You've Had The Food at the Annual Greek Fest, Now Learn How To Make Them! (And Something About Ouzo)

This blog post is being written under much duress.

When we started working on this post, several, shall we say..."obstacles" began heading our way.

First off, the car died. Like flat out just wont start. And when our trusted mechanic of several years is just staring into the maw of our engine, scratching his bald head and going, "Yeah...this one is a mystery to me", you know we are doomed. So that prevented us from getting anywhere to do a piece with a bit more meat attached to it. All the images you see on this post are uploads from the internet. Not our usual way of going about things. Sucks.

Next up was a complete blackout in our neighborhood. Literally, the few blocks surrounding us, and no one else, was dark for most of Wednesday September 21st. We lost a bit of work and had to wait till the lights came back on (later that night) to save what could be saved, so this post isn't as awesome as we thought it would be. Sorry about that.

Not to mention a blackout in 100 degree heat just kept us quiet and drinking cool water as the central air was off and slowly, as the day progressed, it became a bit swampy in the Tucson Homeskillet compound. Not fun. And without a car, we were stuck there.

But...whatever. We press on! Let's do this.

It's autumn which can only mean one thing: Pumpkin spiced 40oz of malt liquor!

(Wow...that would be weird wouldn't it?)

No. Actually the autumnal equinox means that the annual Greek Festival at St. Demitrios Church on Ft. Lowell begins. It's a four day bacchanalia celebrating not just Greek culture, but, and this is most important, Greek food and drink. We attend every year and for us the Greek Fest means that the good weather is about to start here in Tucson, the holiday season is upon us and the next day, after much Greek hedonistic mirth, a slight headache from the tall cans of Keo beer and many shots of Ouzo is to be had. Hey....tradition!

Last year we were lucky to be privy to the backstage area of the cooking tent, getting deep with those assembling gyro sandwiches, doling out dolmas and making the flames rise high as saganaki gets drenched in clear booze on a hot skillet.

So to attempt something new, we thought maybe this year we'd try out some recipes inspired by some of the cuisine you might partake of at the Greek Festival. At least some of our favorites. We got as close as we could to what they create during the annual event and we hope you enjoy the following dishes (and drinks!) as much as we do.

And speaking of flaming cheese, the saganaki is the first item up for your cooking consideration.

Saganaki

Upon entering the Greek Festival, outside of the lines of crafts, jewelry and dancing going on, you are usually met with someone yelling "Opa!" as flashes of fire extend from a searing hot pan. That means that saganaki, or "flaming cheese", is being made. It's one of our favorites and is always a great way to start off the festivities. 

The cheese is gooey with a light crust from the frying and alcohol char with a quick splash of lemon to round it all off, giving it a well deserved citrus note. 

Saganaki is crazy delicious and fairly simple to prepare. You just have to be a little brave is all because cooking with face high fire might have you cry "AHH!" instead of "OPA!"

Check it out and good luck:

1 slab of Greek cheese, such as Halloumi or Kasseri, about 1/2 inch thick and trimmed of any rind

1 heaping Tbsp. of olive oil

All-purpose flour for dredging

1/2 shot glass of Ouzo (we'll get to that later...)

Wedge of lemon

Pre-heat a heavy-bottomed skillet (a cast-iron pan works very well) to a medium-high heat. Place your slab of cheese under running tap water then dredge in all-purpose flour. Shake off any excess flour.

 

Add your olive oil to the skillet. Add a sprinkle of flour into the pan to test if the oil is hot enough. As soon as it sizzles, add your cheese to the skillet and sear for a couple of minutes. Carefully flip the cheese with a spatula and allow to sear for a couple of minutes on the other side.

Turn off your heat source and carefully carry your cheese saganaki to your table and pour the brandy ( or Ouzo) over the cheese and ignite with a lighter. Move your head back, shout “OPA!” and squeeze the wedge of lemon over the cheese.

Serve immediately with crusty bread, some Ouzo and a can of Keo beer.

Tzatziki

Look, just like Indian cuisine, we leave the complicated food prep to the professionals. Trying to recreate the flavors of gyro spit meat cannot be duplicated in a small kitchen such as ours. But we can get down with a mean tzaziki.

Tzatziki is great on its own with just some bread but we also like it with shwarma and, of course, a meaty gyro sandwich or gyro plate. It adds a bit of texture, cools down the heat a bit and makes the girth of bread and beef go down a little smoother.

Lemony, dilly and....cucumbery(?), a good tzatziki can make any Greek dish brighter and more yogurty(?). Nevermind.

Anyway, here is what we came up with:

2 cups plain Greek yogurt

2 cups diced cucumber (or shredded)

½ cup fresh dill - minced

¼ cup lemon juice

2 garlic cloves - grated

½ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon pepper

Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl check for seasoning. Add more dill, lemon, garlic or salt/pepper to your taste.

Serve immediately or store in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.

Pastitsio

Now here is where things get serious.

At its essence, pastitsio is Greek lasagna. And...its amazing.

Just layers of seasoned meat sauce, baked pasta and, of course, lots of cheese. The best part about real authentic pastitsio is the addition of a bechamel sauce. It really adds a whole level of flavor but, unfortunately, can make this recipe a bit time consuming and tricky. In the end though, it is very worth it.

This year you can find pastitsio in the fancier dining area as the Greek Fest people have separated the food stations into "street" and "dinner service". It makes sense because years past you just find yourself winding through an endless line that reminds you of a busy day at Disneyland, except at the end you get incredible Greek food rather than a ten second ride with R2-D2s and Buzz Lightyears and stuff bleeping and blooping you into near psychedelic hysteria.

Forget that....let's get cooking!

The Meat Sauce

1 ½ lbs. ground veal (or beef, though minced lamb can also be used)

1 large or 2 medium-sized yellow onion(s), finely diced

2 bay leaves

2 cloves of garlic, grated

1 ½ cups fresh strained tomato juice (or ¼ cup tomato paste diluted in 1½ cups of water.)

¼ cup white wine

¼ cup - ⅓ cup Greek extra virgin olive oil

Salt and pepper to taste

The Pasta

1 lb. of Greek pasta (or Bucatini, or Ziti)

2 tbsp. Greek extra virgin olive oil

3 egg whites, beaten (the yolks will be used in the béchamel sauce)

¼ cup grated Kefalotyri (or Parmesan cheese if you try but cannot find the Greek cheese)

The Béchamel Sauce

4 cups of scalded milk

1 cup all-purpose flour

¾ cup grated Kefalotyri cheese (or, you know, Parm) 

½ cup of salted butter

3 egg yolks, well beaten

½ - 1 teaspoon of ground nutmeg

½ teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

Heat the olive oil in a large pan and sauté the diced onions over a medium heat until soft. Add the ground veal to the pan and break it up thoroughly. Keep stirring constantly over a medium high heat for 5 minutes or so to brown all of the meat and mingle it completely with the onion.

Once the meat is completely browned, add the rosemary, garlic, wine, and the fresh tomato juice (or tomato paste diluted in water) to the pan along with salt and pepper to taste, and mix well. Bring to a boil, add the bay leaves and make sure to immerse them in the sauce, then reduce the heat to medium-low and cover the pan with its lid leaving it only slightly uncovered to allow the excess water to evaporate as steam. Simmer for about 30 minutes or so. Stir the sauce occasionally. When ready, the meat will have absorbed the liquid in the pan. Remove the bay leaves and set aside when done.

Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil, add the pasta to the water and parboil it until soft but not fully cooked (about 3/4 of the suggested cooking time on the package).

While the pasta is cooking, make the béchamel sauce. Start by melting the butter in a deep saucepan over a medium heat, then, using a whisk or immersion blender with a whisk attachment, slowly incorporate the flour by adding it to the melted butter in stages while stirring continually to avoid the formation of lumps. Once the flour has been fully incorporated, slowly add the hot milk while continuing to constantly stir the butter and flour paste to ensure a smooth consistency. Once the milk has been added, remove the saucepan from the heat and add the grated cheese, nutmeg, pepper and egg yolks in that order while continuing to rapidly stir the mixture. Set aside when smooth and well-mixed. However, do not let it stand for too long without a good stirring as you do not want the top to start congealing. By this point your pasta should be ready.

Drain the water completely from the pasta pot and return pot with pasta to the heat, add the two tablespoons of olive oil to the pasta and mix well to ensure a thorough coating of oil as we do not want the pasta to get sticky. Remove the pot from the heat, let stand for a few minutes to cool and then add the egg whites to the pasta, along with the ¼ cup of grated Kefalotyri cheese and mix well, then set aside momentarily.

Rub a little olive into the sides and bottom of your baking dish, and then add about two-thirds of the pasta to the dish to form a bottom layer. Make sure to spread the pasta evenly in order to completely cover the bottom of the dish, make sure not to leave any empty spaces.

Spread the meat sauce over top of the bottom pasta layer, ensuring to distribute it evenly and right to the edges of the casserole. The meat layer must be of uniform thickness and must not have any gaps.

Add the remaining pasta over top of the meat layer, distributing it evenly.

Pour the béchamel sauce over of the final pasta layer, make sure to cover the entire surface area of the dish.

Place the casserole uncovered in an oven pre-heated to 350°F (180°C) and bake for approximately 30 minutes, or until the béchamel sauce is golden brown.

Remove casserole from oven and set aside to cool before serving. As already mentioned above, this dish is best served on the following day after its baking. However, if you must eat it on the same day, make sure it has a chance to cool for at least 30 minutes before cutting it into pieces. Do not make the mistake of cutting it before it has had a chance to cool, you will end up with messy servings. Cut it only when it has cooled, (ideally overnight in the refrigerator) and warm the pieces before serving.

Loukoumades

Luckily there are vittles at the Greek Festival that wont damage your waistline or wallet. If you're just looking for a sweet treat, look no further than the honey speckled, deep fried goodness of loukoumades.

If donut holes went Mediterranean, loukoumades would be it. There are variations on this snack; some top it with chocolate sauce, sometimes honey, others sprinkle powdered sugar on them...you do what you want because any way you embellish them these lil' dough bites are tasty. But the recipe that follows is pretty straight forward Greek style and the walnuts add a well intended crunch.

Very unlike the pastitsio, these guys are fairly straight forward and simple but just be careful when you toss 'em in the hot oil.

If you had enough Metaxa, such as we did, you get a little heavy handed and throw them in like slammer Pogs and, trust us here, hot fryer oil kinda hurts. Buzzing heavily or not.

Lets go...

4½ cups + 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon instant dry yeast

1 tablespoon honey

2¼ cups warm water, divided

Vegetable oil, for frying

1-2 cups honey, for drizzling

Ground cinnamon, for sprinkling

Coarsely ground walnuts, for sprinkling

In a large bowl, mix 4½ cups flour and the salt. Dissolve the yeast in ½ cups warm water, together with 1 tablespoon honey and 1 tablespoon flour.

Make a well in the center of the flour and pour in the yeast mixture. Add the remaining 1¾ cups water. Mix using a spatula, until you get a sticky, loose batter. If the texture of the batter isn't like this, add more water to achieve the right consistency. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let raise for 2 hours, or until doubled in size.

Fill half of the pot with oil and heat to 375°F.

Now you need to shape your loukoumades. There are two ways to do that:

1) Oil your hands, take a handful of the batter and clench your fist around it. Squeeze out a knob of the batter between your fingers, scoop it up with an oiled tablespoon and drop into the hot oil.

2) Oil two tablespoons. Lift a little bit of the batter on one and push it off into the hot oil using another one.

The puffs are ready when they rise to the top and are light golden brown. Remove with a slotted spoon and dry on paper towels.

Drizzle with honey and sprinkle with cinnamon and walnuts.

Ouzo

Yeah, we're not going to give you a recipe for Ouzo...because, no. Again, leave the complicated items to the seasoned pros. Making your own Ouzo is essentially doing moonshine because this stuff is for real Greek airline fuel.

If you grew up drinking Ouzo then the hint of anise and the fact that just a few sips in you're breaking plates wont bother you. For most of us in western society, Ouzo is a curiosity and a "once in a while" liquid delicacy. As is the Greek Festival. It's literally the only time we drink it. But maybe you're different. Maybe you down the clear distilled hooch like cheap beer. And that's how we like to enjoy it, with a tall can of Mythos or Keo...again, only consumed at the Greek Fest.

What's fun about Ouzo is that if you put ice in it the liquor goes a milky color. Kind of like absinthe, the oil in the anise causes emulsion and if your friends are good n' drunk, lot and lots of rude names come to mind when you chill Ouzo with ice. But we usually drink it straight. Just get it over with.

Here's the tricky part: Sort of like tequila, Ouzo sneaks up on you. If you do a shot or three you wont notice an immediate intoxicating effect. That...comes later. After a few is when your pals Greg and Dakota are on the stage trying to do the traditional Tsamiko dance, totally wrecking it and embarrassing themselves but afterwards they roll up to you, warbling and slurring, and proclaim:

"Did you see us up there? Killed it!"

Just drink responsible kids. The cops are out in mega force during Greek Fest, so be sure to eat enough souvlaki and baklava to soak up the booze before you hit the road home to cook up these delicious dishes.

Above all though...just have fun! We always do.  If you like what you ate at the Greek Fest then give these recipes a shot. Most are pretty easy, one takes a bit of time but all in all if you can't get to the festival this year, at least you can eat, and drink, like you did.

Ya sou!

Typing, Taste Testing and Uploads
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Getting Ready for the Greek Festival, 2016

Metal Influence:

MUNICIPAL WASTE

"The Fatal Feast"

"We Are In This Business To Make People Happy"

Campbell Avenue was a parking lot that day.

For some reason, the few blocks around the U of A were jammed packed with automobiles sitting there, not moving, just watching the traffic lights turn from green, to yellow, to red and repeat. Checking our phone to see if there was a game going on; there wasn't. Switching the radio to see if there was an accident in that area; there wasn't. So what gives? Why is there gridlock traffic on a Wednesday afternoon? We're expected somewhere!

The worst part though? We were hungry.

Knowing that we were going to hang out with the good people of Roma Imports, we wanted to bring our appetites with us. This is not a tough notion seeing as we are always bringing our appetites no matter where we go. But on this day? Forget it. Just some fruit in the morning only made us rather dizzy with our ravenous craving for their sandwiches, pasta dishes, pizzas and....oh man.

Why aren't we moving?

Plus we were late. We told them that we would be there around 2 pm and it was well past that. And we hate to be late! Especially when food is involved.

Eventually the cars ahead of us began to move and soon we were on our way, to that near hidden gem of an Italian market and deli, tucked away in an industrial section of Tucson knowing that homemade goodness and salvation wrapped in chewy bread and stuffed with cured cold cuts and sharp cheese awaited us.

So when we saw their Italian flag waving proudly in the distance in the late afternoon breeze, we knew that everything would be alright.

We had arrived. 

We want to drown in this sea of cured meats

If you haven't been to Roma Imports, well, then...you need to get here. For fans of authentic Italian food, deli sandwiches and retail cooking needs, this is the place to come. Sure it had been a while since we stepped foot in the place but thanks to wanting to feature them in this article, we were so glad to be back.

What makes Roma Imports so special is not only the quality of its food, the friendly staff and the hard to get to kitchen items, but it has to be the location.

Nestled in the near desolate area between the South Kino and Aviation Parkway, the only real sign of its life is a tall spire displaying the Italian flag (as we mentioned before) and the collection of cars and trucks parked around it from dedicated customers and fans of Roma's delectable selection of house made pasta dishes, desserts, deli items, salads, fresh soups and, our personal favorite, the homemade sausages and sauces and, oh...all of it, so delicious.

Another factor that distinguishes Roma from other specialty delis and markets is that they have a long stretch of prepared frozen items for you to take home and cook at your leisure. You might have a favorite pizza joint to go to but you seriously need to give the hand crafted pies here a go around. Straight hot from your own oven, you might just keep making the drive to the little white bungalow of goodness when you are craving a sumptuous pizza.

We at the Tucson Homeskillet, if you have been keeping up with us, are decidedly deli obsessed and to get to one with a definite Italian spin on things just drives us a little more crazed with a food fervor. You know we love us some Roma and promised ourselves and the good folks there that we wont be such strangers and plan on coming back on a regular basis.

"You look familiar," said Koreen, who claims to not be the manager but rather the resident mirth maker.

"Yeah," said Metal Mark, "but it's been a while. Sorry."

"How about an Ultimate Roma sandwich?"

"Make it a Matt's Special and we're on!"

See, you're going to have to get here to see what we were talking about.

More pasta than you can shake a penne at

After our well needed, and amazing, sandwich, we sat down with owner Lilian Spieth to get the lowdown on her variant background and how Roma Imports, as it is known today, got to its near food cult status.

"So I was born in India and my family immigrated to Israel when I was 14," Lilian said in her small office by the front entrance as phones rang and employees clocked in and out. "I married my husband, who is German, and he was into mining so we moved a lot. We lived in England, Denmark and Scotland and then Washington state, then Colorado, then Germany then Arizona.

"When we came to Arizona I needed something to do. So this business was up for sale and I kind of thought maybe I could do this. And I had never done anything like this. I was a stay at home mom, which I had done when we moved around."

Imagine that: A woman born in India, growing up in Israel, marrying a German man who then bought an Italian food shop in Tucson, Arizona. On top of all of that, has never worked in the food industry.

Oh yeah, this is some good stuff here. Article nearly writes itself.

Love it.

International flavors galore

"It belonged to a Sicilian family," Lilian mentioned when she initially was interested in buying the original concept of Roma Imports, "but they did mainly wholesale, basically providing products to the Italian restaurants at the time. This was in the late '90's and there weren't so many providers; like some of the bigger corporate services didn't carry specialty Italian items such as they did. They sold a lot of grated cheese, pasta, tomatoes to restaurants and pizza places...but they wanted to get out.

"The owner was getting old and when they sold the business to me I decided to see if retail would work. So I started cooking and the more I cooked, well, it just took off from there. People seemed to really like it."

That is putting it mildly. Sure the shop is a bit hidden, but you should see this place at lunch. Lines out the door. Luckily we got here between the lunch and dinner rush so we were good, but, oh yeah, we've been here at prime lunch time and little Roma is packed.

And if you've had their food, you know why.

Probably best if you just get one of each

Intrigued by Lilian's very diverse upbringing and the fact that she has never worked in the service industry before she purchased Roma Imports, we just had to know how her amazing culinary rise to local acclaim came about.

"At first when I started to cook here I tried to keep the integrity of the Italian influence, because that's what it was. I didn't want to rock the boat. So I made lasagnas and baked ziti, meatballs and fresh mozzarella, so I just started to expand the Italian items first.

"Only later, when I got more comfortable with what I was doing, I wanted to see if I could challenge my customers with other things that I grew up with which is what you see on the shelves and in the counters today. Everything developed over time.

"You know when when I took over this business I never stepped foot in a commercial kitchen. I had never even owned a business before!" 

Which makes her, and her success, so awesome.

House made sausage just chillin'

Never owning a business before and not too keen on how things work in the food world, the neighborhood Roma sits on isn't exactly a bustling thoroughfare of families and casual passersby. Quite the opposite. We've been here before and we still had a bit of an issue getting there...again. But once you make it a regular routine (which we totally plan on doing) then the idea of 'turn left here, then another left' becomes common, it actually doesn't seem much like a chore at all.

In fact, it becomes a bit of a treasure hunt, which we can totally food geek out on.

"I guess I was too naive at first to think that the location was a problem," Lilian laughs when asked about her secluded locale.

"So I honestly was not aware of the challenge of the issue. I just did my own thing. But it doesn't seem to be a problem now."

When you got customers busting down your door for your food, yeah...no problem at all.

Bold and beautiful selection of cheeses

"Listening to customers was the way I expanded our business. If five people asked me for something I brought it in. It was very easy to expand," notes Lilian on the difference from the tiny space of the original concept to what we know Roma Imports today. "The store was really tiny when I first bought it. Most of the space you see today was originally used for storage for the wholesale. In fact we expanded three times, slowly moving the wall back a little bit and back a little further. Until we finally pushed it to the end.

"It was about five years that we were open when we started the sandwich station. At first I said that if I sold fifteen sandwiches a day I would be happy. And it just kind of took off."

They sell fifteen sandwiches every five minutes. C'mon now...

Shelves and shelves of absolute deliciousness 

Asking about the biggest challenge to running a food based business in Tucson, Lilian had this to say:

"I would have to say staff is the biggest challenge of running a business such as this. Its making sure you are taking care of them and making sure they stay. I am very lucky to have people that have been with me for many years but like other food related businesses, you have rotation. I try to keep the good ones because, you know, they become family."

And, the biggest reward?

"And that is also the biggest reward as well. You come here in the morning and it's like....home."

You can't eat just one, trust us...we tried

"The lasagna is one of our biggest selling items but I would have to say our porchetta sandwich is one of the most popular items," is what she had to say if there was a signature item at Roma's. "It's a slow roasted pork and it is very delicious. Pork may not be for everybody but for those that do love it, love this sandwich."

As far as future plans for her business, Lilian was pretty firm on one thing.

"Honestly," she said nodding, "stability is my goal for this place. Over the years I have been asked countless times to open a second location and I have not felt comfortable with that idea. Basically my goal is to run Roma with the same...soul, if that makes sense?"

It does.

"It has to make us happy and for my customers and me to be happy...and that is enough."

It is.

Mini pizzas, mini pizzas...get in our bellies!

For those of us that know and love this place, think of this blog post as an ode to one of our favorite markets and delis in Tucson. The food, as well as the staff, are always fantastic.

But for those that have yet to venture out to the yonder where Roma Imports reigns supreme, let this be a prompt for your upcoming culinary adventure. Take it from us, you just need to try one of each.

Of what you may ask?

All of it.

One. Of. Each.

To find out what their daily specials are, their amazing "feasts", upcoming events and all of the fun and fare happening there, you can (and must!) follow them on Facebook.

Now it is time to stop typing and to figure out what to do with all of this sausage, sauce and noodles.

Like we said...one of each.

It's a tough job, but...somebody has to do it.

Cheers!

Thank you Roma Imports!

Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Middle of September, 2016

Metal Influence:

ANTHRAX

"State of Euphoria"

The Tucson Homeskillet Breaks Down the Pizza Joints on Campbell Avenue from the "Meh" to the "Mmmm"

Look we were going to do another article, one about a taco joint that is also part of a gas station, but the car's brakes are acting up and we didn't want to risk giving the rig any more problems since the place is a good half hour drive away and it is, sadly enough, beginning to show signs that it wants to go to the great carport in the sky.

And speaking of sky, the day we had reserved for our newest food adventure turned out to be the time when a southward storm hit us and most roads were flooded, especially the ones leading toward the highway. So that was another "aww really?" moment.

But we are not giving up! No, never! We can't let our readers and subscribers down (all, like 3/4's of you), so we went to the Tucson Homeskillet vault of backup plans and we came up with one that not only seemed like a lot of fun but was nearby and, yeah...well that was the main reason. For real, it was raining kinda hard (which explains the gray and damp photos), the car was rather wobbly but we had collected enough notes to do this piece right.

So as many of you might know, the sweep of eateries on Campbell Avenue, midtown between Grant and Ft. Lowell, is sometimes known as "restaurant row". For real, you have Blue Willow, Pastiche, India Oven, Yoshimatsu (which is closed down right now due to relocating across the street from it's old place because in its stead we have...), Casa Valencia (which just opened up), a little Caribbean place (which we'll talk about later), Lovin' Spoonfuls and a ton of Mexican, fast casual and chain restaurants. Kinda like downtown but less hipster, the few blocks of Campbell holds a ton of upscale and quick bite options, most of which are quite tasty, but the one thing that we are focusing on here is the fact that seven similar yet completely different styles of restaurants are literally piled right on top of each other.

We're talking pizza here kids.

Yes. Pizza. With seven options on that tight length of road you have to be thinking sometimes, "Wait, which one...umm...should we go...uh...yeah...what's the difference between them all?"

Big differences dear reader. Big differences.

So without further unnecessary typing, we give you the Tucson Homeskillet's guide to the Campbell Avenue pizza place choices, rating them from the ones that impressed us the least (sorry guys) to the ones that we come back to when we want a delicious pie (thanks guys!)

Let's get this opinionated list going shall we? Look, we're professionals here, we know what we are doing.

Do we?

Here we go:

#7: Pizza Hut
2940 N. Campbell Ave.

Pretty obvious right? Us not digging on Pizza Hut when there are so many other amazing options nearby. Thing is, we are guilty of promoting the ways of the Hut.

You might recall the time, like about a year ago, when the Homeskillet crew got together and ate a glut of their stuff crust pizzas, especially the hot dog option. So we have been there before, done that, had fun, but as far as the actual pizza product?

Eh.

Look, Pizza Hut has been around since 1958 and it's gone through a bunch of changes since then. But you recognize it as a worldwide chain, over 15,000 locations, so you know the food you are getting isn't exactly locally sourced or close to being chef driven. It's good for kids birthday parties, for serving pasta in bread bowls, for late night delivery when the munchies get right on top of you. It's reliable, like a good ol' work boot...and that's exactly what Pizza Hut is, a good ol' work boot of a pizza chain. You know what you're going to get, you know it will be satisfactory, it's not that expensive and if there is a problem you know that all you have to do is politely lodge a complaint to the manager and they will give you like a "next one is on us" dealy. Unlike the thousands of other unsatisfied customers that yell at the underpaid staff members saying they didn't like the food (even though they pretty much ate it all) and demand that the whole thing be comped and the next one too. That's not how you do it folks. Be nice and understanding to the people that make and serve your food. Believe me. I have farted on many a dish because the customer was rude to the server or manager. Just be cool man.

But the few times we have been in the Pizza Hut on Campbell Avenue it has been near deserted. Sure delivery is about 80% of their business but when you have amazing competition right across the street from you it's difficult to keep up. Thing is, Pizza Hut is what it is. If you like this place then, hey, it's right here waiting for you. No surprises. It's familiar, it's relatively safe and it wont break your bank.

Although it might break your gut. For real...hot dog stuffed crust pizza and fettuccine alfredo served in a bread bowl? C'mon man.

Let's move on...

#6: Hungry Howie's
3122 N. Campbell Ave.

Can we be perfectly honest with you? We almost, kinda, put Hungry Howie's at #7.

But we didn't! We didn't. Yet why would we in the first place, you might be asking yourself but not really because why would you when you're just skimming this list in the first place?

Okay, we confess: We've never really liked the pizza at Hungry Howie's but, get this, we've actually eaten there a lot more often than the kids in the number seven spot. How can this be? We'll tell you the reason:

Coupons, mothereaders. Coupons!

Hungry Howie's mails out more 2-4-1 deals than any other mildly digestible pizza place across town or has ads in local publications inviting you to buy one large pizza at the regular price and get the second one for a mere nickel. Something like that. How many late night beer-fests have we been privy to only to put in a couple of bucks for a HH's run? Hate to say it but...a few. Unfortunately they have a delivery charge but! you can go pick it up and save $3 (you can't even eat in there, you have to go out to the curb or something) but for not a lot of cash you and your buddies can eat acceptable pizzas and continue on with your drinking regalia. As have we experienced.

Plus they have flavored crusts, like "Cajun", "ranch" and "garlic herb", that doesn't cost extra so occasionally you get a pal that really hasn't had authentic pizza but thinks the "sesame" crust choice is 'crazy awesome' and for that alone just seeing their beet red eyes light up just kind of warms you up inside.

Oh yeah, the kids love Hungry Howie's too. Maybe it's the blonde kid smiling at you in the ads or on the pizza box. Maybe because HH's is a few steps up from that $5 pre-made "Pizza Pizza" slop. We'll take Hungry Howie's over that or anything Payton Manning endorses anytime.

Look, the pizza at Hungry Howie's isn't bad but, it's not great....but we've eaten it. A few times. Alright, more than a few times. It's not sit down, like we said before, it's delivery (with a fee) or pick up only so if you're looking for a nice pizza place to go on a date you might wanna skip Hungry Howie's and go for the next four or five on the list. Unless your date likes "butter" crust and just wants to go back to the hotel room and watch a Toddlers and Tiaras marathon.

Then...Hungry Howie's is the pizza option for you.

Enjoy!

#5: Blackjack Pizza
2505 N. Campbell Ave.

It's fine.

You know, we've seen people eat in the store but...why? Blackjack is the ultimate in Campbell Avenue pizza delivery, and by "ultimate" we mean it's a decent pizza, for a decent price and we like the wings and their salads are actually kind of alright. Plus there is no delivery charge and we have never had to wait a long time to get our pizza. Which is why when the 11th hour of "what the heck are we doing for dinner" near argument happens we jump onto their website and do our worst.

It's fine.

Blackjack is the kind of pizza joint you might see in some movie that takes place in a small Midwestern town, one that is oddly quiet and somehow misty and like a strange occurrence just happened so the visiting investigators talk to the local youths at the neighborhood pizza place so they all meet here, chat about the weird "happening" and then munch on slices that the cops bought them.

"So did you know the kid who disappeared?"

*mouth full of pizza* "Yeah."

"So what was he like? Was he a good kid?"

*shrugs, not making eye contact* "I dunno. He was alright."

*cop smiles* "You like that pizza, huh?"

*kid takes another bite, adjusts in his seat, nervous* "It's alright."

Sort of like that.

Like we said, the wings are surprisingly tasty and their salads are generous for what you pay and the pizza is fair to middling. Apparently Blackjack is big in Colorado but there are only two here in Tucson and the one on Campbell holds the reign as top option for delivery. It beats the super corporate-ness of #7 and is a better product than #6, but as far as getting a tastebud blowing pizza experience you wont find it here. But...it's good.

It's fine.

What are we saying, we eat this stuff all the time. You know why?

Again with the coupons. Blackjack knows how to seduce us with a seeming deal don't they? Oh. Oh they do. And, you know, the pizza isn't bad.

It's fine.

#4: Pionic
2643 N. Campbell Ave.

If you keep up with the Tucson Homeskillet at all you know that we did a piece on Pionic around this time time last year. We said that if they were smart and did it right this could be a very very lucrative business. Well, so far they seem to be doing okay but, unfortunately, another similar concept has moved in across town and seems to be stealing a bit of their thunder. Not that people are driving out of their way to get to the other place (or maybe they are) but we still think Pionic has a ways to go before they become a household name.

On the bright side though...the pizza is getting better!

When we first stepped in a bit after they opened their doors, we were met with a fresh faced and eager crew waiting to take our order and make our food. See, you pick everything that you want on the pizza, from the sauce, to the type of cheese to the toppings, and with a high powered and very hot oven you get your product in about 90 seconds. Sounded interesting, slightly tempting, and it sure works for that Chipotle thingy, sans the 90 second cook time.

When we got the food we were agreeable with it although it lacked a bit of panache and flavor. Later, when we did the article, the food had improved but the staff had lost some of its, oh...shall we say, passion? The kid manning the dough area was rather distraught and sauce girl looked like she just got rejected for that college she wanted to get into. It seemed that after the initial "we're going to take over Campbell Avenue!" flourish subsided, the staff realized that they were working at just another pizza place and lost a bit of that of initial moxie.

Recently we had some of their pizza and the pasta and, yeah, Pionic is starting to step it up. It feels as if they are hitting a stride of sorts; the sauce was tangier, the ratio of cheese to toppings was more thought out, although the pasta was still a bit tough...but we're not here to talk about that. It's the pizza that's the focus buddy!

Best thing is that Pionic now delivers so folks in the immediate area have a sort of pizza Jimmy John's and we're sure (or at least hope so) that the owners of Pionic aren't out hunting elephants and lions, as the owner and CEO of JJ's does. And there's a JJ's on Campbell too! But screw them, Frankie's is right across the street and Pionic is right next door.

Do yourself as favor: Don't support a-hole franchises that is run by a dude that gets his jollies off of bagging giraffes, give your business to places like Pionic because it's a better product, a better service and you wont put dough in the pocket of some mega-douchebag.

Okay, done with the rant.

Pionic is good and we think it keeps getting better. Best part is if you are in a hurry this is the place to go. And it's local so...there's always that.

#3: Sauce
2990 N. Campbell Ave.

People swear by Sauce. Even folks that work in nearby pizza and pasta places do too. You know why we think it is?

Its the mac n cheese. Oh yeah. We've had our fair share of that stuff and, for real, it is the best thing on the menu. In our humble opinion.

But what about the pizza? We're here for the pizza!

Sauce's pizza is good. Always has been and always will be. The crust is systematically on point and the ingredients are fresh and done correct.

So why is Sauce #3 and not higher?

Atmosphere.

For us its a bit too sterile and since we're not big wine drinkers there are other locations that provide full bar service and offer up an amazing beer selection. But...we'll get to that later.

Sauce is the perfect Campbell Avenue spot to grab a lunch with friends that doesn't involve a billion flat screens playing sports or food that might slightly offend or even "challenge" you, which is oftentimes something you want when you're catching up with an old friend or chatting with co-workers on why management is such garbage. The food is good, the pizza is great but we like our pizza joints a little more comfortable, with some character along with a bit more danger involved.

It's complicated. But when you've spent time in New York, Chicago, LA and San Francisco before eating widely in Tucson, the pizza places there serve up exquisite amazingness yet always have a sheen of 'you might get stabbed here'. And we like that.

You wont get stabbed at Sauce.

We promise.

#2: Old Chicago
2960 N. Campbell Ave.

Oh the OC. What more can we say about you? You've been there for so long, made so many people happy, have like 110 beers on hand and, yes, employed Metal Mark as the pizza chef there for a few years.

So...there's that.

That's why Old Chicago is #2. We know what goes into the making of the pizzas; the time, the ingredients, the handmade dough...sure OC is a corporate run restaurant but it is the least "corporate-y" of the lot. Best part is that Old Chicago is always bringing in new ideas and pizza concepts that oftentimes work, sometimes not, but at least they take that chance which is what we like and keeps us coming back for more. Their new 'ale crust' option is delightful and a great accompaniment to whatever toppings of pizza you prefer. This place has been in the neighborhood since the '90s and is still the go-to location to watch the game, get a craft beer, both local and from all over the globe, along with delectable pizzas that are always awesome.

Here's the thing: Old Chicago, literally, has one of the best happy hour deals in town. Half off pizzas, $3 craft pints, dollar bites and so on which happens twice a day and that is something that you wont read about in some "Best of" list about Tucson. Just stop in to see what they have going on happy hour wise and see for yourself.

For us, there is just too many good memories about Old Chicago. If the food was terrible and the company was crap and the staff was the worst then, yeah, we would have placed it far back on this list but...it's not. It's fun. It's kind of home. And, yes, it has one of the the best bartenders in town who has won recognition for her Bloody Mary's.  Although we are being a bit biased because Metal Mark has been married to her for over ten years.

But we digress!

No, seriously, Old Chicago is great, a midtown Tucson institution, and for that alone we have to bow down and recognize the tradition it has given the locals over the years. That's something you really don't hear about except for locally owned places. Old Chicago might be a chain but it's as local as you can get with corporate backing.

Plus they have the World Beer Tour which basically means you get free stuff just for drinking beer. Umm...yes please!

The pizzas though...so good. And we should know: We made them for five years.

You're welcome!

#1: Upper Crust Pizza
1909 E. Grant Rd (Just off of Campbell though!)

Easy.

Upper Crust, in that neighborhood, just off of Campbell, right across the street from Bookman's, is hands down your go to destination for pizza here. Sure, some are going to protest this while others are just going to go "Well, duh!", but let it be known that Upper Crust wins this round with ease.

First off, let's get the obvious out of the way: Got it. Upper Crust is not "officially" on Campbell Avenue. It's really on Grant, but all you have to do is walk a few steps off of the main drag and you are there. The pizza here is superb and we have never been disappointed with the service or product. Sure others in town might take the crown for 'most awesome slice' but on this stretch the honor goes to Upper Crust.

Easy. 

And speaking of slices, their deal for $5 gets you a fountain drink along with a monster slice the size of your chest. For reals. We oftentimes have to grab a knife and separate it into three or four mini slices just to make sense of the whole thing. But it is always flavorful, cooked to perfection, loaded up just right and we have never left the place hungry.

Yes. Upper Crust is a comfy spot to dig into some of the best pizza in Tucson. We love the window seats which offer up some free people watching entertainment as you dive into a masterful work of pizza perfection. So, speaking of dates, we think this would be a nice spot to take your person of interest to. It's fairly quiet, it has a good amount of tables and seats (now that they have expanded) and just funky and dark enough to make it a locale to get to know one another. Not to mention if your possible suitor doesn't like the food here then you can just straight dump their azz.

Who doesn't like the pizza here? People that wanna get dumped, that's who.

Okay, sometimes the delivery can take a while at times but, who cares? When you call at 9pm on a Saturday just when, oh...we don't know, everybody else in the immediate vicinity has the same idea you just might have to be patient. Pizza of this quality takes a bit of time so just chill, Netflix, crack open another tall cold one and just anticipate the awesome that is about to be dropped off at your front door. Isn't modern living grand?

This is one of the few places in Tucson where we actually like to eat in house. Not too sure why. Maybe because it reminds us of past pizzarias in large metropolitan cities where the food is incredible, the space is neat and comfy but, because of the location, you just might get stabbed.

And we like that.

But, really, you wont get stabbed at Upper Crust pizza. Well, we can't say you wont ever but it's most likely you'll just get shanked with a food baby. We always do. And we love it.

Upper Crust pizza...you our only friend!

In the midtown, Campbell Avenue area that is.

Well...yeah.

And there you have it! Our top seven pizzarias on the Campbell Avenue restaurant row stretch. We hope this has been helpful and we are sorry if you totally disagree with us.

Actually...no. We're not. We've done the time, done the research and if you want to compile a list of favorite places to eat in your neck of the woods, please do so.

For now we are going to kick back, relax, and eat some amazing pizza off of Campbell Avenue.

Although, just for karma sake, we have to list just one more place.

And if you've been there, you know why:

Honorable Mention
Grimaldi's
446 N. Campbell Ave.

Technically not a part of the Campbell Avenue restaurant collection but, still...Grimaldi's Brooklyn based brick oven pizzaria is on Campbell Avenue, near the University, a good half mile away from the stretch, and the pizza there rocks. Like seriously amazing. So we just wanted to give a shout to yet another pizza place on Campbell since Upper Crust really isn't, officially, on Campbell Avenue...technically. You know what we mean, right?

Okay, thanks...

Cheers!


Camera, Typing and Eating
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Rainy Day in Early September, 2016

Metal Influence: 

MANOWAR

"Battle Hymn"

"A Dumpster Fire Wrapped in a Tortilla"

"Did you hear that Gene Wilder died?"

"What? No. Crap. Man, he was amazing. What memories. 'Young Frankenstein'. 'Willie Wonka'. 'The Producers'. 'Stir Crazy'. 'Blazing...'"

"You know what? They now make a Whopper as a burrito."

Brief silence

"Well I guess we can't grieve forever..." 

For God's sake!

(What you are about to read are the strained notes and recordings of a very harrowing 24 hours. This is all part of the Tucson Homeskillet eating a fast food mega-conglomerate's version of one of their signature beefy sandwiches turned "Mexican". Yes. Spiced burger meat with lettuce, pickles, onions and some kind of cheese drool wrapped in a gummy tortilla and served up for like $3 or something. We lost count of the cash. Because we have none. We lost count of the amount of drippy tube woe we ordered. Because we went a little insane. Please read with caution because things kind of got ugly. And greasy. And somehow nearly got one of us deported.

But for those brave enough, please enjoy and endure our descent into a flame grilled, made with 100% beef hallucination. One that can only be described as: 'Iffy'.

Now sit back, relax and pray for those that barely made it out without the aid of Zantac and a priest.

We give you...The Whopperrito!)

As big as Chili's head...and that's a big head

Taking the Whopperritos out of the bag

"These things are kinda big."

"Yeah. Kinda heavy too."

"How much were they?"

"I dunno. Four bucks or something. Each."

Unwrapping them, staring at them for a moment

"We live in Tucson. Is this some kind of sacrilege?'

"It totally is."

"I'm a little scared."

"Me too buddy. Me too..."

No going back now

Taking bites, contemplating, examining, nervously adjusting in our seats, grimacing

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"Tastes like a dumpster fire wrapped in a tortilla."

"Yep. Sorta like a Wilford Brimley pap smear."

"I get the Whopper thing but...that aint burger meat. No idea what that is."

"Is this...'cheese'?"

"Could be. Like hockey nacho squeeze gone seriously rogue. Good thing it comes with a salsa."

"Is that what that is?"

"Is it?"

 "Are we, you know, gonna be....okay?"

Long pause

"I doubt it."

*heavy sighs* 

Unholy creation...be gone!

"Well...what do we do now?"

"We wait."

10 seconds later

"I feel....funky."

"Things are not going our way I'm afraid."

"I can smell...shapes."

"Absolutely. Like Selena Gomez is crawling up my leg right now. I think she...wants something."

"Too late now. Better cave in to her demands. It's for the best you know."

"I think she wants some sort of Satanic ritualistic sacrifice. Is that...true?"

"Dunno. You wanna play darts?"

"Is that legal?"

*Best Emperor Palpatine impression*

"I will make it legal!"

Some darts to lighten our darkening moods

"What possessed them to make the Whopperrito in the first place?"

"Not too sure. Same goes for Mount Rushmore. Nothing like desecrating sacred land with honky propaganda. Say, I can't feel my thumbs!"

Bit of a pause, things get garbled here, some mumbling

"Yeah but how many times have you seen 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'?"

"Is there a number that can climb that high?"

"More alcohol?"

"Is there a number that can climb that high?"

This is when the madness began to settle in

"Did you just make a cocktail out of a Whopperrito?"

"It's what the King would want."

"Elvis?"

"JEEZE! Is he here?"

"That's the cheese ooze terror talking. You know he's shacked up with Salman Rushdie and Marilyn Monroe in Jersey right? He can't be here."

"Twenty six grams of fat, almost two grams of saturated fat, seventy five milligrams of cholesterol, fifty nine grams of carbohydrates and well over one thousand milligrams of sodium!"

Another break

"So. Foosball?"

"It's what the King would want."

It's just a foos paradise

"So would you ever order one of these things again?"

"I can't even see my shoes. What kind of question is that?"

"I heard a bunch of people like this thing. Why is that?"

"Nickleback has sold millions of albums. Competitive vaping is a thing. Ann Coulter. It's just, well...part of our landscape. It's just..."

"Whoa! What the heck is that?"

*Unnerving shaking and swirling of darkness into our immediate reality*

"Wait. Is this...normal?"

"Huh. Never thought about it. The summoning rift between our reality and that brought on by the fact that we ate Whopperritos without any inclination of consequence or thought to what we might do to the ensuing churn of possible human plight due to our gluttonous disposition."

"Yep."

"Yep."

"You ready for another one?"

 "Um. Sure. But first, lemme..."


*Heads off to the lavatory only to...*

The abyss stared back...hard

Madness.

*Roiling, contorting, singing tunes from "South Pacific", but not all that good*

"So....what do we do now?"

"There's only one thing really."

"You mean? No! You can't mean...."

"Yes. I do mean."

Pause. 

*More demonic stuff happening here, like crazy weird shizz...not cool but way awesome*

"Wait. What do you mean?"

"There can be only one that can explain all this tortilla wrapped insanity."

"Word. And the tortilla isn't even that good. It's all chewy and mass produced. Not a good accompaniment to..."

"SILENCE! We must now consult with the almighty master of wisdom and bad food authority."

"You mean...?"

"Yes. We must seek out the advice and guidance from none other than...Lil' Poundcake!"


*Angels sing, harps strum, horns bellow, can openers buzz and spill tuna water all over the kitchen floor*


Amen!

I will do thy bidding oh great fuzzy master

*After licking her butt for six minutes*

"You must go to the Mexican Consulate and seek redemption. This is my mandate and it is the only way to achieve true vindication of such heinous crimes against the burrito universe."

"But...it's not my fault. I just ate the stupid thing."

"You will then get me tasty fishy treats and rub my belly for an hour. I will love it but I will show you displeasure by biting your hand whilst you rub. But if you stop, I will only look at you as if you are some kind of monster. And then! When you begin to rub my belly again, I will kick at you with my hind legs trying to throw you off."

"But....why? Why oh fluffy empress who occasionally poops in the hall?"

"It is a puzzle wrapped in a enigma then wrapped again in a riddle then packaged in a quandary and then shipped off to the island of seriously-what-the-fxxk."

*Bows head*

Later

At the Mexican Consulate

"On behalf of all guilt ridden and slightly privileged Caucasians, please allow me to extend our deepest and most sincere apolo..."

Gets immediately bum rushed by security, thrown out, then asked to turn off cameras and to see our credentials 

"Hey man. It's not my fault. You see, my cat, Lil' Poundcake, had very firm, very direct instructions for me to..."

Gets tazed 

"I....I have failed you, oh wise and...fuzzy master..."

Dies

You can't say we didn't try, only following orders our cat gave us

(It was at this point that things got blurry. The line between reality and the severely battered subconscious grew dimmer and dimmer.

The Whopperrito had won this battle but thanks to some fans of the Tucson Homeskillet, and the advice of a spectral Selena Gomez, a dark ritual was performed and redemption came in the form of an altar of sacrifice, banishing the forsaken fast food menu item to the deepest dimension of spicy beef hate and tortilla wrapped torment.

So let this be a lesson of warning to you dear food blog reader: Proceed unto the drive-thru with extreme caution. We did not fare well with this challenge so with a bit of luck, an iron stomach and taste buds that have long been put to pasture due to stupid food trials such as this one, you might do a bit better than the recent victims here did.

Or just skip this crap all together. There are a lot better options to get your burrito fix in. Just saying.

The choice...IS YOURS!)

Back to the realm of shadows with you!

Thank you for reading.

Good night and good luck.

P.S. : No toilets were harmed in the making of this blog.

Just kidding. We destroyed a couple.

Just kidding. A ton of toilets were laid to waste.

Sorry about that.

Sincerely,

The Tucson Homeskillet

RIP our bowels and sanity

Camera, Typing and Still Missing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
First Accursed Week In September, 2016

Metal Influence:

DEATH

"Scream Bloody Gore"