The Tucson Homeskillet presents: The Worst Burrito in Tucson!

Now this particular idea came to me one day while I was at work. It was slow, kind of quiet, and for some reason George Carlin kept running through my mind. I kept hearing in the recess beyond the rusty hamster wheel that is my brain, the comedic legend going on with:

"Somewhere out there is the worst doctor. Has to be. Process of elimination. And the worst part is...is that someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow!"

That notion alone got me to thinking: there has got to be the worst burrito in Tucson. Has to be. Process of elimination. 

And the worst part is...someone is buying one right now!

Why the worst burrito? I don't know. Because it takes a lot to really mess up a burrito. Plus I like burritos so...I got that going for me. 

Immediately I logged onto YELP and started snooping around. All I did was type in "worst burrito", made sure I was in the Tucson, AZ field and hit send. It did not take long to garner a decent list but one particular establishment kept coming up. 

With a consistent rating of one stars, this place had Yelpers saying:

 "I threw away my burrito after the first bite afraid for my health. This place needs to seriously consider their food. GROSS."

"Too bad I can't do 'NO stars!  No stars.....service was clueless, burrito was awful."

"The food quality was subpar. One of my containers had a live ant. Surprise health inspection recommended."

 "Seems they are using left over scraps to fill burritos, avoid this place and save your $."

"It's open on Christmas. This must have been some sort of revenge for not visiting family."

And this goes on and on. So then I got to wondering: Maybe I should go to this place, order one or some of these burritos, eat them and then chronicle my journey with what most folks online are chatting up as "the worst burrito in Tucson". 

After double checking with some other review sites, I was convinced. This one location did, indeed, as proclaimed by the general burrito eating public of Tucson, AZ, apparently harbor the worst rated burrito in town. 

As a food writer, sometimes risk taker and all around complete idiot, I put it upon myself to seek out the foulest of the foul and let you know how it really went down. 

Ready? Ok...

Here's the thing, we (well....me) at the Tucson Homeskillet like to have fun and doing a piece such as this is, in my eyes, goofy fun. But seeing as I am still in the early stages of getting my website and point of view out there, and also being a fairly nice guy, I will not give out the real name of the "restaurant". I mean, people do work there, I don't want to come across as too much of a butthead and in the end it just seems like a low blow to just make fun of a place while pointing a finger, giggling. It's not our/my style. I hope you understand. 

So, after saying that, if you really want to know the name of the restaurant, literally just Google "worst burrito in Tucson", or visit Yelp or Zomato and see for yourself. 

Okay. It was a bright, sunny, rather breezy and warm day in Tucson, when I got in the car and drove a good path out of the way to obtain this hated tortilla roll of meat slop and regret. Like a few miles. Man, this burrito better suck major ass or I'm going to get peeved. Finally, I arrived at my destitute destination, the corner of River and La Cholla (another clue) parked the rig and got out. 

You have arrived at your burrito. And may the Mexican food gods have mercy on your stomach...

The area itself was subpar; sort of desolate and acrid and the restaurant was in a broke down strip mall, sandwiched between a low end "vaping" smoke shop and this abandoned bit of furniture.

Seems cozy. And....appropriate.

To be honest I almost considered eating the burrito on that sofa but my better instincts told me that one bodily abuse would suffice for the day. Having to return home with whatever nits and creepys evolved deep in those neo-Southwestern cushions would not make the wife, cat and, well, myself very comfortable for the next few days. So I cleared that idea and went inside.

At 1pm on a Wednesday, what is typically the lunch rush, this is what I was hit with:

(insert wind noise and tumbleweeds)

Nothing. The place was empty. That, dear readers, is always a clue as to what I am about to be privy to. If there is no one here, let for a scant of employees, I suppose the reviews have caught up with them and their reputation is now clearly visible. In a town where you can get a good, if not great, if not outstanding, burrito at all hours why would you waste your hard earned dollars and eat time with something that might give you the sobs of remorse? It's just not worth it, especially here in Tucson. But, still, I had an assignment to fulfill so I bellied up to the counter and placed my order.

Since I was here, I had made the effort, the drive and had a few bucks in my pocket, I decided to be more impartial and order two burritos. Hey man, maybe the guys on the internet have just been eating one particular burrito, the one that sucks donky shafts, with the rest being of edible estate.

I ordered the "California burrito", which promises carne asada, potatoes and pico de gallo. Sounded okay, and seeing that I hail from the golden state I was curious as to why there was no avocado or guacamole on it. Potatoes? Shouldn't that be the Idaho burrito? Whatever. I also ordered the chicken burrito because, for reals, if you screw up a chicken burrito in Tucson there is little to no reason why your eating establishment should even be standing.

After a few minutes, my order was ready and I headed out to sample the wares.

My first impression before eating the food? The service was actually pretty decent. The girl at the counter was friendly and the food arrived rather swiftly. Plus it didn't smell too horrible as I made the lengthy drive home. In fact, I was starting to get really hungry.

Shotgun burritos....

When I got home, first order of business was to see what our cat, Lil Poundcake, thought about the burritos. You know, the cat's keen instinct and sense of smell and all. All she did was lazily look at the paper wrapped meat tubes as if I had just shoved two rolls of fart under her nose. Maybe it was just the post nap sleepy state she was in, but our girl wasn't having it...

Lil Poundcake is already unimpressed...

So I took the two burritos to the kitchen, assessed the pre-damage, and then went for it.

So far, so....good?

The first burrito I decided to sample was the California. Taking a chef knife I split it open to see what I was going to be working with. And this is what I got:

So when did California become associated with potatoes?

Yeah. Potatoes. Lots and lots of potatoes. With a scrim of carne asada. And...where's the pico? I don't see no stinking pico. I want my pico! C'mon man. It really didn't matter too much at that moment because I was quite ravenous. If the burrito was filled with those ants that one dude on Yelp proclaimed were, I'd still tuck in.

Then, the moment of truth: I took a bite and closed my eyes to see if the terror was as vibrant as I anticipated it would be.

And the answer is...not really. Yeah, it was a lot of potato with each bite ratio, nearly nil of carne asada and, as expected, there was no pico de gallo to be found, but it wasn't that bad. Was it because I had only had half a bagel for breakfast and that was, like, hours ago, that I was hungry enough to enjoy even the foulest of the foul? Or was this burrito actually, in a sense, edible? It was both I think. After another bite and my hunger subsided I began to really think deep about this supposed worst burrito in Tucson.

So I took the burrito into the one room where I knew I could dissertate with objectivity and equity.

The bathroom.

Sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. And...shoulda flushed it.

It was here that I realized that the California burrito was all filler. And it didn't deliver on it's promise of "pico de gallo". Using potato is a cheat in the food biz because the starchy root is cheap and can easily absorb the flavors of its surrounding components. The potatoes were actually rather toothsome; not exactly crunchy but not exactly cooked all the way through. The loose salsa they provided in plastic ramekins wasn't too shabby to my surprise. In fact, the red sauce had a bit of a kick to it. Luckily that aided in my drab disappointment of the burrito as it wasn't the worst burrito I ever had nor was it the best. Far from the best come to think of it. Trust me, I have had some gnarly burritos in my day. Hoo doggies. This particular burrito might go over well in a state that thinks mega chain taco fast food is in fact "Mexican" food, but here in the old Pueblo it was a lame side show in the great carnival of flavors to be had with burritos.

I wanted HORRIBLE! I got...adequate. Oh well.

"Yeah. No." - Lil Poundcake

So I prayed to the aformentioned Mexican food gods to give me strength, give me hope, give me...well. Either give me a surprisingly good burrito from a location everyone has deemed a shopping cart filled with mournful cheese or give me something so repugnant that all I have to do after is roll down the hill to the sadness buffet where I will happily ingest grout, a McRib and an old terrycloth robe from that creepy neighbor of yours.

I just want burrito extremes here!

God. If you're listenin'...HELP!

Instead, I called upon this god to give me strength to carry on.

Gonna need all the help I can get...

Next up: the chicken burrito.

Alright. Upon first inspection it just looked like big hunks of chicken rolled up in a tortilla. Because, in fact....that's what it was! No if's, and's or but's. Chicken. Tortilla. Got it. Done.

The first bite of the chicken burrito made me oh so happy. Why you may ask?

Because it sucked! Oh man. This flavorless piece of turd poultry was so bland and dry that I had to result to alternative measures to make it somewhat palpable.

The chicken was so stale that maybe adding some water to it might bring it back to some form of moisture. But,alas, it just made the barren heap of protein damp. Crap!

This might help...

It was still too dry. So then I tried adding some moisturizer to it. All that did was act as a weird sour cream, with an emphasis on the sour. And possibly life threatening. It didn't matter. I had finally found what I had been digging for, the cursed beast of the Tucson burrito wasteland.

It was the chicken burrito! THE WORST BURRITO IN TUCSON!

Damn you piece of crap chicken burrito. Damn you!

Stumped but not defeated, I attempted to add a bunch of ingredients to spruce up the gobbled terror of non-awesome. Nothing. Just a heck spread of mutated flavors and textures that did nothing to aid in my gleeful animosity. I mean, Nutella and bacon bits? How can that not work?

The worst burrito vortex is nothing to be contended with...

Still didn't help...

Then I got Mr. T involved. Perhaps he could gut punch it enough to make it somewhat feasible. It just made the T man more pissed off because it actually fought back. And here I thought my man didn't take no jibba jabba from no punk ass burrito.

We were wrong. We were oh....oh so wrong.

I pity the burrito that sucks wet drippy camel balls...

Slightly defeated, I left the chicken burrito out to pasture hoping the summertime wildlife would take it back to its den, nurse it to health and eventually call it one of their own.

All I got was a squirrel who gave me a small clawed thunderfinger after sniffing it a bit.

Really my furry woodland friend? I thought we were bros, bro. Not even in my desperate hour of need did those bushy tailed jackanapes come to my rescue. Fine then. Be that way. You're off my Xmas card list squirrel! See if I care!

Even the squirrels took pity on me...

Feeling sneaky, I then tried to mail it back but all the postman said was: "Not this time Metal Mark! Not this rancid piece of Satan taint. Now you go back home and think about what you were just about to do."

Man. Unprecedented heaviness from my local usually merry mail carrier in the late afternoon.

The postman always rings 'screw you!'

Forget that. The only humane effort on my part then was to burn the thing. My taste buds have already endured enough. My stomach was churning with indignation. My senses were failing as were my bowels (only slightly) so I poured fuel on the poor sumbitch and torched it. Sent it back to Hell where it belonged. Bye wack ass burrito.

Burn! Burn foul demon of flavorless Hell!

In the end, I was sad to see the thing go. I had, indeed, found and (mostly) eaten the worst burrito in Tucson. It was a steady pilgrimage to Flavorless town but my mind and body could not endure any more torment.

In my final moments parting with the burrito, I could faintly hear the ghostly call from beyond...

"I will return... I will return..."

And, it did. About an hour later.

I was, at last, relieved of The Worst Burrito in Tucson.

Typing and Camera
Metal Mark
Early July, 2015

Metal Inspiration
Carcass "Symphonies of Sickness"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7NkGG9_8aU

Don't Throw It...Regrow It! The Tucson Homeskillet guide to regrowing food from scraps.

Not to sound 'punny' here, but, the way I started re-growing herbs and vegetables in our kitchen happened quite organically.

She-Ra and I were shopping for dinner one night at our local market a while ago and I picked up a bunch of green onions and put them in the basket. Not too sure what we were making but apparently it involved scallions of some kind. Anyway, from out of nowhere, this kind but very obvious hippie lady sees me doing this and just says:

“You know you can re-grow green onions from the white ends you cut off and usually throw away. Just put it in water and it just sprouts back up. It's pretty cool.”

Um, okay. Thanks for that. Luckily she didn’t try to engage me in some conversation about how sad she is that Phish no longer is together or the fact that I could not detect one scent of the usual patchouli aroma that wafts over those with blonde dreads named Karma and has investments in the Birkenstock corporation. Nope, just a nice if not a little strange woman with some helpful tips on how to regrow food. Alright. Maybe I'll try it someday.

Regrown lettuce from scraps

That night, after much chopping and eating, I saved the lil nubs of green onion, got an unused shot glass, filled it with water and dropped the bulbs in. Then I put it in the kitchen windowsill and forgot about it.

That is until a few days later, I open the sash to find that, yes indeed!, the green onions were regenerating itself. It was amazing. I had never thought about that before nor have I heard about it. And this coming from the chef era Metal Mark where I was engulfed and covered in food all day everyday...well, at least on a professional level. Now I just take that food engulfment and write about it. But still! And after a few days I had enough green stem goodness to use in another dish.

The results of that regrowing of the scallion was superb. The taste was pure and electric; sizzling with tiny particles of Allium perfection, with a toothsome crunch and a mild spice on the tongue. After that, I was hooked.

Soon after I began looking into what I could and could not grow in old wine, champagne and shot glasses. Being married to a bartender, you tend to accrue such items in your pantry and bar cabinet. Seeing as we are not big (if at all) wine and champagne drinkers, I got the approval to go ahead and use the vessels to aid in my strange fascination with growing things in our small kitchen windowsill.

From nothing sprouts something...

Okay. Some of the easy ones were always a success. Green onions. Done. Just drop the white ends with the hairy bits (that sounded crude right?) into a glass of water where just the top nib of the bulb just peeks out from the surface. Boom. In a few days you have a usable green onion again. So cool.

Green Onions about two days in just water

Same Green Onions a day or two later...

Because the green onion was so simple I tried leaving the already cultivated bulb in the water to see if it would do it again. Yeah, not so much. I guess the scallions have one good push in them and then it's time for the bin or mulch. Sometimes they would perk up but it was a far less great experience than the first shoot that would emerge.

It was around this time that I began my research on regrowing food from scraps. Turns out there was a ton of things that regrow itself organically. Fennel for one.

Here's the thing: we don't use fennel in a lot of dishes. Actually, the last time I used fennel was when I was a pizza chef and it was for this Venetian sausage dish that didn't go over well with the customers so it was scratched after a month or so. Being in the same family as the carrot, it made sense that fennel would simply revitalize itself with a little help from the dude that chopped it up just a moment ago. Turns out that carrot tops will keep sprouting if you hover the ends in water and once the tiny carrot nibblet is visible, you can take that to the garden, plant it and, bingo, you got a carrot farm going on kid.

Now, you might be reading this going, “Yo, Metal Mark. This is cooking and gardening 101. I've been doing this crap for years. Get back to eating tacos and insulting D list celebrity cookbooks...”

Yes, I understand your concerns as this post isn't as snarky or grandiose, but, honestly, from an amateur gardener's perspective and as a big time eater and cook, this post is to just let everyone else out there that you too can do this at home. Not everyone knows about regrowing veggies from stuff you normally toss in the trash and forget about. Plus, now that I've been doing it for a while I wanted to share what worked for me, what didn't and some tips I learned along the way. Is that cool?

Sheesh...

Tasty, leafy sprout from a lettuce core

The other item I have always had good luck with is lettuce. Normally it’s advised that you use romaine or a good sturdy stock, but I have had sproutlings from all sorts of lettuce varieties. Romaine, yes; just stick the core end in some water and, kabloom, in a few short days that thing is blooming tentacles of bright green goodness. Bibb lettuce usually works for me as well, but because it's so delicate I haven't had much to harvest from the regrowth. But the ends that I do gain are so succulent and grassy they make an excellent topping to a salad or just a quick snack when you're working hard in the kitchen. For me, lettuces such as Bibb or red and green leaf, works as a palate cleanser of sorts. After a tart or spicy or a particularly overpowering dish, it is always nice to pick a sprig off of the leafy tendril and after a few chews over the tongue, you are ready to tackle the next culinary challenge now that your taste buds have taken a bath of sorts.

Here's the thing: lettuce does not last very long in water. Think about it. You've got a water based, fairly fragile food item just soaking in sink water on your windowsill. What's going to happen? Yeah, the water turns mucky and moldy and once that shoot is plucked clean it will not grow back. Trust me here. I've left lettuces in water for weeks just to see what happens. What happens is this:

 

Yuck!

And, even more curious, this:

 

So odd...

Weird huh? Little tufts of near dandelion springs just opening up and chilling on the end of a once thought dead stick regrown from the butt of a head of lettuce. Not really. It all makes sense once you do the research and know the basics of vegetation and how things work within the living food cycles. It's actually quite beautiful to me. I've left flowers grown from lettuce and other varietals just because I thought the blooms were kind of pretty. But then the smell begins, the wife complains and I have to begrudgingly toss the fetid lot into the bin. Oh well. Fare thee well my fair-weather leafy friend. You shall soon be replaced by yet another cousin of yours and hopefully they too shall provide me with pleasure and nutrients.

Okay, enough with the rococo bullcrap, let's get down to what else has worked for me.

Garlic is jammin'...

Garlic. Oh yes. Now this is something I can get down with. We use garlic in just about everything.  She-Ra being half Italian and me being, well, of British decent (which I don't know how this parlays into the conversation here, but whatever...), garlic is used in way too many dishes in our household. So when I found that garlic can be regrown, I was both elated and strangely aroused at the prospect of having garlic just popping up all over the place.

So yummy

Now, with garlic, you don't get the usual bulb that you buy in the store regrown. No. What you do here is, or rather what I've been doing, is taking a garlic bulb that is beginning to sprout a little green buddy, take that guy and put it in some good soil then using the green shoots in a lot of Asian dishes. The bright green sprout from a head of garlic is so pungent and fragrant that a little snippet of it goes a long way. Think a good brothy bowl of pho infused with the stems of garlic or a green Thai curry tossed with a decent chiffonade of the garlic sprig. So, so tasty.  I'm pretty sure I once used the garlic shoot in my breakfast cereal. Cocoa Pebbles and regrown garlic pith? Oh mais oui! Makes the sugary garbage floating in milk so much more fragrant and bizarre.

I've also had decent success with celery.

Can't stop the celery...

Celery, though, is a tough customer. Sometimes the top greens just fly up and create a mass of reusable fronds that can be used in cooking, or stocks or to be transferred to the garden for eventual harvest. But, I don't know, it's always been a hit or miss for me.  Celery really isn't meant to be contained in a pint glass on my kitchen windowsill here in Tucson, AZ. But occasionally the celery stalks will produce a relatively okay amount to be reused.

Regrowth celery roots...

Although their family member, the leek, is a mofo! I have had so much regrowth from the white chalky ends of leeks I can't even begin to describe the good fortune with these guys. Leeks, in a bit of water and in a bit of time, regrow with amazing abundance. The first morning I used a regrown leek was in an omelet with some Gruyere cheese and baby heirloom tomatoes. It was unreal. So tasty. Just a quick sauté of the leek greens with the tomatoes and I was in lonely man brunch heaven. You can re-purpose the leeks in way too many dishes to list here. I don't wanna bore you with some vast list here, just use your skills and check your recipe books for anything involving leeks. Then use the discarded ends for a savory dish later. You'll thank me in the end. Trust me.

Other items that I haven’t gotten around to regrowing include mushrooms, lemongrass and sweet potatoes. Apparently all of those regrow like mad and hopefully in the near future I can try my hand at that project.

Here, once again, is the one real important factor when regrowing things on your kitchen windowsill: PLEASE change the water as frequently as you can!

Keep your water clean kids!

Here in Tucson, where temps get easily up into the 90s and 100s often, what I had to contend with was mosquito larvae. Blecch! For real, I had to switch water on all of my experiments on an almost daily basis. You really don’t want revolting insects in your food do you? No. That’s what I thought. Plus the mossy build up begins to grind on the fertile roots that are literally just submerged in tap water. Chemicals upon chemicals have a way of receding the goodness that you want from that fresh green shoot that promises to delight and entice.

Yet with all of the amazing success I have had, there have also been major let downs. Remember me saying that sweet potatoes have a way of coming back? Yeah, well apparently so do regular ol’ russet potatoes. Those eyes that begin to cry hard, green mollusks when you leave them sitting around too long? Yeah, if you plant them, apparently they begin to grow more potatoes. Unfortunately for me, this is the progress that I have had the last few months:

Potato planted a few months ago

Same potato taken this morning. Oh well....

See? Not much. Perhaps I’m doing it wrong, I don’t know, but according to many websites I have visited and gardeners I have spoken to, this is the way to do it. Maybe you’ll have better luck that I have or will. If so, get back to me and let’s compare notes.

Also, regrowing certain lettuces outdoors result in this brown out:

Not happening...

Maybe it’s the harsh desert climate, alkali in the dust or something, that makes it stunt like this, but so far my success rate on the patio is near zilch. Not too sure why, but when I grow these buggers indoors I have no problem.I guess it's the hothouse factor or something, even though we keep the air on at all times. Whatever..

Thing is, as Jeff Goldblum said in “Jurassic Park”: 

And because of that, I think this project has been one of my favorites so far concerning food. Since I’ve only been at it a few short years I still have lots to learn and you better believe that I am in no way shape or chloroform going to quit anytime soon. Sure our tiny kitchen windowsill can sometimes look like a child’s science project gone horribly wrong…because that’s precisely what it is! I just hope that I don’t discover a plant/liquid combo that’ll cause some kind of abnormal combustion and blow up the place.

No, wait… That’d be awesome!

Anyway, here are some websites you might want to peruse in order to get you started:

http://wakeup-world.com/2012/10/15/16-foods-thatll-re-grow-from-kitchen-scraps/ 

http://www.simplehouseholdtips.com/foods-you-can-regrow-from-kitchen-scraps.html 

And if you get started on this project, or are already doing your own regrowth experiments, you can always share your pictures, notes and tips by commenting here on this blog, or emailing me at: tucsonhomeskillet@gmail.com

Thanks for stopping by and reading The Tucson Homeskillet. More good stuff is under way. For now, I have to tend to my strawberry tops because they are turning the water red and producing some type of “foam”.

Well, you never know till you try.

Cheers!

Remember in "RED" when Bruce Willis was regrowing from an avocado seed? Yeah...that.

Typing and Camera

Metal Mark

July 1, 2015

Metal Influence:

Bay Area neo- Black Metal outfit

BOTANIST

http://botanist.nu/index.html 

 

   

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