment on a warm pre-spring day.

But enough of that. Let's get down to real Homeskillet business here.

You ready? Because here it is...

Our Top Three Booze and Shamrock Shake pairings!

Let's do this

First one was a whiskey, an obvious choice for a St. Patrick's Day taste test. Our idea was to do a shot of the hooch then suck down a good draw of the shake. We tried combining the two in a tumbler but...it didn't work. The odd pre-made concoction that makes up the Shamrock Shake only enveloped the alcohol turning it into a coagulated mush, so we opted for plan B:

A shot and shake back.

Let the great experiment begin!

Right, now, we may get some flack for this but...we defied and forgo'd the Jameson. Why you may ask? Well, honestly, because it was a too easy and an obvious choice. Plus Jameson is kind of a basic beyotch when it comes to St. Patty's Day and we wanted something a bit more, oh, shall we say...smoky and austere? We shall!

But we're not busting on Jameson...we love Jameson! It's just, well, you know...

The shot of choice for this challenge ended up being a good barrel aged Dewars, mainly because the peaty-ness and effervescence of the bottle could offset the bullpucky "smooth" of the shake, which ended up being a kind of 'fire and ice' capade of flavors and textures.

"It's like I first swallowed gas and then a minty extinguisher came to my rescue," noted Chili. And I was in agreement. The raspy harsh of a good scotch compared to the McBlerfens of the shake was incorrigible on the palate. Think of eating a bunch of red hots and suffering for a spell then a magic whipped cream siren swooped by and kissed a herbaceous respite onto your tingling tongue.

It was sort of like that but...not really. It tasted like we did a shot of warm scotch then horked down a good pull of icy green spew to calm the unfortunate wake. Like I said, through trial and error, this was the least offensive. The contrast was fun but there were two others that reigned slightly supreme over this combo.

"Is it like I'm small and the shake is really huge?" Um, maybe but....you're just out of focus

Some culinary snots have "reinvented" the Shamrock Shake adding all sorts of upscale non-sense and unnecessary infusions and deconstructions. One though actually added a splash of tequila. That...seemed reasonable. But, for us, at the time, I dunno, tequila just didn't make the cut. Maybe it was the grade of tequila we had on hand, El Enfermedad del Higado, that wasn't such a pleasant coupling. But, regardless, we pressed on!

We were thinking mint so we paired the shake with Rumple Minze, which has a very distinct peppermint shock along with the click of clear alcohol. This match was one made in a near frozen bliss temple.

"It feels like I am shushing, yes...shushing down the slopes of the snowy alps," beamed Chili, "and then landed straight into a bar filled with Swiss misses wearing only boots and hockey masks."

Couldn't have put it better myself.

So if you want a wintry swath to lead you down a lurid McShameHole then I highly advocate the drinking of these two in tandem.

So many options but only three made the cut

The last one and probably the most accessible combination was the use of whipped vanilla vodka. Honestly these two together was a deadly duo. It went down way too effortless and we could see ourselves drinking ten. Easily.

"If only we could harness the mystery and magic of the Shamrock Shake," Chili said while rubbing his scruffy chin, "and get it going with the whipped vodka here...we could make a fortune!"

That, right then and there, gave me a brilliant idea. Taking notes from the shake I drank and despised as a kid, along with the upgrade of the ones we were drinking at present, I plotted a recipe that could easily put the McCorporate World onto its greedy and trembling ears and tongues.

So I left the bar, grabbed some ingredients at the store and headed home.

Then...the magic began!

After a few McShots it was time for some well needed McFoghat

Lil Poundcake wasn't impressed until I put fish nibblets in it

Inspiration! That's the only word I can collect at this frame of genius. Wanting to recreate the powdery and anemic flavor of the 1970s Shamrock Shake with the improved flavor of it's 2016 successor along with my own "take" on the whole recipe, I gathered a few simple ingredients and this is what I came up with:

Girl Scout's Thin Mints, Minty Toothpaste and Rinse, Ice Cream, Whipped Cream and Jagermeister

If you want to try this at home it's really easy. Here...follow me!

Combine two scoops of vanilla ice cream with a few Thin Mint cookies in a blender and spin 'em until relatively smooth.

Set the blender on low and slowly add the toothpaste and mouthwash. Once you get it to a good green whirlpool, turn the blender off and do a shot of Jager.

Can you smell that? That's talent!

Pour the mixture into an old beer stein, top with whipped cream and a methaqualone horse pill and you're all set.

Then sit back, enjoy a plate of corned beef and cabbage and sip away at the drink that only dreams and memories are made of. This delight shines bright of not only the past, but definitely the present and, could it be?, yes!, the future.

The effects of this Darby O'Gill and the Little Trip to the Hospital will delight and make for a most memorable St. Patrick's Day. It's like sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold filled with stomach pumps and eternal regret.

Slainte!

So good you'll never want to make it again

Happy St. Patrick's Day from all of us at the Tucson Homeskilet!

PS: Don't try any of this at home or...anywhere. Duh!

Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
St. Patrick's Day, 2016

Metal Influence:

 HIGH ON FIRE

"Snakes For The Divine"

What's That Smell? Oh, It's Romance In The Air!

It's that time again Homeskillet fans. Time to get snoogy woogy with your bestest love muffin, dole out perforated cards stating pre-drafted sentiment like "Use the force...and be mine!" and above all spend your hard earned dollar on big plush bears, dyed pink, scented like roses with doughy wet eyes holding a heart that says "I Wuv Wou!"

That's right! It's Valentine's Day and we at the Tucson Homeskillet are all about romance. We love food. We love booze. We love Metal. And...uh...well I'm sure there's more to life but at the time being we can't really think of anything else.

That said, the Tucson Homeskillet is here to help those that are stuck on what to do to court that special someone. It's not widely known, but Tucson is the romance capital of, um, anywhere between Phoenix and Nogales. Betcha didn't know that did you? Well...now you do! Yes, this fine city is chock full of enchantment and beguiling charms of the heart. In fact, the word Tucson comes from the native people's word for "city by the hills" and history has shown those hills were the curvaceous rump of a lovely O'odham lass named Becky who was the peach in a missionary named Rondor's eyes as he killed her family because they did not believe in Jesus. Afterwards, he put beans and mayo on a hot dog and, well, the rest you know.

So here are some things we came up with to get yourself magically whisked away into a incandescent rainbow colored tsunami of love and unplanned bulges as young hearts race and long term marriages begin to go through that "should we try something...weird...to make this work?" phase of their commitment. Yes, let us guide you into the thudding abyss of silk sheets, scattered flower petals and some hitchhiker named "Cody" and wiggle down the choo-choo tracks of  lust and questionable charges on your credit card.

You ready? Well bend over Methuselah because here comes the cupid juice!

Ignite The Passion At Furr's Family Buffet

When you walk through the door you and your valentine will be suddenly transported into another world. Bask in the glory as the local elders take in heaps of steamy "food" and cram it down with bottomless ice tea refills all the while getting confused by the sneeze guard. The look on the servers face alone with tell you what's on their mind: They're not in it for the money, oh no. They are in it for the excitement of it all, the occasional "Thank you sweetie" and waking up grandpa Jack when he goes face first in the pea soup.

The best part is that you two can gaze longingly into each others eyes over a potato product of some kind, knowing that you are, or are becoming, a couple as tables are nearly unoccupied let for one lonely soul, still looking for their mate I guess. Yes, even those in their golden years are still on the market as they stab green beans and enjoy the fine music of yesterday played through a dying Casio in speakers from the Nixon era. Sometimes the solitary dreamer just stares out into the ether wondering what the heck they just ate and where might their long lost heart's desire reside. Here at Furr's Family Feedbag, the old and companionless sit for hours doing just that and isn't it high time to get your fantastic journey of tender submission to the sweet gods of amour underway? We think so...

It also helps if you play old Tom Waits while eating and looking at the single seniors sitting on naugahyde and enjoying 1950's inspired cuisine.  It makes for lovely cabaret.

Take A Romantic Stroll Down Miracle Mile

Nothing says "Oh la la" like vintage neon signs, bowling alley churros and a $9 prostitute wearing a neck brace. Yes, Miracle Mile is a lovers stroll down the city's history. Just take it all in. No really, just lean your head back and breathe in deep.

Quite pungent isn't it? That's decades of frolic and antics from yesteryear. Sure there's the refurbished Monterey Court with it's newfangled shops and fruity art galleries along with that hoity toity cafe of theirs, but that's not what you're looking for, right? No! You're looking for an authentic Tucson adventure to ease your date into a state of wonder followed by a woozy foray that could almost be described as "straight roofied".

Might we suggest taking a tour of the historic Ghost Ranch? We might.

These days it isn't a ranch at all. In fact it's better than a ranch. It's an apartment complex!

Think about all the fun you kids can have by just knocking on doors and making new friends! It's like an instant Valentine's Day party. All you gotta do is knock, introduce yourselves, walk right in and help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. Perhaps going through their medicine cabinet can be the start of a muy romantico evening. What's that on the TV? A 'Criminal Minds' marathon? I say it's time to sit down on that couch with your new apartment pal, kick back and enjoy. Maybe slowly put your arm around your date as the man in the brown terrycloth robe phones the authorities. Smooth move there Don (or Joan) Juan.

After the cops take down your information and set you two loose on the streets, you need to embrace some of the higher quality culture that Miracle Mile boasts. This can only mean one thing:

It's time to take in the local dance theater that is TD's Showclub.

Ballerinas have nothing on these prima dancers, let me tell you. First of all, ballerinas don't glisten and shimmer with fairy dust, these ladies do. Ballerinas can't shimmy up and down a fireman's pole and do all sorts of Cirque du Soleil gymnastics as the dancers here can. And I'm sure ballerinas don't make that much money because these light on their feet fillies literally have cold hard cash thrown at them and all they have to do is become art models for a moment and sometimes wow you with their derriere dexterity. Really, it's quite the spectacle. One cheek goes this way, the other in another bouncy direction. Now that's talent!

If you two love birds get hungry, nothing says "I've got a crush on you" like various chicken parts doused in Tabasco water, or "here's lookin' at you kid" much like hockey pretzels slathered in a fine duck butter glaze and served with a kiddie pool filled with cheese squirt, all served up by a lady that didn't make the dancer cut so now she cuts herself at night just so she can feel something. Yessir. There's a bit of ol' Old Pueblo magic at TD's and when the coke raids start at midnight, you know your love will last forever.

Plus there are plenty of places to sleep on Miracle Mile, when that time arrives (wink wink). For less than $20 you can rest your love soaked head down on some rubber matted sheets and enjoy the rhythmical pastorale of folks expressing their Second Amendment rights, enthusiastically and more often than you anticipated. You'll find it hard to beat saying "good night dear one" like an angry pimp trying to explain to his female employee that she has not provided enough payment for the evening and he is now just wondering where the other payments might be residing. The coo of her desperate pleas will inspire many cloud puffed dreams as your neighbors violently make love to one another and call out the name of our Lord whilst the rapping of their headboard offsets the almost Christmas-like lights from squad cars fill your room with the warm glow of sheer heart racing bewitchment.

They don't call it "Miracle Mile" for nothing. The sheer benediction of this long stretch of road can only bring couples closer, reignite the passions of those long married and entice those that just locked eyes and know they will be together forever. And if that isn't a miracle...we don't want to know what one is.

Except for that one drunk guy warbling Dire Straits down at karaoke night at Nevada Smith's Saloon some evening. That wasn't just a miracle. It was something else making angels weep. Hopefully he will be available to croon you two into marital bliss because only true love can follow Chad from accounting five-rums-in squelching "Man in the Mirror". Let his song be your drift into wedded rapture!

Enjoy Our Signature Valentine's Cocktail 

Okay lovebirds, time for a nitecap. 

He likes beer while she prefers a good stiff drink. You are both reeling from the evening and noticed that you filled your pocket full of gravy from Furr's which just makes you two laugh and laugh. Not wanting to waste anything, especially this delicious and sensuous moment, you decide to make everyone happy so here is what you will need to set the mood for a night you will never forget:

1 part Rumple Minze

1 part Four Loko Malt Liquor Energy Drink

That day old gravy

Shake the Rumple Minze and Four Loko together. Strain in a dirty glass you got at the swap meet. Top with the gravy. Serve and enjoy. 

And what is the name of this mighty potion of desire?

A Rumple Four Skin

You're welcome Tucson. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Typing and Uploads
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Valentine's Day, 2016

Metal Influence:

GWAR

"I Hate Love Songs"