The Brief Time I Drove A Truck For Ace Hardware

As many of you know, I haven't had a proper day job since February. For those that don't know...I haven't had a day job since February. 

I left my position with the Pima County Library for various reasons. It was the day job I have had the longest, 7 years, second only to working in kitchens before becoming a food writer. 

The scoop on me leaving the library came down to getting in trouble with administration. I had made a comment on a friend's Facebook post in October of last year, one regarding the guy who held up Mi Nidito and him getting 30 years in prison. I stated something like "Oh yeah, I think that dude used to come into my library and use the computers. Total dipshit." Then on Xmas eve, at work and an hour before we were about to go home, I get a phone call. It was the three head honchos of the library inquiring about the post. Having it been 2 months later, I didn't know what they were talking about. It took some prodding on their part to get me to remember. They then asked that I delete the comment and that my employment was now under review. 

Since the friend in question has thousands of Facebook followers, it took a while to find the post, find my response and delete it. Needless to say Xmas was ruined. I spent all day, not just hungover from worry drinking, but confused about what had happened. When I returned to work after the holiday, I decided to take a break for a bit. I really needed to think about things for a week or two along with sobering up. For one, how did they find my comment? Was I being monitored? If so, do I want to work for a place that does such things? And who lays down crap news like that on Xmas eve? They couldn't have waited a day or two? 

During my leave, my wife got really sick and was in hospital for a week. So I took more time off. After being away for nearly 3 weeks, I was finally back at work. Nothing was said about the phone call or the "incident". My supervisor and branch manager hadn't heard a word from the higher ups. I guess deleting that comment was all they needed.

Then one day I get a visit from the head of HR who handed me a folder full of paperwork. She said that if I wanted to fight for my position, I would have to show up, with representation if possible, in a week or two at the main branch offices. Again, this happened an hour before I went home for the 3 day Presidents Day holiday.  

I showed the paperwork to my wife who immediately said "When you go back to work on Monday, hand in your letter of resignation. You're done there and I am done with them." She had recently gotten a big promotion at work and we were doing quite well financially. So I typed up a quick letter of resignation and when I went in on Monday, I handed it to the librarian in change, then cleaned out drawers of my stuff, took one last look around and left. 

Afterwards, I slept for almost a week. 

Because of the nature of me leaving the library, I couldn't get unemployment. I got an interview with the Community Food Bank, helping with their marketing department, but didn't get it. Then I passed all of the steps to land a position with a company called Imperfect Produce, which provides "ugly" food that would normally get thrown out but are perfectly edible, for customers and restaurants. Sounded like an ideal job for me. The interview went really well and they said they would contact me in a week or two. That was on a Friday. On Monday I got an email from them saying that I would not be moving forward. Wait...what? Why? Very strange. I totally thought I landed that gig. 

Then...nothing. Just the Weekly. No responses to inquiries or applications for a part or full time day job. Summer was about to hit and nobody was hiring a 48 year old weirdo like me. Admittedly I did fall into some despair and there was a moment or two that my mental health was being closely monitored. I do harbor a chemical imbalance that rears it dark and stupid head on occasion. I don't really remember most of April to be honest. 

Then an opportunity fell into my lap. The owner of three Ace Hardware's, who frequents my wife's restaurant, heard about my plight and offered me a job. 

"We need a guy to drive the truck a few times a week. Move transfers from store to store. Deliver items to customers. Stuff like that."

So I filled out the application, passed the background check and before long I was now the official IST (inter-store transfer) driver for a trio of busy Ace Hardware's. 

And this is the truck I got to drive...  

Nickname: Big Red

Now, I am not a macho guy. I do not frequent hardware stores. I haven't driven big trucks since my time working film production in the mid/late '90s. So I was a little nervous taking this job. 

After 2 days of training, I was set loose on my own. Driving "Big Red" was pretty easy, and a whole lot of fun. It was cool, and, yes, slightly macho to sit in that truck, raised above everyone else, and power through the streets of Tucson. Yeah man.

Anyway, here is what the job entailed:

  

A couple of times a week, usually around 10am, I'd arrive at the Ace on Campbell Ave., clock in, say hi to whomever was in the back and go check on my agenda for the day. They had set up a dry erase board with customer deliveries, special requests, errands, etc. After I put my backpack full of water and snacks on the passenger side of the truck, I'd go back and see what items had to be transferred to what store. The Campbell store was 'store 1' and designated with green sheets, the Wetmore store was 'store 2', yellow sheets, the Ina store was, yep, '3' and used pink sheets.

Since I started around the beginning of summer, most big deliveries were outdoor grills and smokers. But mainly what I did was drive customer requests from one store to another while also delivering folders to the office managers, which contained, well...manager stuff. Say that the Campbell store had a specific hose that the Ina store didn't but an Ina store customer really wanted that hose so I'd move it from Campbell to Ina. No big deal. Not a lot of brain work here.

What I did like is that I was physical again. I haven't sweated that much since being a cook and working in kitchens. It was nice. And pretty fun. Driving Big Red was a hoot. I'd just play NPR all afternoon while jamming around town in this big truck with a lift gate on the back. Look at me. I'm a tough guy now!

Some days were pretty easy and I'd be done in like 2 or 3 hours. Grill delivery days, especially if I had to go to the outskirts of southern Arizona or way into the deep reaches of the foothills or Marana, would take a bit longer. The longest days were delivering goods to the prison way out on Wilmot. That was interesting. After I passed my background check I got the go ahead to deliver stuff to the prison, which took forever. Not only because it was pretty far but due to the fact that the officers on duty had to check every item and double check, leaving me just standing around looking at dudes in orange jumpsuits walk around the yard behind massive fences laced with barbed wire.

One time a prison delivery was short a few items, some gloves I think. The next delivery day I had to drive all the way back out there, pass the big security gate where they take my backpack, driver's license and anything that might pose a "threat", such as rope, drive down the dusty and very bumpy road and hand them a packet of gloves. It probably would have been cheaper to mail them but, whatever. I was getting paid so it really didn't matter. 

One time coming back from the prison, I began to get really lightheaded. It then dawned on me that the air wasn't working and it was a good 110 outside. So over the weekend they had it fixed which set them back three grand. The look on the face of the big boss was priceless. He was not happy.

There were times when I delivered just a hammer or shovel to someone just a few blocks away from a store. And sometimes I got a tip. It was rare but it did happen. 

Everything was going okay though. I was making some extra money. I was getting out of the house a few times a week. I'd come home dirty and covered in sweat, which the wife always found enticing. It was pretty alright.

There were, unfortunately, some slip ups on my end here and there. It happens right? Accidents do occur in a line of work such as that.

One was a can of white paint that literally leapt from the cab of the truck to the back parking area of the Ina store on my first solo drive. Parking there was a bit precarious because you were on a slant so when I went to open the passenger side door, whoosh!, the can of paint just flew out. Almost comically. So if you ever go the back area of the Ace at Ina and Thornydale and see a big white paint mess...thats me. You're welcome.

Another was delivering a grill to a nutty lady who resided on a very narrow street. After I put the grill on her back patio, and her tipping me in some loose change and some crumpled 1's, I backed the truck out and knocked her mailbox over. Oops. When I got out I noticed that the mailbox was secured by some wire but no real damage had been done. So I latched the mailbox back on, went to the front door, rang the bell and explained what had happened. She didn't seem fazed at all. It looked as if my apologies were enough. Whew!

Then a few days later she calls the Wetmore store to complain.  She was probably sitting around thinking about all the free stuff she could get off of that oopsie. Funny thing is, if I didn't tell her about it she probably would have never noticed that I had bumped that box. Oh creff, is there anything you can't do?

Then on a Monday, my last stop at Ina, I hit a big bump while moving a bunch of stuff from the back to the truck and, you got it, spilled another can of white paint. The big boss was actually there, saw it, went "Huh" and moved on. I guess it was no big deal.

Then after my run on Friday I was called into the office by the Campbell store manager. She said she had to let me go because I was dropping too many items, that I was costing them too much money. I tried to explain that sometimes humans drop things, sometimes you bump into a big mailbox on a slender path of a driveway. I was never late, I was always flexible with my schedule and ready to help out whenever needed...but that wasn't enough. So I just shrugged, clocked out and came home.

Some of the guys that work at the Campbell store frequently come into my wife's restaurant. Over some beers they said that the super slow time was approaching and having an extra guy on that was making slightly more an hour just wasn't needed. I had also heard that they go through employees like tissue, sort of like the mom and pop burger place where I was kitchen manager. One mistake and out you go. How do people run businesses like that? It's so odd to me.

Whatever.

A week later I picked up my last check and that was that.

So now I am back on the hunt for a decent day job. No real bites yet, a nibble here and there, but it is rough for a 48 year old kook like me to land a straight job these days. For now I have time to work on book projects, proposals, the Weekly and this blog while being the best house husband I can be.

Being around hardware store folk has kind of rubbed off a bit. The bathroom sink leaks a little bit if you don't shut it off right. Guess I better get on that.

Yeah man.

Macho.

Welp, it was fun while it lasted

Camera, Typing and Back on the Day Job Hunt

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

Just a Few Months in 2019

Metal Influence: 

TRUCKFIGHTERS

"Gravity X"

 

More Than A (GUT) Feeling

My little dog and pony show of a blog here, along with the weekly newspaper I contribute to, has landed me in with some of the coolest kids in town. Mainly culinary, as the Homeskillet is still, mostly, food focused and I am the head Chow writer for the Weekly.

In my near hermit-like oblivion of secluded living as I approach 50 years walking around as Mark Whittaker, it's always nice to get out now and then and hang with those cool kids. If you've kept up with this here blog, you know that every summer I attend, as much as I can, the monthly GUT dinners at the Carriage House. Unfortunately, because I got the dates wrong, I missed the first dinner this summer. That's on me. But I did attend the 2nd held in late July, which had the "Time Travel" theme, where chefs had to create dishes with ingredients from the decade they were given. If you recall my online posts, one of the highlights was a cheese platter (popular in the 70's, you know like fondue and stuff) with a squid ink infused cheese ball that was shaped like the Death Star, along with crackers resembling an exploding Alderaan. Totally awesome.

That's what these imaginative chefs do every year and every year they keep upping the ante to showcase our local culinary talent.

The last GUT dinner for 2019 had the distinction of carrying the "Deception!" tagline of intrigue. Meaning food that looked nothing like the actual flavor or focus of the dish. You've seen plenty of trickery like that if you watch enough food channel shows or follow multi-starred chefs such as Grant Achatz or Ferra Adria, who literally can make food float.

Here though, we were treated to plates that were a bit more down to Earth in whimsy.

As we all found a seat in the sold out event, we were treated to passed around 'dessert first' appetizers. One stand out was a chocolate truffle filled with chicken mole. You see...deception! Wasn't expecting that to hit my tongue. The smoked salmon mousse macaroons were a lot of fun too. We were also treated to a fantastic cocktail of fruit puree, almond extract, lime juice and cinnamon tea mixed with Banks 5 rum. It was paired with a miracle berry so the first sip you got was a bit sour but then after eating the berry, it turned sweet. Duplicity! Clever, clever...

First course held the title of "Coal and Stone" featuring an amazing strip of sous vide flat iron steak over 'esquites', or Mexican street corn salad. The deception here were the "stones", that were actually these savory, and slightly sticky, mochi balls. Were they mochi? Did I hear right? Get back to me so I can make this right.

For the 2nd, we got "eclairs". But wait! This is the Deception! dinner. They, uh, weren't eclairs. Tee hee. They were, get this...roasted green chile fondue tamales. Yes! With a black bean mousseline, which is sorta like Hollandaise, and a dark chocolate chicken mousse. The texture for this one was a little striking but all in all the flavors melded really smoothly for an extremely playful plate.

The 3rd, or the 'intermezzo', was served in an ashtray (that's right!) featuring smoked salmon formed into 'cigarettes', with a melon and lime granita, basically a semi-frozen dessert, resembling ash and a red pepper gastric. Watching some at my table giggle at this gag made me laugh so hard. Because I did a little when it was placed in front of me. It was a bit too real looking. Well done chefs! Well done.

The 4th course was the GUT diner portion of the evening. They took a scalloped beef tenderloin and paired it with gnocchi resembling potatoes O'Brien, some mango hot sauce formed into a 'yolk' with a halibut gelee as the 'whites' of the egg. Wow. The tenderloin was almost sausage-like in it's approach but matched with that 'egg' and the gnocchi home fries was really enjoyable.


The dessert is what totally caught me off guard. It was, in its essence, a banana split but looked more like a refined squid plate. There was a molded tentacle infused with squid ink and cherry along with chocolate and pineapple caviar, peanut butter 'sand', and this incredible dome of fermented banana Bavarian cream with a strawberry gelee center. Unreal. 

To check out the Deception! dishes, just scroll on down...

Thats no eclair...thats a tamale

That flat iron steak was killer

Gnocci "home fries" and mango hot sauce/halibut gelle "egg"

Smoke that trout if you got 'em

I sea what you did there

As always, I just want to thank Devon Sanner (exec chef of the Carriage House) and Mat Cable (of Fresco Pizza and Tucson Originals) for always letting a dork like me be a part of such awesomeness as this. You guys rule.

I also want to thank the whole GUT collective for continually proving to the rest of the culinary landscape that Tucson is a tasty threat to be taken quite seriously.

Respect to Obadiah (Obie Serious) Hindman and Aurelio Garcia from Mountain Oyster Club, Susan Fulton and Mary Steiger of Gourmet Girls, Vanessa Moon of Old Pueblo Provisions, Penca's David Solorzano and Thomas Golden, Ken Foy from Dante's Fire, Amanda Prewitt from The Lodge at Ventana Canyon, The Parish's own Travis Peters and Rica Rances, Sam Arnold of the Doubletree Suites, Mama Louisa's Mikey Elefante, Mayra Silva from Casino del Sol, Izzak Morhaim of The Hub,  Janet Jones of Tanque Verde Ranch, Roderick Ledesma from PY Steakhouse, Stacy Vernooy of Chef Chic along with Dominique Stoller, Max Provost, Nohemi Estrada, Brently Singletary and of course Lindy "Thunder Bacon" Reilly.

I love you all. I thank you all. And I can't express how honored I am to be a part of it all.

See you at the next event.

Cheers! 

Camera, Typing and Feeling the GUT Love
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Another Tasty Summer, 2019

Metal Influence: 

GUT ABSORBER

"Scream Bloody Metal"

Three Is A Magic Number

Unfortunately, we were a little late in the Three Sisters culinary series game.

We did get an invite to the first one held at Hotel Congress on May 3rd in their copper room, which featured James Beard award winning pizza master Chris Bianco, along with chefs from Maynard's and Cup Cafe, but due to some medical issues we had to skip out. Sucks.

The second in the series, that took place at the Westward Look Resort, sold out so fast that when we rsvp'd we quickly got a polite "Sorry". Hey, it makes sense. Paying customers come first. Freeloaders like me with a funky blog can wait. Although it was on me that I made my press reservation late. I thought it was happening on July 29th. It was slated for JUNE 29th. C'mon Mark. Get yo crap sorted.

This time we made darn sure to attend the final episode in the tasty trilogy: Brunch at The Lodge at Ventana Canyon.

Oh yeah. The Homeskillet got down with the brunch crowd.

Nice day for it

So what exactly is "three sisters"? No it does not refer to triplets or a trio of nuns. I mean, it could, but in this instance it involves an agricultural practice of planting together corn, beans and squash. Basically three main components that are an integral in our Sonoran landscape.

Hosted by SAACA (Southern Arizona Arts and Culture Alliance), along with Native Seeds/SEARCH, this was a three day event to feature the soul ingredients in so many of our heritage foods. Not a bad was to spend a summer night.

Or late morning for the brunch I attended.

Amazing food and getting a bit of education on our southern Arizona horticulture?

Let's do this!

Getting educated with Native Seeds

Here's the thing: as the food writer for the Tucson Weekly, I do get invites to fancy events and plated dinners now and then. It's a lot of fun, if not a smidge of pressure to get gussied up and being prepared to kiss hands and shake babies, but going to high end resorts, for me anyway, is slightly uncomfortable.

Ventana Canyon is basically a golf and tennis getaway for good folks that have made themselves some good money. Then here I come, some 48 year old aging skate punk and Metalhead in tattered Vans and a vintage Acapulco shirt mingling with those that could buy and sell me as an afterthought.

Sure I grew up on the California coast, calling Carmel my hometown, and spent a lot of time in Palm Springs where the dads lived until their death in 2014, so you'd think it'd be easy for me to ease into a well manicured resort where the biggest health threat is getting run over by a renegade golf cart.

Meh. I'm fine with it but...just not my scene man.

Still. It's always nice to get included with the well-to-do's during fun get-togethers such as this one.

Cheers SAACA!

These guys kept it lively

The Three Sisters brunch was held in the lodge at Ventana, essentially the rumpus room for guests who just went over par the the 18th green and looking to swig back a few to forget the bet they placed earlier staking that they would birdie on each hole.

It was pretty packed. Two dudes calling themselves the Troy Grey Duo (and I assume one of them was indeed Troy Grey) played peppy guitar music as people swirled around from one food station to another.

The chefs at Ventana were set up in the far left corner, flipping omelets equipped with, you got it, beans, corn and squash. One lady kept asking the head chef to make her omelet nice and hard. "I don't like runny eggs!", she informed. So the chef cooked hers a bit longer. When he was about to plate, the lady in the big hat proclaimed, "Oh no! I need to have my eggs brown!"

The chef and I locked eyes for a second. His expression was a quick and near invisible "Are you fxxking kidding me?" while I scrunched my face as if to say "You fxxking kidding me?" In the end the lady got her way overdone omelet and she was more than happy about it.

Hey. Different strokes man. 

Horchata coffee shots...yum

The SweetScapes Dessert kids from Casino del Sol were there with a literal wall of scratch made donuts. I plucked one off, a maple pecan I believe, and enjoyed it with a shot of horchata inspired espresso. So good. Those donuts were very light without a hint of that usual greasy fry you get with most store bought variety.

To their right was some reps from Nook that offered up a corn quiche with a black bean salsa. Very nice. I did take a picture of it but it came out kinda fuzzy because I got knocked by an older fella who was probably on his third mimosa. Whatever.

Hey, brunch aint brunch without some booze in that o.j. right? And, hey, congrats on getting to old man status. You earned that late morning buzz bro.

Now grab yourself a donut and do a silly dance for you purple golf shirt wearing freak.

I love it.

These made me go nuts

And, yes, there was a mimosa station and a bloody mary one as well. If you made your way down the hall, heading toward the retail store and gym, there was a full bar, but...c'mon. I like to drink as much as the next degenerate, but one thing I don't get into is day drinking. Maybe in my 20s I did it but all it ever did for me was make me take a nap in the late afternoon only to wake up as the sun is going down with that sun booze frontal head pound.

I guess the idea is to just drink more. Jeeze. But then...where does it end? Will it end?

Here's a conundrum: Do you want it to end?

Yikes.

I didn't have a mimosa because I'm not big on champagne, but I did have a small cup of a bloody mary made with Tito's vodka. Spicy, briny and yummy. I seriously had to stop myself from ordering a big boy mug of the stuff. It wasn't even noon and I had a 30 minute drive back home. I guess I'm sort of a responsible adult. Yuck.

It was cool to see someone from Button Brew House there, serving up a taster of their chiltepin infused red ale. It took a second, but the heat from the pepper eventually kicked it.

Caliente!

It aint brunch without a proper mimosa

The hooch and food was making me drowsy, so I meandered over to the Yellow Brick Coffee table for a pick me up.

Yellow Brick is easily one of my top 3 for local coffee roasters. The blend served that day was so well balanced with some slight acidity. It was the slow infusion method and after my cup I knew I was ready for more damage. Boink. Yep...I'm awake.

Thanks Yellow Brick Coffee!

Or a cup of good strong coffee

Okay. You remember what I said earlier, about being awkward at higher end festivals and such? Well one of the best parts about my job is meeting and making friends with some awesome people.

One such person is chef Wendy Gauthier, who just won the latest Iron Chef Tucson. Hooray! I was there to watch her win and being witness to the first lady to take the honor of Iron Chef Tucson was, well, an honor. Plus I wrote about her for the Weekly a year or two ago so we've remained close ever since.

Wendy and her crew were dishing out black bean breakfast quesadillas and corn grits. It's bites like that which make you realize how she won Iron Chef. So tasty.

A baker that I have made good friends with after our initial hanging out for a future Weekly article is Chelle Jennings, who runs the Mad Batter Bakery. She's a bit like Wendy where she does more catering and special orders rather than owning an actual brick and mortar. Although Wendy does run a cafe in the Daily Star building but is known for her catered events and meal preps.

Chelle, dealing with a recent loss of her cat, was a but late. No one really seemed to mind though because her maize cinnamon rolls with a brown butternut squash agave filling were divine.

Chelle, much like me, is home all day working so we got into the habit of texting one another when we needed a break or were bored. And I was really sad to hear about the passing of her cat. When the time comes for Lil Poundcake to move on, you better believe that I will be silent for a while. Probably hiding in some beach hut near my hometown, equipped with nothing but tater tots and whiskey till the sting subsides.

But its a beautiful day so...let's not dwell on the inevitable.

Chef Wendy serving up smiles and black bean quesadillas

Another culinary badass I was fortunate to write about and become pals with is chef Maria Mazon of Boca Tacos y Tequila. This lady, who is quickly becoming quite the local celebrity, offered up chilaquiles with a black bean guajillo sauce and corn crema. Absolutely amazing if not a bit decadent. She was cooking along with her wife and the two seemed to be having a blast. I would be too if I was serving up mega delicious food with my wife as well. But my lady is even more of a recluse than I am when it comes to events such as this. Plus she's always working keeping a busy midtown restaurant running properly.

And that, as they say, is girl power!

The always entertaining and brilliant chef Maria

Once again, thank you SAACA for the invitation. Once my golf resort anxiety cooled down I ended up having a lot of fun. Especially with some friends in the midst. And cheers to Native Seeds for providing the tools to further the cause of why living in Tucson is so rad.

But most of all, lets give it up to the three sisters, corn, beans and squash. Where would we be without them. Slightly more hungry and less satisfied I would presume. Its because of them, and everyone else involved, that got us that UNESCO nod in the first place. Which makes my job as a food writer that more interesting. And easier.

When I returned home, I laid down on the bed for a spell. I was pretty full and swimming from so much awesome. Then Lil Poundcake jumped up next to me and nuzzled in. I gave her a good head rub and was so thankful to have her with me and, above all, have such fortune as to be included with all of this deliciousness our desert hamlet has to offer.

I may be switching gears on this blog a bit, expanding its horizons beyond just food, but just know that if I can't get something in the Weekly, you better believe it'll make the digital pages of the Homeskillet.

And, as always, thanks for reading my stuff.

Cheers!

He got them straight up skillet skillz

Camera, Typing and Stone Cold Brunching
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
A Perfect Saturday in August, 2019

Metal Influence: 

BLOOMING CARRIONS

"Sisters in Blooming Flesh"

Beyond Meat Me at Del Taco Bro!

Testing! Testing! One...two...testing!

Hey, uh, is this thing on?

Dude, and fellow Homeskilleteers, it was made quite apparent that there was a big server kaboom or some internal bug that got in and kind of messed things up for us here. So we gon' try this again.

Del Taco now offers 'Beyond Meat' (aka, totally plant based "protein") tacos and burritos and since I kind of hate Del Taco I decided to give them a try.

Not because I hate myself, its because you, mercifully, wont buy these. Or maybe you will. Then after you read this we can compare notes.

You ready?

*deep breath*

Let's go!

The ingredient abbreviations almost spell something naughty

Okay. Here's the thing with me and Del Taco:

I am from California, where these things run rampant much like the Circle K's here in Tucson. Simply put, they are everywhere. And, its not like they are terrible, it's just...they're not very good. Del Taco is fine. It's there when you need it. But if it's near a local taqueria you then need to ask yourself: do I need it? Probably not. Go for the mom and pop taco shop and get you something a bit more authentic. But if you were like me and you're cruising on the lonely roads of some desert estate and the rumbles in yo tumbles begin to take warrant, and the option is a Del Taco then, yes. Go ahead my friend. Get you some Del Taco.

The last time I had Del Taco was several years ago, visiting my dads in Palm Springs, sometime before they both passed in 2014. The wife and I were just baffled as to how many there were in that area. Dumbfounded. So much in fact that we just pulled into one, ordered some glop and went for it. Actually in a Del Taco. That is always a bad idea. Sitting next to folks that think the food is actual "Mexican" fare in those hard plastic booth chairs watching the city traffic blur by can be quite the polarizing experience. If you want a soft glimpse into what depression is actually like then do that.

The wife straight hated the food. Called it pure garbage. For me I wasn't as bold in my opinion. It tasted like, well, Del Taco. A complete sibling of the Bell variety. But like the one who had to go to a special school because they don't excel widely enough in academics and got caught stealing erasers from a previous institution's teachers lounge.

That said I rolled up to the one here in Tucson, on Broadway and Euclid, and ordered me up three different options of their Beyond Meat treats: a regular ol' taco, the avocado taco and the 8 layer burrito. This time though I opted to take them home instead of sitting and taking pictures next to those customers that never ever seem to be stoked to be eating in a Del Taco. Deliberating in front of our cat Lil Poundcake seemed like a much less dire form of food journalism.

Here are the results!   

Oh we gonna taco 'bout it

In all honesty, the Beyond Meat taco tastes just like a taco. Well, a Del/Bell taco. The flavor and the consistency of the "beef" was kind of impressive. But then again the whole Beyond Meat product is a pretty solid one. I've had it  a few times before and was always okay with it. Not mind bending but...good.

This was a fast food taco. Nothing more to say about it. If you frequent or are at least familiar with the Del/Bell notion of a taco, then you'll get it. And if you're a veg/vegan who misses the crunch mess delight of childhood flavors then you are granted some familiar mercy.

It's that taco. Only now you can eat one.

On to the next!

Thats an avocado, not a Yoda turd

One thing I did like was that next to the drive thru window, Del Taco has a schedule of when their avocados arrive. That's kinda cool. For me, their shipment arrived the previous day so I was hopeful that my avocado taco would be relatively "fresh".

Here's the thing: most employees of DT did not graduate from the, or any, culinary institute. What I received was a taco with a big splorp of jammed in avo. Mind you, I love avocados (heck...I'm from CA!) but this was just one big brick of a scoop. So I did have to manage a bit and redistribute to get a taste of the green glory and not all in one go.

Remember that taco I mentioned earlier? The regular shmoe of the instant option chain food world? Yeah. Its just like that.

But with a big hunk of avocado rammed in it.

So I'll let you take it from there. Because I think you can figure it out.

*in my best Buzz Lightyear voice* "To infinity...and Beyond Meat!"

If you're down a Fleshlight, just use this

Now here is where the experiment went instantly south...and not of the border.

The 8 layer burrito was kinda gross. The Beyond Meat was barely visible and I really couldn't taste it among the swill mulch of sour cream, "house" red sauce (like you know, fast food "hot" sauce), cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, filmy beans and squishy guacamole. It was all just ill proportioned with a very heavy hand on the gloppy articles, such as the cream and sauce. This, for me anyway, did not go over to well. Sorry. But it was just a tasteless, drippy mess.

So there it is. I did this so you wont have to. If you dig on the Del then give it a go. But if you're not down to get down then just say no. The Bell is usually your better option in the face if such fare. But, honestly, this is Tucson and those aforementioned family run and done taquerias are everywhere here. So it seems silly to go out of your way to enter the LONE Del Taco here in the T-money.

Unless you're into that thing.

But if you read this blog and my other stuff, I'm going to assume that you're really not.

Although it is always fun to give sport for such nonsense.

And for that...I thank you.

Cheers!




Camera, Typing and I'm Fine, No Really...I Am
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Trying This Again, 2019

Metal Influence:

IMPALED

"The Last Gasp"

Cool Treats To Beat The Summer Heat

I am not a snob. Well...not much of one. Okay, I am a little. Especially when it comes to chain concepts and corporate restaurants.

Like Starbucks has some good stuff but I'd rather go to my neighborhood coffee joint for an eggy bagel sandwich and a tall iced coffee (just a splash of milk please). Not only does it usually taste better but it just makes me feel better. You know, supporting local, helping out the little guy. Or gal. Or gender non-specific. You get where I am going here...

So when I got an email from the PR firm behind Nekter, a juice bar I have only walked or driven by with no intentions of going in because, yep, it's a chain, to try some of their new summer treats at first I was thrilled. But then I had my concerns.

Now, when I did his Dunkin' Donuts media event a few months ago I had the same reaction: 'Hey thanks for the invite...but it's probably going to suck'.

Turns out the Dunkin' event was a blast, I got a lot of cool free stuff and the spring line of donuts were awesome. Knowing that and putting my pettiness aside, I responded with a "I'd be delighted!"

So on a very hot afternoon, I made my way to the Nekter on Grant Ave. to see what all of this "juice" and "smoothie" and "healthy cleanse" business was all about. On a wider spread scale though...

Okay Nekter...let's see what you got

When I walked in I was immediately greeted by district manager, Chris Crawford, who, just a day earlier had been in a bit of a slam bang in her car. Trying to avoid a racoon, in her new car, Chris swerved and went off the road and slammed into a pole. But, here she was, smiling and eager to get me sampling some of the Nekter goodies.

I like that work ethic. So I was impressed from the get go.

Since I lead a rather "interesting" life as a food writer, I was drawn to Nekter's "Toxin Flush" juice blend. A swirl of fresh spinach, parsley, apples, lemon juice and pungent ginger, it looked intimidating by being so darn green and quite mossy. It smelled potent too. Oh man, was this "heath" stuff going to kill me?

It's a distinct possibility.

The taste was something I am not used to but after the second chug I was pretty much hooked. I could instantly feel the healing properties of that blender spun elixir. My body, not going to lie, kind of buckled under the weight of such freshness and cleansing glory, but it was also thanking me. I do believe the night before I was sampling (ok, I was straight drinking) beers from a newly formed brewery set to open here in Tucson. The owners were also big fans of single malt scotch so after a pint or three, out came the tumblers filled with the oaky hued devilry. To say the least, my pushing 50 body needed a bit of saving. Thank you Toxin Flush!

Hoo doggies...this stuff is really good

Next up was a superfood smoothie called the Berry Banana Burst. This calmed my palate down a bit from the astringency from the Toxin Flush with a merry mash of blueberries, strawberries, agave nectar, housemade cashew milk and, yes, bananas.  Now I know that smoothies cause a dividing line between those that love them and those that think smoothie drinkers are privileged yoga hipsters who enjoy gentrifying neighborhoods to meet with their standards, but I am here to tell you I really don't care about either side. Because the triple B was double plus delicious.

I stand on the firm territory of all things yum and thankfully, so far, all that Nekter has been putting in front of me, via manager Chris, has been awesome. Maybe its my California rearing and living for 30+ years that has made me reluctant to dive head fast into the blended health mash so adored by moms, or dads, donning babybjorns and complaining that their vegan bacon tastes "too much" like the real deal, but I might have to don ironic thick eyeglasses and arrive on my bike made entirely of recycled penguin blubber to get more of this stuff. Or not. I don't care anymore. This stuff is tasty.

Next up was one of Nekter's handcrafted bowls, and I opted to give the Dragon Fruit variety. First they blend a compound consisting of dragon fruit (obviously), bananas, pineapple with butter and water via coconut into an almost froyo consistency. It is then topped with hempseed granola, coconut flakes, strawberries, more bananas, more pineapple and agave nectar. That's right....hempseed granola. You heard correct. Get over it, this was mad refreshing, almost better than froyo. Thats "frozen yogurt" for you non-froyo rubes out there. This was fun, slightly stunning, cool and, lets just be honest, making me feel better. How? By not being craft beer or slow roasted pig and game for a spell. My aging body needed this moment. A brief time in some lush berry refrigerant replete with more agave sweetness. I actually like this. Am I going to be some midlife crisis juice bar patron who suddenly becomes aware of his mortality and viscerally gives into the whims of mass marketed body benefits due to quick blended nuts, berries and penguin blubber? Probably.

Its just good is all.

Finally, Nekter has something called "skoops", which are vegan, non dairy, gluten free, anti-refined sugar frozen treats. Are. You. Fxxking. Kidding. ME?

Whatever man. Lets delve hacky sack first into this gawdam ish as I really can't stand it anymore. What did I get you ask? The coconut vanilla skoop. That's right...some blend of coconut milk, Madagascar vanilla, even MORE agave nectar then finished with pure sea salt with the addition of some blue and straw berries along with a sprinkle of that colon cleansing granola. How was it?

Crap. Good. It was good! All of it was good. Was it because it was free? No. I get lots of free food and drinks and sometimes hate, hate!, what I have to swallow on spec. This stuff? I liked. A lot. So you'll probably see me at a Nekter near you at some point.

You so very well will.

Just don't say anything to me when you do. Its not out of shame. Far from it. It is out of submission.

You got me Nekter. You win.

A detox power blend...yes I seriously needed this

I want to thank all involved for converting me to the powers that be the blended mercy for these guts, brain and inner works of mine in so need of the occasional "healthy" cleanse to ease me into the late afternoon of my life career. Since this visit, I have been back twice, TWICE!, seeing as they gave me a plastic tumbler equipped with a straw with the promise of a discount because of said ownership of plastic tumbler emblazoned with the word NEKTER on the side.

It sits in my car, waiting. Hopeful. And to be honest with you, I don't care who knows. At this point, I want them to know. I want to be free. Pushing 50, I need balance. So when some stumbling chode outside of a dark watering hole inquired about my Nekter vessel, asking if I hated all things right and true with the current state of the nation, I just put two fingers to his cigarette balmed lips and whispered:

"Shh...if you only knew my friend. If you only knew..."

Then got in my car in search of something called the Turmeric Sunrise. Or the Mango Delight.

I don't care.

Just don't ask.

Or look at me.

Thanks!

Also, Nékter reveals all things watermelon this summer. They roll out Watermelon Cooler Juice, a hydrating watermelon drink with a touch of cooling, fresh mint; and the Watermelon Berry Smoothie, a light and refreshing blend bursting with the flavors of the season — watermelon, sweet strawberries, lime chia seeds and a touch of agave nectar.

 

The season gets even juicier come July with the mouthwatering watermelon tasting event on Saturday, July 27 at the Nékter Juice Bar location at 2501 East Grant Road. From 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m., guests can cool off and refresh with in-store tastings of fresh watermelon juices and smoothies, Skoop flavors, and more.

See you there!

Thank you Nekter!

Camera, Typing and Rethinking His Opinion About Chain Juice Bars

"Metal" Mark Whittaker

A 105 degree Afternoon, 2019

Metal Influence: 

GODFLESH

"Avalanche Master Song"

Yeah baby...yeah!

In 1997, riding off of his success from Saturday Night Live and its subsequent dual rock comedy punch known as "Wayne's World", Mike Myers delivered a movie inspired by late 60s British spy films, better known as "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery".

I know you've seen it. We've all seen it. It was one of those cultural cinematic "fxxk its" that seemed to arrive out of nowhere during the era of ebbing grunge that brought the aging post punk/baby boomer generations into a glory spiral filled with images and appropriations of an era not that long past. The memory hole is a tough one to get out of, such as Pitfall Harry sucked into the 8 bit tar pit in the infamous, and aptly named, Atari game "Pitfall".

You see what I did there? I brought us all back.

Like a time machine.

An evil time machine?

The Diet Coke of evil perhaps...

Brewmaster Allen and his cryogenic creations

The good folks of 1912 Brewery, most notably owners and brewers Alicia and Allen Conger, both proud military veterans, are such devoted fans of the Austin Powers franchise that they decided to theme their 4th year anniversary after the beloved series.

When they opened their operation, publicly, on July 4th 2015, they did so with a vision to bring a different angle to the growing beer brewing community here in Tucson. Mainly to focus on the effervescent qualities of the difficult to manage sour brews, especially within the Gose variety.

As a usual fan and quaffer of hoppy or citrusy beers, it took me a spell to get developed in to the ideal that 1912 was delving on a higher delivery. But once I gave in and accepted, I was an instant fan. It takes a certain palate and even some form of patience to appreciate the effort it maintains to seethe and develop ales based around fruity aspects, honing past malted wheat that spirals into tart bites and even astringent overtones.

That sounds totally pretentious but...sorry. Its true. Bare with me here.

So when Alicia and Allen invited me to sample their beers for their 4th anniversary, a party set to pop on Saturday July 6th, I was more than willing to leave the nest for a second, giving my Instagraming of our cat Lil Poundcake a break. I totally concurred doctor.

Now to present to you, the reading and drinking public of the Tucson Homeskillet, are the fantastic brews in store for you this summer to commemorate 1912's fourth birthday....by ways of the International Man of Mystery.

This is your bag. Baby.

Fook me?

In the third Austin Powers installment, "Goldmember", we were introduced to a pair of Asian hot to trots going by the names Fook Me and Fook Yu. Get it? Yeah baby. Kinda like Alotta Fagina and Felicity Shagwell, plays off of actual Bond characters such as Pussy Galore and Octopussy, etc etc.

1912's 'Fook Me' is a Gose style flavored with pineapple, orange, lemon, carrots, lemon and lime. Oh man, was it good. The fruity coincidences are all there, collaborating into a foam broth of subtle, yet niche, complexity.

We were, as they enjoy reminding, off to a very groovy start.

Fook Yu!

Since we are pairing off with a grand set of twins, to follow was their 'Fook Yu', a yielding scope melding Asian pear juice the dry hopped with bourbon soaked ginger. Yeah. It was like that.

Imagine a follow up to a twin sister/brother/gender non-specific other/piranha fish lazer fantasy you have been so recklessly harboring (you cheeky monkey!), sort of like a happy ending route equipped by some tart rainbow elite squad lead by bubbly ground squirrels armed with caustic suds bazookas.

Sorta like that. But without the need for clean up on aisle zoo reference.

But better.

Smashing!

Sorry, That Never Happens...I Swear

This option...was a lot of naughty fun. Sort of like watching Skinemax after dealing with some dude speaking Paris talk and stuff down at the video arcade who was hassling you because you don't speak French or whatever. It was cool.

A quote stemming from the craggy British grilled protagonist, apologizing for a uncontrolled bulge during a rather inappropriate setting, "Sorry That Never Happens...I Swear!", is a Gose style beer that has a deep purple (Deep Purple? Groovy baby!) color, flavored with elderberries and blueberries with hints of lime and cinnamon.

A subtly tart sipper that would make any FemBot's head explode.

It is that shagadelic!

Zippy Longstocking

Now lets examine, and drink, ex-zip-it A here.

The "Zippy Longstocking" is a German inspired wheat beer fermented with a wild yeast blend provided by Texas laboratory cultures. Not too sure what that means exactly, but after a few sips all I could say is Zip it! And zip it good!

The flavor profile you get wields banana, citrus, cloves with a hovering notion of vanilla.

This is the kind of 1912 brew you need to be drinking while listening to Burt Bacharach.

Or Foxxy Cleopatra.

Or anything on BBC 1.

Regardless of how you enjoy it, the Zippy Longstocking will definitely get your mojo working.

A Mojito beer? Oh behave!

And speaking of mojo, well...mojito, the 1912 evil geniuses have brought back a fan favorite, "Got My Mojito Back Again", in time for their anniversary and Austin Powers' themed event.

This one will really freak you out because it has all of the elements that an actual mojito cocktail has. Just don't do what I did and slam it down hard. The intense key lime and mint essence there is sound as a pound, a real shindig for your tastebuds, so take your time with this one.

With all of this amazing pussycat swinger fare, it looks as if 1912's celebration on Saturday July 6th is going to be better than...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

But wait...there's more!

Shhhhhhh...you're not supposed to know about this

The Conger's are going to unveil 2 or 3 new brews exclusive to their 4 Year Anniversary shindig that they are not even mentioning. Yet.

But they said go ahead and just teeeeeease it a little in my blog.

So I am. And here you go. Gonna throw you a friggin' bone.

Fortunate me I had a taster of the beer things to come this weekend and all I can say is:

"Yeah baby!"

See you there.

And thank you Allen, Alicia and everyone at 1912!

You are all so very, very groovy baby. Ow!

Smashing!

Camera, Typing and Oh Behave!
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
4th of July Week, 2019

Metal Influence: 

ORANGE GOBLIN

"Time Traveling Blues"