Unfinished Blog #2 : TOP GOLF

Okay this one was a bit weird.

What was supposed to be a humorous take on a "stranger in a strange land" type of scenario (aka me in an upscale driving range golf concept, say no more) totally backfired. And it was all my fault.

The nice people at TopGolf sent me an invite to their media night for the new one that just opened in Marana and after I had a few free drinks in me I posted on social media calling the whole event a "wank".

What made it worse is that someone I know got a job there and she had a talking to by the higher ups asking what my comment was all about and, yeah... Not good.

So let me apologize to everyone at TopGolf for being a turd that night. If it helps I was also on the cusp of being sick so I was edgy going in. But still.

Thing is, I had a totally good time. Now, I am not much of a golfer...hold up, let me rephrase that: I AM NOT A GOLFER!, so getting the chance to hang out at a place I would probably not go to voluntarily was really cool. The place is huge. Three levels of bars, driving ranges, restaurants, etc - TopGolf is set up to be a destination for corporate events, parties and general sporty mirth. Oh and is equipped with like 500 humongous 3D plasma screens. Again, not my scene but it is for a lot of people who got the cash.

The food was really tasty. We got to sample rare prime rib, charcuterie boards, cheesy meatballs, amouse bouche bites and dessert balls that you get to inject cream into. All of it was good. But this was just media night fare. The regular menu includes chicken and waffle sliders, flatbread pizzas, brisket grilled cheese sandwiches, a kids menu and best of all...tater tots.

How can I insult a place that serves tater tots? Idiot!

Thing is after my gaffe I'm sure I wont be invited back so if I want to eat that food I'm going to have to go in incognito and, sigh, pay for it myself. Oh the humanity!

But I deserve it. What I should have done is just added an S to that word and the whole thing would have been 'swank'. Then things wouldn't have gotten sticky. Or at least as sticky.

Not to mention but we also got free water bottles as we exited. I insult a place after drinking and eating on their tab alongside getting a gift? C'mon man.

For all my smarts, sometimes I am just not that bright.

Anyway, that said here are the pics I took from the media event and I'm sure you'll get an idea of what you are in store for when you visit TopGolf.

Oh and I  removed all of the posts once I got word that the wank hit the fan. So...we/I got that going for us/me.

Cheers!

Spiffy

Can't go wrong with a meat and cheese board

Bacon with a side of sprouts

Bite sized nibbles

There's a lot of balls at this place

You get to inject cream into these balls

Very Metal

S'long Top Golf!

Eating, Drinking and Not Golfing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Early December, 2017

Metal Influence:

HIGH ON FIRE

"Fertile Green"

The Tucson Homeskillet Chills With The Good People Over At Isabella's Ice Cream. Well...All Both Of Them.

It was a little while ago when we first heard about Isabella's Ice Cream. We were at the Rincon Market, just there to pick up some fish or something, when we came across a curious installment. There was this old timey delivery truck parked inside which turned out to be a sort of ice cream service station. It was a warm day (as most days are here in Tucson anyway) so we figured...why not? Let's grab a cone as we decide on whether to get the snapper or the grouper.

Pretty sure we just ended up getting sandwiches at the deli.

Anyway, as we were walking around the shop the only solid thing we could make an agreement on was how amazing the ice cream were were eating tasted. The flavors were prefect, even if they were just a solid vanilla and chocolate. Smooth, creamy and very very fresh. Going back to the Model T to get some information we were thrilled to find that this Isabella's Ice Cream was locally made and sourced. Awesome. A Tucson owned and operated business employing locals and putting out an extremely tasty product. Good on them.

 Later when we were able to do some research on the good folks at Isabella's we were shocked, and dutifully impressed, to find that the only real employees there were the owners and operators: Just two.

A husband and wife team.

Kristel and Dominic doing what they do best in a pretty small work area

Yep, that's right. Just two core workers are behind the genius that is Isabella's and because of this the Tucson Homeskillet just had to get down and hang out with them to see how it is all done.

Kristel and Dominic Johnson are the force and flurry behind their business. Kristel originally hails from Elmhurst, Illinois but moved to Scottsdale when she was a little girl. Dominic comes from a spot in the Caribbean called St. Lucia and was an Olympic pole vaulter in three separate games. Both of them now call Tucson home, not only because of their business, but because of their family and how they met in the first place.

The machines of (cool) loving grace

"Dominic and I met at the U of A," Kristel says in their tiny work space just off of 17th Street. "We met through a common friend and started dating during my senior year. Dominic graduated two years earlier but still based his track training at the university with the same coaches he had when he was a student. As for me I just happened to stay in Tucson after graduating."

And we are glad they decided to stay here. Having Isabella's Ice Cream anywhere else would seem, well...just not cool.

Um, let's see...yes please

Checking out the few machines in their space, we wanted to know how the concept of Isabella's came about in the first place.

"Eight years ago, when our daughters were very little, we lived in this big master planned community," sites Kristel, "and one day this super creepy ice cream truck drove by the house. I'm sure you know the type (note: oh yes we do and we know you do to: windowless vans bleating out broke down hurdy gurdy music selling sad faces of super heroes in ice cream formation...yeah, those). Anyway, Dominic saw this and simply said 'Oh there has got to be a better way'. So, initially, our concept was to create a 'non-creepy' ice cream truck.

"So we started with the concept of the truck. We wanted to use the beauty and charm of the past and combine it with the technology of today. Isabella's is based on being both socially and environmentally responsible. Then I decided to create a product we feel confident serving to our daughters."

Proud ice cream maker and environmental advocate

Ok, so, the anti creep factor on the ice cream trucks, done. They got themselves a couple of beautiful Model T's, restored them and made them look like something you'd feel safe buying a food product from.

But then, the best part was implemented: Those old Model T's were redesigned to be 100% electric. That's right. No fuel emissions, no diesel pollution, none of that. Isabella's ice cream trucks are totally green adding to their tagline:

Delicious and good for the Earth!

We can get down with that.

Just a day in the life of Isabella's

"It's all about being environmentally friendly," notes Kristel as she shows us around the various trucks. "These are full electric powered trucks with solar panels on the roof that run the freezers. Our ice cream is literally 'frozen by the sun'...and we just had that term trademarked!

"When we bought our first truck there was no engine. Dominic rebuilt the truck and the woody body and replaced it with reclaimed basketball court flooring. Again, this is us being totally green focused. We didn't need to go fast so the trucks top off at 40mph...but go a lot faster if we're going downhill! That is a perfect speed for going around town.

"The only downside to being electric is having a driving range of about 30 to 40 miles, so we have to re-charge. If we have events that are more than 18 miles away, we can't drive them there. Another problem is if we forget to charge the trucks. A full charge takes about 8 hours and we just can't pull over and stop for gas."

Olympic pole vaulting has nothing on running your own business

Not only are their solar panels made locally by a company called Global Solar but their freezers are made here in Tucson too by the green energy company Sundanzer. So obviously Kristel and Dominic are really connected to their Tucson green energy and business foundation. Pretty sure they source local for their ingredients when they can right?

"Oh of course," nods Kristel in a matter of fact tone. "Living and raising our daughters in Tucson is our choice. Obviously we want to support local as much as possible. It's not always easy and I've had to do some research, but we are very passionate about it. Obviously there are some ingredients we can't source local, such as the cocoa and vanilla beans, but we make sure to source from purveyors who are focused on sustainability.

"Tucson has grown our business, embraced us and we are so grateful!"

On a hot day, this is all you need...on any day really

"Ice cream production is a two step, two day process," Kristel instructed when we asked for them to take us on a day-in-the-life-of Isabella's. "Typically we are making a batch or two, or three or even four, of ice cream in the pasteurizer, or churning, the ice cream. Our pasteurization process involves combining the fresh ingredients, the milk, cream, egg yolk and sugar, into the pasteurizer. Once the 36 gallon batch reaches a temperature of 160 degrees, we "pasteurize", or hold the temperature, for 30 minutes.

"We then empty the pasteurizer into 3 or 5 gallon buckets and add the ingredients such as vanilla beans, dried lavender, hand made caramel, for example. The ice cream ages overnight in the cooler and then it is ready to be churned.

"We churn our ice cream in either a 3 gallon batch freezer or a 10 gallon batch freezer and both take approximately 8 minutes to churn and freeze the ice cream. Once completed, the ice cream has the texture of soft serve. We then put the ice cream into single serve containers, 1.5 gallon pans or 3 gallon containers depending on the order we are fulfilling. If our team is working very hard, we can stuff 1,000 pints of ice cream in about 4 to 5 hours!

"We are always moving at the creamery, very little down time. Mondays through Thursdays are typical production days and Fridays through Sunday normally are catering events with the trucks. So there is never a set day off."

The lavender vanilla? Oh man...so good

Whew. Just listening to that made us tired. We always knew that running a small business was challenging but a small business that is gaining in popularity with a limited staff is even more exhausting. Other than time and space constraints, we wanted to know what other obstacles Kristel and Dominic face on a regular basis.

"The heat!," Kristel immediately blurts out. "Summer in Tucson is brutal and our business goes up and down. July is usually dead as is January, that is until the gem show starts, so it's a rollercoaster for production planning, logistics, stuff like that.

"We are also focused on the distribution of our products throughout the southwest, so once the ice cream is loaded onto a delivery truck and is shipped across the desert to California, Nevada or even across the Pacific to Hawaii, yes!, Isabella's is now going to Hawaii!, we have no control over that. So that makes me nervous.

"But ice cream is fun!" she chirps up. "It's busy and stressful running all aspects of the business as it grows and we've had to figure out a lot along the way, but it's amazing to see a concept that we just 'thought up' literally come to fruition.

"It's also incredible to think about all of the people that are buying and eating the ice cream that I personally created. That is a huge compliment!"

Kristel breaking it down for us

During this whole time hanging out with Kristel and Dominic we were lucky enough to get to sample some of the goods. They had a whiskey chocolate that was unreal and a cinnamon swirl that was totally outrageous. But out of all of their creations we just had to wonder what they consider their signature flavor.

"Oh, it's the lavender vanilla, by far," Kristel pops with a confident smile. "Probably followed by the salted caramel pecan, which is super popular."

We had both and we couldn't decide either. We're sure you will do the same because all of Isabella's creations are delicious. It sort of took us back to being at the market: Do we want salmon or carp? Vanilla or chocolate?

Better get one of each because it's all so so tasty.

1,000 International Champion? Oh wait...never mind, we see it

As we made our way out of their work space and back into the hot summer sun, one more question arose as we said goodbye to Kristel and Dominic:

Just where do you see yourselves and Isabella's in the next couple of years?

Kristel tipped her head a bit and said with a nod, "Our focus now, over the next couple of years, is to franchise our trucks in the same market, here in the pacific southwest, as we have our ice cream in. We want people to buy our ice cream at the stores, hire the trucks for catering and parties, buy from the trucks at various food truck events, not only here in Tucson but other cities as well. In California and, well...who knows?

"We just want to be the non-creepy ice cream truck in your town."

By the way, the company is named after one of their daughters. Did we mention that? Well...now we did.

Just two spoons to heaven

Not only are the trucks not creepy but the ice cream itself is far from being grody as well. Far far from it. In fact, it is some of the best ice cream we have had here or anywhere else on our culinary adventures. And that is saying a lot.

You can find Isabella's at (obviously) the Rincon Market but also at Johnny Gibson's downtown, Time Market, and the Food Conspiracy Co-Op. Plus you can purchase their stuff in most Whole Foods across Arizona, Nevada, California and now Hawaii. How amazing is that?

You can also get some Isabella's when you're at the Loft Cinema, The Hilton El Conquistador, Renee's Organic Oven, 1702 Pizza, Leura's Mexican Food, Augustin Kitchen, Seis Kitchen and Boca Tacos y Tequila.

To see where Isabella's are going to be for food truck events, you need to follow them on Facebook HERE.

Thank you Kristel and Dominic. Your ice cream rules, your environmental vision and activism rules and, above all, you guys rule.

Cheers!

Just awesome people putting out an awesome product

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
A Couple of Days After the 4th of July, 2016

Metal Influence:

HIGH ON FIRE

"Frost Hammer"

Pure Deliciousness Hidden In Plain Sight

Nothing survives in that spot.

For years now I have witnessed so many restaurant concepts come and go in that area. You might know the stretch I'm talking about here, the one behind Old Chicago and Sauce on Campbell Avenue in the Campbell Plaza. Better known as the restaurant black hole.

I'm serious here. Not even a Papa John's Pizza made it out of there alive. Countless eateries, even some with a strong following and fan base, would eventually find themselves too cloistered behind the well visible heavy hitters up front near the busy byway. Upscale wine bars, fast casual hot wing joints, a frozen yogurt outlet, so on and so forth, just couldn't take the heat of no foot traffic so they eventually had to close their doors due to lack of business.

Well, I am pretty confident that trend is going to come to an end soon.

Now that a very popular breakfast and lunch eatery that packs them in everyday has taken up residency in the back lot restaurant vortex, right next door is a place that has been open for barely a year now and has already been hailed as one of the best sushi and Japanese restaurants in not only Tucson but Southern Arizona in general.

I give you: K Sushi.

Chef doing what he does best

Taking up residence where the old Yuki's used to be, K Sushi quietly opened up and has been slowly burning a trail to Asian fare greatness. When it did take over in the shell of a once mighty contender in the sushi ring, a lot of us just rolled our eyes and went "Yeah, good luck with that. Nothing survives in that area."

But then one day my wife, She-Ra, who is head bartender and supervisor for the juggernaut that is Old Chicago, decided to walk over and get a roll from K Sushi during a break just to check it out.

"OMG," she texted me that day, "that new sushi place is the bomb."

The bomb she said!

After that she has been a regular customer. Then other food minded friends started piping up about K Sushi, Facebooking and Tweeting images of their wares. Their Yelp page is essentially nothing but 4-5 stars. Instagrams of their ramen and rolls were to be had by various folk impressed enough to share their dining experience there with the world. Alright, I guess this new sushi joint is legit. Let's give it a shot.

So on a rather hot early May day, the Tucson Homeskillet just had to to pop in and see what all the cheering was about.

Green mussels about to go down

First off, we were the only ones there. The parking lot was packed but that was obvious due to the hot new kid in town serving up egg benedicts next door or my wife's place with 110 beers in her selection taking predominance in front. We thought maybe some of those parked around here might be inside K Sushi keeping cool from the near 100 degree heat outside, but...nope.

Just us.

At first I thought this was a sign for what we were about to consume. If a restaurant is this slow on a weekday lunch hour then some caution should be considered. But it didn't matter. We were here, we were hungry and we wanted to see if the hype was correct.

We were greeted at the door by a young and smiling girl who quickly sat us on a comfortable booth near a window. After ordering drinks we began to ponder the rather, uh, generous menu that takes up three different plastic protected folios, each scattered with various options ranging from ramen, to rolls, to sashimi to salads, to... You know, if you've been to a nice sushi restaurant you know what I'm getting at here.

"But you have to get the Bear Down Roll," She-Ra insisted. "It is literally the best thing ever."

So we ordered up a decent selection of stuff to sample and sat back and waited for the outcome.

Sashimi plate was inspired and amazing

As per usual, we got miso soup right up front. It was light and brothy and very tasty if not slightly understated. Then came the edamame. Again, perfect. Hot, salty with each pod delivering a nice chewy bite. So far so good. I mean, if a sushi restaurant screws up miso soup and edamame then my guess is that the food to follow is going to be reflected by the basics: It's probably going to suck.

Our first two introductions definitely did not suck.

Soon after, the real stuff started coming out.

First up was the green mussels. Green mussels? No, chill, it's not the color of the actual mussel itself but the shell they come in. Gosh. These things were really tasty and very well composed. Lightly seared with a topping of a good spicy mayo and then finished with masago and toasted sesame seeds on a bed of perfectly cooked rice. The rice itself actually soaks up some of the run off from the mussel and mayo so you kind of can just pick one up and suck it down like any good hand held shell fish. Thing is, you get two mussels in one shell so for two people this item was a perfect way to start the sushi fest.

Now we were excited to see what was coming up next.

Dynamite Roll: spicy, creamy, delicious

Second we were treated to the fantastic and immaculate sashimi platter. Each cut of the salmon, yellow tail, tuna and white tuna was so fresh and flavorful that we temporarily forgot that we were in a land locked state. With tobiko and scallions covering the yellow tail that feature easily became my favorite. I mean, every piece was amazing but...c'mon. This was melt in your mouth heaven.

For real, just go back two pictures and take in the presentation that K Sushi delivers. Was it because we were the only ones in there at the time? Doubtful. With much obvious ardor that platter was constructed and considered and for that we were very grateful.

Now things were about to only get better.

The Bear Down Roll, aka quite possibly the best thing you will eat anytime soon

The Dynamite Roll was a volcano tower consisting of a California Roll that is paired with baked small sea scallops and then finished with a spicy drizzle of a house awesome dressing. The word decadent comes to mind when savoring each bite with a good fiery sting that lingers after you finish. At this point we were sort of getting close to the wall but carried on because, hey...you knew the job was dangerous when you took it.

Then, yes, the much sought after and much applauded Bear Down Roll made it to the table. This thing was huge, long, intimidating. Stuffed with incredible shrimp tempura, the Bear Down is also covered with avocado, spicy kani (crab) and drizzled with a house spicy sauce. Think crunch, think savory, think spice, think full fatty goodness...yes, the Bear Down Roll is one of the best things I have eaten in quite some time and now I owe my wife an apology for thinking otherwise. We couldn't stop eating it and when it was gone, we missed it. Sure we were full but it didn't matter. The flavors happening at that moment were too irresistible to, um...resist.

Trust us here.

Finally we were treated to the Aburi Salmon, something we were not expecting. Two precision cuts of salmon on a bed of rice were seared with a blow torch and finished with a lush sauce that delivered a bit of heat, then on top of that spice we got two big pieces of garden fresh jalapenos. Strictly sumptuous and well crafted with that sneaky burn factor that mind the back of the tongue; an extol scorch for an exquisite lingering sushi session.

To put things in perspective: K Sushi may be new to Tucson but we have a feeling they will be doing what they do here for a bit of time to come. At least we hope so.

No. They will.

Aburi Salmon, slightly charred and mostly incredible

And what exactly does the K stand for? Well, it happens to be the first letter in the last name of the family that runs and owns the place.

Kwan.

That's right, the Kwan family are Chinese, in fact they all hail from Hong Kong. Cool right? So a Chinese family living in Tucson is serving up some of the best Japanese food here or anywhere. For that alone the Tucson Homeskillet salutes them. That'd be like me going to India and operating a Jamaican food stand. Think about that.

You know what...that doesn't sound half bad.

Regardless, you need to get to K Sushi as soon as you can before they get as busy as their neighbors. I heard their ramen was amazing too. So I better stop typing and get moving along the old ramen trail here and get back to K Sushi.

Hopefully, you'll be there too.

Cheers!

Thank you K Sushi!

K Sushi Bar Japanese Restaurant

2962 N. Campbell Ave, Tucson AZ

520-305-4117

http://kjprestaurant.wix.com/home

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Star Wars Day, 2016

Metal Influence:

HIGH ON FIRE

"Bastard Samurai" 

Erin Go BLARG!

I was probably around 7 or 8 years old the first time I had one.

There was a McDonald's across the street from the arcade I hung out in back in Glendale, CA where I grew up. This is the same McDonald's that my dad would take me to after a week at summer camp eating nothing but, well, summer camp food and the taste of a Quarter Pounder was like heaven to my greasy food deprived face. It was just central, fast and cheap so, yeah, I was there a good portion of my off school hours that is when I wasn't at the arcade or busting my head open skateboarding down Verdugo Avenue trying to get to the arcade.

In the 1970s, McDonald's offered up a green milkshake to commemorate St. Patrick's Day calling it, yes...the Shamrock Shake. At the time I really didn't care about a green milkshake. I mean, who does really? The shakes at McDonald's were so thick you nearly popped a vessel in your forehead just trying to get a taste by sucking way too hard on the straw. But when the sludge did finally make its way to the top, it wasn't all that great anyway, so the effort wasn't really worth it. I much preferred the shakes at Dairy Queen or even down at Thrifty Drug Store, so adding green food coloring into the mix didn't excite me.

That is until I saw a commercial introducing Grimace's "Irish" family member:

Uncle O'Grimacey.

Uncle O'Grimacey was just like Grimace except he was green, talked in a funny accent and seemed to be mad high by wanting to paint everything like the color of the Shamrock Shake. Being a fan of all things ridiculously stupid, Uncle O'Grimacey, for that reason alone, made me want to have a Shamrock Shake.

So when March rolled around and the McDonald's started selling the shakes again, I took some time off mastering Donkey Kong Junior to run across the street and try one. And, you know what? It was gross.

It tasted as if all they did was pour minty toothpaste into their vat of regular vanilla shakes and said, "Here! Drink this! Happy St. Patrick's Day sucker!" It was chalky, had a funky aftertaste and turned into a slurping diarrhea when it melted. Luckily it came with a fresh Uncle O'Grimacey hand puppet made out of crinkly clear plastic, so that at least made up for the disappointment of the pointless frosty drink. So I vowed to never again buy and drink the vile beverage again. No way. Never!

That is until recently...

The return of the cold green beast

For some reason this blog here makes me do stupid crap, so when St. Patrick's Day was on it's way, I knew I had to do one thing:

I had to get me a Shamrock Shake!

McMinty O' Leprechaun Shart

McDonald's through all the years has gone through so many changes and have introduced and executed endless concepts and dishes (I still miss the McDLT) but the past few years, riding on the mega success of Starbucks, McDonald's has instituted a similar twist on the trade stupidly called McCafe. You know, coffee drinks, smoothies, all that late '90s coffeehouse noise. And because of dorks like me getting old and turning to childhood establishments such as fast food chains going "Hey...why don't you bring back that failed garbage from the past and see if it works again? I like old school swill,"  McDoogal's have reintroduced the Shamrock Shake exclusively through their McWhoGivesACrap for the McPublic in Mc2016 to be McSuckedDown through a McStraw on McDay in McTucson which is located on McPlanetEarth.

So with that in mind I headed down to my local McCrefflins to get a McGreenPoopSwirly and share it with my good friend Chili, owner of our favorite bar, Danny's Baboquivari. You might remember Chili as my wing man when we ate free burgers at a strip club. Always up for a Homeskillet challenge, I know this one would be an easy one for him.

 Mainly because we plan to add McBooze to it.

Uncle O'Grimacey would be McProud

Here's the thing: McDonald's stepped up their Shamrock Shake game. The thing wasn't bad. In fact, it was actually pretty tasty. Not too thick with a distinct mint element and a welcome refreshment on a warm pre-spring day.

But enough of that. Let's get down to real Homeskillet business here.

You ready? Because here it is...

Our Top Three Booze and Shamrock Shake pairings!

Let's do this

First one was a whiskey, an obvious choice for a St. Patrick's Day taste test. Our idea was to do a shot of the hooch then suck down a good draw of the shake. We tried combining the two in a tumbler but...it didn't work. The odd pre-made concoction that makes up the Shamrock Shake only enveloped the alcohol turning it into a coagulated mush, so we opted for plan B:

A shot and shake back.

Let the great experiment begin!

Right, now, we may get some flack for this but...we defied and forgo'd the Jameson. Why you may ask? Well, honestly, because it was a too easy and an obvious choice. Plus Jameson is kind of a basic beyotch when it comes to St. Patty's Day and we wanted something a bit more, oh, shall we say...smoky and austere? We shall!

But we're not busting on Jameson...we love Jameson! It's just, well, you know...

The shot of choice for this challenge ended up being a good barrel aged Dewars, mainly because the peaty-ness and effervescence of the bottle could offset the bullpucky "smooth" of the shake, which ended up being a kind of 'fire and ice' capade of flavors and textures.

"It's like I first swallowed gas and then a minty extinguisher came to my rescue," noted Chili. And I was in agreement. The raspy harsh of a good scotch compared to the McBlerfens of the shake was incorrigible on the palate. Think of eating a bunch of red hots and suffering for a spell then a magic whipped cream siren swooped by and kissed a herbaceous respite onto your tingling tongue.

It was sort of like that but...not really. It tasted like we did a shot of warm scotch then horked down a good pull of icy green spew to calm the unfortunate wake. Like I said, through trial and error, this was the least offensive. The contrast was fun but there were two others that reigned slightly supreme over this combo.

"Is it like I'm small and the shake is really huge?" Um, maybe but....you're just out of focus

Some culinary snots have "reinvented" the Shamrock Shake adding all sorts of upscale non-sense and unnecessary infusions and deconstructions. One though actually added a splash of tequila. That...seemed reasonable. But, for us, at the time, I dunno, tequila just didn't make the cut. Maybe it was the grade of tequila we had on hand, El Enfermedad del Higado, that wasn't such a pleasant coupling. But, regardless, we pressed on!

We were thinking mint so we paired the shake with Rumple Minze, which has a very distinct peppermint shock along with the click of clear alcohol. This match was one made in a near frozen bliss temple.

"It feels like I am shushing, yes...shushing down the slopes of the snowy alps," beamed Chili, "and then landed straight into a bar filled with Swiss misses wearing only boots and hockey masks."

Couldn't have put it better myself.

So if you want a wintry swath to lead you down a lurid McShameHole then I highly advocate the drinking of these two in tandem.

So many options but only three made the cut

The last one and probably the most accessible combination was the use of whipped vanilla vodka. Honestly these two together was a deadly duo. It went down way too effortless and we could see ourselves drinking ten. Easily.

"If only we could harness the mystery and magic of the Shamrock Shake," Chili said while rubbing his scruffy chin, "and get it going with the whipped vodka here...we could make a fortune!"

That, right then and there, gave me a brilliant idea. Taking notes from the shake I drank and despised as a kid, along with the upgrade of the ones we were drinking at present, I plotted a recipe that could easily put the McCorporate World onto its greedy and trembling ears and tongues.

So I left the bar, grabbed some ingredients at the store and headed home.

Then...the magic began!

After a few McShots it was time for some well needed McFoghat

Lil Poundcake wasn't impressed until I put fish nibblets in it

Inspiration! That's the only word I can collect at this frame of genius. Wanting to recreate the powdery and anemic flavor of the 1970s Shamrock Shake with the improved flavor of it's 2016 successor along with my own "take" on the whole recipe, I gathered a few simple ingredients and this is what I came up with:

Girl Scout's Thin Mints, Minty Toothpaste and Rinse, Ice Cream, Whipped Cream and Jagermeister

If you want to try this at home it's really easy. Here...follow me!

Combine two scoops of vanilla ice cream with a few Thin Mint cookies in a blender and spin 'em until relatively smooth.

Set the blender on low and slowly add the toothpaste and mouthwash. Once you get it to a good green whirlpool, turn the blender off and do a shot of Jager.

Can you smell that? That's talent!

Pour the mixture into an old beer stein, top with whipped cream and a methaqualone horse pill and you're all set.

Then sit back, enjoy a plate of corned beef and cabbage and sip away at the drink that only dreams and memories are made of. This delight shines bright of not only the past, but definitely the present and, could it be?, yes!, the future.

The effects of this Darby O'Gill and the Little Trip to the Hospital will delight and make for a most memorable St. Patrick's Day. It's like sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold filled with stomach pumps and eternal regret.

Slainte!

So good you'll never want to make it again

Happy St. Patrick's Day from all of us at the Tucson Homeskilet!

PS: Don't try any of this at home or...anywhere. Duh!

Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
St. Patrick's Day, 2016

Metal Influence:

 HIGH ON FIRE

"Snakes For The Divine"